Adult Coregulation Leads to Child Self-Regulation

Co-authored by Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW

Self-regulation is the ability to notice that your emotions are revving up and calm down before acting impulsively. The ability to stop oneself from acting on impulses takes quite a while to develop. This kind of self-control only starts to develop at around age 3 ½ or 4, and takes years to become consistent. A child's ability to regulate their emotions and behavior usually comes much later than caregivers expect or desire. Babies and toddlers learn to do this slowly, over time, and with ongoing support from an adult.

It is well established that the health and well-being of babies and young children rely on the health and well-being of their adult caregivers. Caregiving adults must be regulated themselves in order to guide and coregulate with a child—to be able to stay calm themselves in the face of a child’s big emotions or tantrum. This can be tricky since it’s so easy to react, and overreact, to a young child’s behavior.

Research shows that caregiver-child interactions focused on the process of coregulation affect a child’s self-regulatory development, but that the content of those interactions—whether a caregiver’s affect is mostly positive or neutral as opposed to negative—impacts whether the outcome is adaptive or maladaptive for the child (Lobo & Lunkenheimer, 2020). This underscores the importance of adult self-regulation in teaching children to regulate their emotions. This ability to regulate emotions is essential for healthy development and functioning in many areas, and challenges with emotional regulation are a risk factor for various adverse outcomes during childhood, and later in life (Paley & Hajal, 2022).

Some professionals who work with parents and caregivers wonder if behavior like self-regulation is more “caught than taught”—meaning that adults teach children these kinds of skills primarily through modeling them. It is a lot of pressure on adults to be able to regulate their emotions so they can support their child. Caregivers also need to know that helping their child calm down when they are upset—coregulating with them—is not giving in or spoiling them. It is teaching them the important skill of self-soothing through being soothed. Some tips for caregivers around the process of coregulation are:

• Have realistic expectations. Young children are not able to self-regulate and they have a tough time with their big feelings. They cannot yet remember the rules consistently, fully understand the consequences of their actions, or stop themselves from doing something they know they shouldn’t do. Caregivers should not be surprised when young children do not follow directions even when they appear to understand them.
• Empathize and validate emotions. Use words, tone, body language, and facial expressions to tell your child that you understand their circumstances. Say, with understanding, “You are upset that you didn’t get what you wanted,” or “You didn’t want that to happen.” Note that sometimes the choices being offered are not the ones they want.
• Say less and use words and actions together to set limits. Saying fewer words can be more effective when a child is upset. Stopping a child’s hand from hitting while saying “stop” or “no” will be more helpful than a long lecture. Sometimes whispering or even silence can also be supportive strategies, especially if you already tried verbal feedback and the child seems overstimulated.
• Teach your child how to self-soothe. Sometimes children can be soothed by being held closely, or rocked as they need this kind of touch and body contact to relax. Other times children need to jump up and down or squeeze a stuffed animal to vent their upset emotion and energy.
• Take a break when needed. Sometimes trying to soothe a child only makes things worse. Sometimes a caregiver cannot calm themselves. At these times, a break can help everyone catch their breath. Don’t treat the break as a punishment, but rather as time to reset. If a child is too old to be placed in a crib or other safe space to allow for a break, the adult can say, “Let’s take a break,” and just stay near the child and stop talking.

When caregivers serve as a “secure base” and “safe haven” in support of their child’s emotional development, it helps children tolerate and cope with challenging feelings such as anger, sadness, or fear—soothing them so they feel emotionally regulated and once again ready to play and explore (Paley & Hajal, 2022). Over time, as caregivers self-regulate and coregulate with their child through proximity, reflection, empathy, and support, the child does learn to weather their own emotional storms.