Building Authentic Connections: Embracing Vulnerability

“I don’t feel like I can show people who I really am.”

“I’m afraid people will think I’m weak and that they can’t rely on me.”

“What if my partner thinks I’m too much after I share my feelings?”

These are common things I hear my therapy clients say when they come to work on improving the quality of their relationships. They are at a loss as to how to do this without being vulnerable. When we dig into what is holding them back from being vulnerable, we uncover fears of getting hurt and assumptions about vulnerability, including it being a sign of weakness.

Much of the work in improving relationships means we have to overcome the fears we hold about sharing and being open, both of which are examples of being emotionally vulnerable. Vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally." While this definition brings up the potential negative consequences of vulnerability, I would like to address the benefits of vulnerability and how practicing acts of vulnerability can lead to greater connections and authentic relationships.

First, what is it that people fear when it comes to vulnerability?

Why People Fear Vulnerability

• Fear of Rejection: Being vulnerable opens one up to rejection or abandonment, which can be emotionally daunting.

• Fear of Judgement: There may be concerns about being judged, misunderstood, or seen as weak or inadequate when showing vulnerability.

• Loss of Control: Vulnerability involves relinquishing some control over emotions or situations, which can feel uncomfortable for those who prefer certainty.

• Fear of Regret and the “Vulnerability Hangover”: A related experience people may fear is a “vulnerability hangover.” This is the regret or shame some may feel after being vulnerable. People worry about how they will feel and what others may feel after sharing personal emotions or experiences.

• Self-Protection: Some people believe showing vulnerability makes them more susceptible to being taken advantage of or hurt. Previous experiences of betrayal or emotional pain might lead to being wary of opening up again. These past messages and experiences can lead to emotional armor to protect against future negative experiences.

• Cultural or Social Conditioning: Societal norms prioritizing strength or resilience over vulnerability can discourage people from expressing their emotions openly. Some people have been taught to believe that taking up space and expressing their emotions is burdensome and troublesome. This is especially true for women, people of color, disabled people, and other socially marginalized people.

While these fears often stem from a desire to protect oneself emotionally and mentally, they can also hinder authentic connections and personal growth. Here are some benefits of being vulnerable.

The Benefits of Being Vulnerable in Relationships

Two people sitting side by side near a lake.

Source: Aaron Blanco Tejedor/Unsplash

• Deeper Connection: Vulnerability fosters intimacy and understanding. This helps create stronger emotional bonds between you and others. We all desire to be close to the right kinds of people, and being vulnerable allows us to gain this kind of closeness.

• Authenticity: Vulnerability allows you to show your true self, promoting honesty and trust within the relationship. It’s a two-way street: when you’re more honest, others can show up more authentically with you, too. It’s also an act of generosity when we model openness and honesty. It creates space for others to do the same.
• Conflict Resolution: Vulnerability encourages open communication, making it easier to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings.
• Emotional Growth: Sharing vulnerabilities can lead to personal growth, empathy, and a better understanding of each other's needs.
• Growing and Deepening your Support Network: It enables people to support each other through challenges, creating a sense of solidarity. Vulnerability helps people feel less alone and feel stronger when they know they have people they can count on and trust.

I love seeing the transformation my clients go through when they work on their goals of deepening their relationships. Once they can embrace vulnerability as an act of courage, they start to see a change in the quality of their relationships because they practice risks in small, incremental ways over time. We can all create new experiences that will prove to us that being vulnerable can make us and our relationships stronger. It will take active practice to unlearn old messages and learn new ones.

Here are some initial steps and reminders to remember as you practice sharing and reaching out in your relationships.

Starting on Your Vulnerability Journey

Wooden Heart with the word Open written on it.

Source: Cyrus Gomez/Unsplash

• Start with Forgiveness. We need to overcome past hurts and override the negative messages or conditioning we internalized. Forgive others for the wounds you suffered from hurtful comments and interactions. Forgiving and letting go will create emotional and mental space for new positive experiences.

• Take Small Risks. Building connections by being vulnerable means you’ll have to tolerate some initial discomfort. You may feel uncomfortable, which makes sense as you’re trying something new. But remember, discomfort doesn’t mean danger. You can overcome this fear of uncertainty by taking small, careful, and intentional risks that will lead to positive outcomes.

• Decide which Relationships Matter. Not every relationship is created equal. The right types of people who deserve to be a part of your life will honor and respect you for sharing and being honest. You can decide who it is you want to share those vulnerable moments.

• Practice Vulnerability in Safer Spaces. It helps to start practicing vulnerability in existing relationships or safer spaces like therapy. Initially, clients and I begin as strangers, which can feel scary. However, as they become more comfortable and experience the freedom of sharing more parts of themselves in therapy, they start doing this in other relationships. Reach out for support if it feels helpful in your journey towards more vulnerable and open relationships.

Conclusion

Vulnerability and openness go hand in hand. Part of life worth living is sharing ourselves and experiencing the joy, tears, laughter, insights, relief, and healing that grow out of those exchanges.

When we practice vulnerability and build authentic connections, we discover that we are not alone in our human struggles and that it is acceptable to be who we are.

Suppose you want to learn even more about the power of vulnerability, what it means, and how it leads to growth, I encourage you to watch Brene Brown’s TED talk and read her books on shame, vulnerability, and courage (i.e., Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection).