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Key points
- If you use your phone in front of you baby, or toddler, they will want to hold and play with your phone.
- Start setting limits on phone and tablet use early.
- And if you want to be effective, limit your use of your phone when you're with your children.
Parents ask me all the time about screen time, both for themselves and their young children. Here’s a sample of frequently asked questions:
- Is it okay to scroll or watch a show while nursing a new infant?
- Is it okay for my kids go to their grandparents, where the TV is on all the time?
- Is it okay for toddlers to watch something on their cell phones to occupy them while we're out to dinner?
- And ... just how much YouTube or video game playing is okay for a child or adolescent, anyway?
These are difficult questions. In our society, gaming, YouTube, and Netflix, among others are ubiquitous. Everyone seems to be watching something all of the time. The nursing mother, bored while nursing, looks at her infant’s gaze and feels satisfied at being able to provide her infant with what he or she needs, but she’s accustomed to more stimulation. She’d like to watch a video or check her phone while nursing. The mother or father of a toddler or a child has a hard time saying no every single time the child asks if he or she can watch something, whether on the iPad, cellphone, or computer. What’s the harm?
An article in The New York Times noted, “Exposure to TV and movie carnage is like exposure to secondhand smoke, research suggests.” It added that various organizations and agencies such as the American Academy of Pediatrics, The National Institutes of Health, and the American Psychiatric Association consider media violence exposure an actual risk factor for actual violence.
Perhaps part of the answer is to ask these questions:
What kind of video is being watched?
What kind of game is being played?
And for how long? And, most importantly, at what age?
These are complicated questions: If we know that violence on screen isn’t good for kids, what about watching or playing something non-violent? How much is okay? How much is too much? How much deprives a child of other useful activities? What’s the effect of screen time on social skill development and the development of the imagination?
Perhaps a few guidelines can help:
Nursing mothers: While you’re nursing or feeding your infant, avoid looking at a screen yourself. Sing, think, slow down, look in your child’s eyes. This is less stimulating than what you're accustomed to. However, it is valuable time for you and your baby to make contact and establish a strong bond between you.
Parents: Establish “dedicated time” to play with your infant, toddler, or older child every day. During these dedicated times, don’t look at your phone. Period. And during family meal times, make a rule for everyone: No devices at the table. Period.
Under age 1: No screen time at all, and try not to let your baby see you use the phone. This is hard. You’ll find that you do not want to do this. But if your baby sees you use the phone, he or she will want to hold it, play with it and, when he or she can, use it. The phone will seem like an important object to your baby because you give it importance by paying attention to it. Show your baby that he or she is the most important person to you in that moment and pay attention to him or her.
Ages 1-2: Limit the use of screens to no more than half an hour a day for learning videos and music. And again, try not to use the phone yourself in front of your baby, at meals, while playing, and at other times. This is time to devote to interacting with each other.
Ages 2-3: Limit the use of screens to no more than one hour a day for very simple shows, videos, and learning games. You want your toddler to engage in human interaction and imaginative thought and play for the majority of every single day.
Ages 3-5: Limit the use of screens to 1-2 hours per day. There’s no harm in letting your 4-year-old watch a 30-minute show if you need to do the dishes or laundry or take a shower. But make sure you know what the show is about and that you approve of its content.
Start setting limits about when screen time is allowed early and often. If you want your mornings to go smoothly, tell your child that there will be no screen time before school. Even though you think it might be a nice reward for your child while getting dressed, it is notoriously hard for children to stop watching once they have started. You’ll have a fight on your hands and a grumpy child if you allow some screen time.
Bedtime needs a similar structure. It’s often best to limit screen time to daytime hours. Screen time within an hour of bedtime can prove overstimulating to kids of all ages (as well as to adults!).
Ages 5-7: This is your child and you make the rules. No more than two hours a day on screen is a good limit at this age. And you can start letting your child earn his or her screen time. Chores, reading, and homework can all earn screen time if you choose to do it this way.
Ages 7-9: Two to three hours a day is the maximum amount of time you want them on a screen, and possibly less. Again, let them earn screen time, limit what times of day they can use screens, and make sure homework is done before screen time.
Ages 9+: You have some difficult questions to answer. For example, at what age do you want your child to have a phone? Some 8- and 9-year-olds have phones to call their parents if they need to be picked up or in the event of an emergency. Your child won’t like it, but at this age, you may want to get them a flip phone if you get them a phone at all, so that you know it is only being used for communication with you.
And at this age, a computer, laptop or tablet will be needed for homework. But be aware that your child may go off-task and use the screen for other things while they are supposed to be doing their work. I advise having your child do homework in a public area of the house so that you can subtly monitor what they’re doing on the screen.
At this age, it’s also important to investigate security provisions on the computer. You may want to limit what can be accessed on the computer or tablet.
And even beyond age 10, it’s a good idea to limit screen time to three hours a day. More than that interferes in getting enough physical activity and social interaction.
However, let's just acknowledge this: once your kids are adolescents, it's harder to limit their screen time. They are more independent than ever before and they will push back more. The best thing you can do at this point is to encourage involvement in as many activities which keep them away from their screen as possible - as well as providing attractive family projects and adventures, encouraging time with friends, etc.
Good luck, parents. This is hard!
