Why Do Women Go for "Bad Boys"?

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Most of us know what is meant when someone speaks of the bad boy. The guy with the outrageous charm; the perfect lover, until he isn't. The guy who everyone's mother warned them against.

Bad boys are on a continuum—on one end of the spectrum, the bad boy may be a heart-breaker, but he's only mildly dangerous. Despite his bad-boy tendencies, he's capable of empathy. On the other end of the spectrum is the psychopath. The bad boy who is heading into the psychopathic end of the spectrum fails to feel empathy. And most relevant to the women who are sick of falling for his charm, he's never bothered by guilt or shame. (Note: psychopathy is technically classified as antisocial personality disorder. My terminology here underscores the fact that this is a complex spectrum, and while those who are high in psychopathy—truly antisocial—are rare, the characteristics of 'bad boys' are seen and emulated more widely).

That said, it may sometimes be difficult to know—with total confidence—if you're dealing with a real psychopath/sociopath, especially if he or she also shows features of the paranoid personality disorder. When paranoid features are involved, this character can easily lead people to believe in conspiracy theories—that may sound nuts to a normal person but may seem realistic or even attractive to someone in whom paranoia has been evoked. This occurs because psychopathy and paranoia both have a contagious quality. And that is almost what followers are seeking—they want to feel less guilt and shame, like the "bad-boy" they find so attractive. It's their very upstanding and altruistic nature that makes them particularly vulnerable to a psychopathic and paranoid leader.

When a political leader's personality exhibits psychopathy and paranoia, in addition to an infectious charisma, he or she can be particularly dangerous. We've been seeing far too much of this in our current high and low-profile national politicians. (See Fighting for Our Democracy from Our Empathic Nature, November 3, 2016)

While it's impossible to know at a glance if you're dealing with a knock-off bad boy, he's not the real thing; he's imitating the psychopathic bad boy, thinking it makes him "cool." The problem is, you don't usually fall for the imitation bad boy. That irresistible thing that attracts so many women isn't quite there.

When you seriously fall for a bad boy, more often than not, he's tinged with psychopathic tendencies.

At a glance, the bad boys are usually gorgeous (at least to some), charismatic, successful at business, academia, or athletics, and appear to be—at least potentially— good providers. They’re usually womanizers, though they may briefly hide their misogynistic tendencies.

The real bad boys don’t hide their psychopathic edges. That’s part of their attraction. Maybe that’s the heart of their attraction.

The psychopathic bad boy is different. And rare. He’s wired differently from the rest of us. In laboratory experiments, it was found that psychopaths failed to react normally to fear-inducing stimuli.

Not only are they indifferent to things that would frighten most normal citizens, men and women alike, they're entirely without a moral compass.

Again, just think of our new Republican Party, better known as "MAGA." Many of the new members are trying to get some of the guilt-free qualities of their leader.

The psychopath/sociopath never feels guilty; they’re never ashamed. These important prosocial emotions are part of how we stick together in groups, marriages, friendships, and communities. But not the psychopaths. For most of us—however terrible it feels to suffer from guilt and shame—we know we need these emotions as much as we need joy and pride.

But some guilt-prone women almost desperately want to feel less guilt. Women who fall for the serious bad boy often struggle with an overload of guilt and shame. When they lay eyes on the bad boy, they can tell they're not similarly burdened. They want to be a little more like that guy they find so attractive.

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Most people hate to hurt others. Psychopaths seem unaffected by causing harm to anyone they’ve had enough of. They never apologize because they never think they’ve done anything wrong. They think nothing of hurting a romantic or business partner. Even innocent animals they happen to have in their lives are in danger.

The Heart-Broken Bride

Rachelle was a lovely young architect who came to see me a mere six months after she’d married the man of her dreams. He was an up-and-coming businessman with political aspirations that she’d met at a friend’s party, and he swept her off her feet. Soon, they were a couple and living together.

Only a month married, one night he came home drunk from an after-work meeting with some friends and seemed to be in an angry mood. She asked him what was bothering him, and instead of answering, he picked up his cat and threw her across the room. She freaked out.

A woman who loved animals, her voice quivering, she said: "Don't ever do that again." She couldn't forget it—and it should have been a strong warning. Soon, he was coming home in that angry mood more often. Further, he was coming home later and later, and she began to feel like he was seeing another woman. He was.

When she came to see me, she quickly confessed she knew she’d made a mistake marrying the guy. But awash with guilt, she felt like she couldn’t leave him. She knew something was wrong with him and felt obliged to stick by his side. She was also suffering from terrible shame—her parents had instantly disliked him and begged her not to marry him. "How could she have ignored their warnings?", she quietly asked herself.

Psychotherapy was helpful. Rachelle realized she’d been attracted to him because he never suffered from guilt and shame. She recognized she'd thought she wanted to be more like him.

She’d always felt responsible for loved ones' suffering. She'd often feel guilty for things over which she had no control. She hated the guilt-proneness she'd lived with. Once she’d had that insight, she also recognized that she now felt responsible for him. Even the thought of leaving him filled her with guilt.

Then, one night, he came home and, without a word, hit her in the face. Sobbing and swollen, she left. She escaped to her parents, trying to ignore how ashamed she felt at having chosen to marry him. She never went back.

But why have so many perfectly intelligent women done exactly the same thing?

People burdened by guilt and shame are attracted to the psychopath who feels neither. Like the unhappy young bride, they hope to get some of that if they can get close enough to the psychopath. They dream about meeting him in person.

Many women I meet with recognize this problem. Some are still in the grips of their psychopathic charmer. While they may have been ready to leave him long ago, they felt trapped, guilty, and surprisingly sorry for the man they used to think they loved madly.

By the time they start seeing me, most have gone through a temporary phase of falling for charismatic characters. They'd endured several unhappy relationships before they began to look for kindness, generosity, and intelligence in potential partners. And finally, they were ready to reject the psychopath-tinged affairs with bad boys; they were ready for longer-lasting love.

How much progress might we make as a society if we recognized our attraction to psychopaths for what it is? And, instead of following blindly the bad boys somewhere on the spectrum, the victims of the psychopath could get over it in therapy aimed at lowering their guilt-proneness. Most of us are wired with prosocial motives and altruistic intentions. Why not learn to avoid the charmer and instead fall in love with the guy deserving of affection?

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.