6 Strategies for Male Performance Anxiety

Many clients I work with report some frequent or occasional challenges with sexual performance and satisfaction. This can be very stressful for a number of reasons. The first is that it often puts stress on the relationship.

For better or worse, men experience a great deal of pressure to perform sexually, and often feel that their status in a relationship and as a man, relies on satisfying their partner sexually. This is very often a narrowly defined notion of success, focusing specifically on intercourse and orgasm. Especially at the beginning of relationships, sex is a way to ‘shore up’ the relationship and build the bond and attachment between two people. If sex is not working to one’s expectation, then fears of a weakening bond increase, which can add extra pressure and come to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

More intense pressure leads to greater stakes and expectations, leading to greater anxiety, stress and difficulties in the bedroom. Stress, pressure and “being in your head” are of course the biggest obstacles to intimacy, which is experienced best when we are “embodied” and physically and mentally present and attuned to ourselves and our partner.

The second major relational stress of sexual challenge concerns the effects on the man’s partner. In heterosexual relationships, female partners often experience a man’s low desire or erectile issue as their fault and problem. Often women experience a man’s sexual challenges as an effect of her performance, attraction or general likability. This can generate shame, guilt and irritation on the affected partner's end, as she may worry that her male partner is simply not attracted to her, that he has eyes for someone else, or that he is gay or asexual.

Attending to the issues of one partner thus necessarily requires dialogue with both partners, and attention to the often silent emotions and fears underneath as it is almost always a relational issue and not the sole responsibility of the man.

If you are experiencing (or have experienced) sexual dysfunction or sexual dissatisfaction, here are six steps you can take on your own to assess and help manage the situation.

1. Take a deep breath — it’s normal.

Sex, like all aspects of a relationship, ebbs and flows and we cannot expect perfection or even near-perfection in mutual satisfaction. Notable sex researcher Barry McCarthy argues that we need realistic expectations about sex which includes the fact that 5-15% of sexual encounters are unsatisfying or downright dysfunctional.

Moreover, even in couples that report happy and satisfying sex lives overall, many report that under 50% of their sex life is “desirous, arousing or orgasmic.” This means that we need to dial down our expectations for mind-blowing or even satisfying sex all the time. Sex can be unremarkable, functional or nothing special. Successful sexual partners are those who accept this reality and know how to schedule rain checks for alternative scenarios when it doesn’t work out.

2. Review your medical options.

Occasionally there are needs for medical intervention. If you are experiencing pain with erections or ejaculations, medical advice should be sought. Talking with a medical practitioner in general is not a bad idea as part of a holistic approach. Having a blood test may determine hormonal or testosterone levels that may be addressed through medical means. Erectile medication is also a viable option and should be stigma-free. While usually sexual health requires psychological assessment and support, sometimes we need more directive medical interventions.

3. Communicate with your partner.

One of the biggest challenges I see for men is when they try to solve these issues alone and in silence, without dialogue with their partner. This can lead to communication silos, where each partner suffers silently, mind reading or stewing in shame and guilt. It’s important to share with your partner what you experience when things are not working — what the effects are for you? Larger conversations can move to a general discussion about what sex means to each other, why sex is (or isn’t) important, and what good sex actually looks like. This may produce surprises and open up alternatives to more rigid views of healthy or successful sex.

4. Explore synchronous and asynchronous sexual play.

Sex can be mutually satisfying and exciting, but it can also be asynchronous, or more one-directional. If intercourse fails for some reason, there are often other avenues that can be explored that can be very satisfying to one partner. We need to resist the belief that sex always needs to produce dual fireworks for both partners. Sometimes there can be great satisfaction from pleasuring our partner when we are only half into it. While we always want to make sure we are both still consenting, we can experience sexual play in modified degrees of interest — i.e. “I do not really need an orgasm right now but would be happy to give you one.”

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5. Review and revise your para-sexual activities.

Monitor and reflect on your sexual activities or behaviours beyond your partnered sex. How often do you watch porn or masturbate? This frequency or quality can negatively affect your ability to become and stay aroused and excited by your partner. Some men report that frequent masturbation means that they can only be aroused by hand stimulation, making intercourse more difficult. Other men report that frequent porn viewing trains their arousal toward viewing images of women and makes it harder to become aroused with someone ‘in the flesh’ in front of them.

This can lead to an issue identified as Delayed Situational Ejaculation (DSE), which refers to difficulties in stimulation and ejaculation in specific circumstances. For some men, abstention from other forms of sexual activities (porn, masturbation) can re-stimulate arousal with your sexual partner. As a prominent urologist once put it, “You need pressure to cook,” and abstention is one good way to create pressure.

6. Create a “self-pep” talk.

Bernie Zilbergeld, author of The New Male Sexuality, argues that men should develop a routine of talking to themselves in a calm and supportive way and create a “pep-talk” for their sexual health. There are many versions of what this might look like, but in general, a pep talk should try to relax and reassure: “Hey, take it easy. You’re getting carried away. I know you’re feeling discouraged but let’s take a breath and look at the facts.”

The pep talk should also aim to reframe and normalize your challenging status quo, and affirm what you are doing well and how hard you are working. One thing it might also do is to put into perceptive past successes that often get overlooked in the heat of the moment. When were you previously successful? When did you enjoy yourself? When did your partner have pleasure? A pep talk may be corny, but it can be an important intervention to manage and blunt the negative self talk and spiraling shame that can inhibit our progress.