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Key points
- Many people want to practice self-care but can't seem to accomplish that goal.
- Common beliefs that make self-care difficult include that self-care is selfish and that strong people need to make sacrifices.
- Improved self-care begins with choosing how we respond to difficulty.
At times, I provide healthcare to healthcare providers. Should be easy, right? Not so much. The advice and guidance I plan to provide to patients who are healthcare providers they already know. Every day these patients are giving diet, exercise, mindfulness, stretching, relaxation, sleep hygiene, and stress management advice to others. So where is the disconnect? Why don’t we do what we know would be good for us?
This question is not a new one by any means. Two thousand years ago, the Apostle Paul wrote, “I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” We are complicated creatures when it comes to doing what we know to be good, especially good for ourselves. There seems to be a barrier that keeps us from taking self-care seriously.
The Beliefs Behind Self-Care
Our behavior, including self-care behavior, flows out of our beliefs. We care for others because we believe that loving others is deeply satisfying and rewarding. We stay up late talking with a hurting friend on the phone and get up early to drive our neighbor to the airport. In contrast, we struggle to make even the smallest sacrifice that would keep ourselves healthy, rested, fit, successful, or mentally sharp. In our pain rehabilitation program, patients sometimes re-injure themselves in an effort to help others but at the same time struggle to follow the simple daily routines prescribed by physical and occupational therapists, routines that would lead to health and recovery.
Here are five hidden beliefs that undermine good self-care:
- It is selfish to care for myself. We imagine a perfect person being one who is completely selfless, flowing with boundless love and compassion for others. Because of this belief, self-care leads to feelings of guilt.
- Strong people sacrifice their needs to meet the needs of others. We imagine that if we are courageous enough, we can ignore our own needs and sacrificially meet the needs of others.
- I don’t deserve self-care because I have not earned it. We believe life gives us what we deserve, and we must earn anything good that comes into our life. We struggle to see ourselves as good enough to earn the right to enjoy self-care. We could have done more or been better.
- I don’t have time to focus on myself. We believe that self-care is time-consuming rather than something that happens on a moment-to-moment basis. We tend to ignore the reality that we are quite good at wasting time on ourselves when we are watching TV or engaged in other mindless, non-refreshing activities.
- I am controlled by my circumstances. We tend to have an external locus of control rather than an internal locus of control mindset. We do not see ourselves as in charge of our responses and capable of making choices regardless of the situation we are in. The challenges we face seem to be something that makes us miserable and our stress response and poor coping inevitable.
Three Steps Toward Change
Rather than address the weakness of each one of these beliefs, let me suggest one simple approach that I have found helpful in putting self-care higher up on people’s priority list. Even hardened healthcare providers who do not manage their health well have been able to pivot toward a different approach to living by following this advice.
The first step is easy. Whatever false belief you have that is showing up that is getting in your way of self-care, thank your mind. You don’t have to argue with yourself about your negative beliefs, you only need to notice what it is saying, acknowledge it, and step back let your noisy mind keep on providing the negative commentary that it usually does. Regard your noisy mind as a talk radio station playing in the background of your life, something that is there but not worth listening to. You are not your noisy mind.
The second step is a bit harder. Picture in your mind someone you dearly love. For this, I would suggest a child, if possible. Imagine that you are supernaturally able to hover over this child’s life and serve as a gatekeeper for anything that is brought into that child’s life. Now picture what you want to enter that precious child’s life—good friends, nutritious food, peaceful sleep, healthy activities, enriching learning experiences, love, support, appropriate challenges, and encouragement. Everything you allow into that child’s life leads to safety, growth, development, self-discovery, freedom, and joy. You would also keep out controlling, manipulative people, people who play mind-games and use the child to get their needs met. You would keep out unhealthy foods, mindless amusement, and things that only feel good for the moment, but cause harm in the long run. You would keep out the pressures of life that prevent a balance between work and rest.
Now for the final step. With this image in mind of protecting a child you love, realize that in the same way you are the gatekeeper of your life. What are you allowing into your life? Are you allowing good things that help you to grow, recover, and be refreshed from the challenges you are facing? Do you let in toxic people, non-nutritious food, drugs, tobacco, excessive alcohol, and the expectations of others to do and be more than you can possibly be? If so, then you are aware and off to a good start!
Noticing what is happening and how you are responding is the foundation of change. Make the conscious choice of what you allow into your life and don’t let your noisy mind run your life—you are in charge.
