How to Improve Your Relationship in 3 Simple Steps

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Romantic relationships all have ebbs and flows. Sometimes things are going great, and you feel happy and fulfilled with your partner. At other times there can be arguments, bickering, conflict, and maybe even a general sense of apathy and boredom.

Relationships take work, like tending to a garden over the seasons. You have to identify the weeds that threaten to strangle the other plants and flowers, much like identifying the niggles, problems, and difficulties that can show up between individuals that are likely to harm the relationship. Neglecting one's values is one such weed that can take root (Harris, 2009).

What are values in relationships?

Values are what you want to stand for and what characteristics you want to embody as you move through life. They are like a life compass. They move you toward a chosen life path and help keep you on track. In relationships, our values help us act in ways that align with the kind of partner we genuinely want to be and help us build rich, meaningful relationships with others. Values are different from needs. They are what you want to do and how you want to act. Needs are what you want to get from your partner or the relationship.

How can values help improve your relationship?

"Values-guided actions are the lifeblood of your relationship; without them, your relationship shrivels and dies" (Harris, 2009).

How would acting on your values in difficult moments with your partner change the interaction? How would it influence the outcome of the disagreement or argument? For example, could you act in an understanding or respectful way during a disagreement if being an understanding and respectful partner is important to you, even while experiencing difficult thoughts and feelings?

Imagine if you could pause, take a breath and say what you needed respectfully and with an understanding tone, even though you felt angry with your partner. This could positively impact how your partner responds, perhaps reducing the conflict and helping you navigate your differences more effectively.

How to Improve Your Relationship Based on Your Values

Step 1. Clarify what's important to you deep down. Clarify your values. Ask yourself: what kind of partner do I want to be in my relationship? What came to mind as you read that question? If you are unsure, try answering this: I want to be the kind of partner who is…(insert value).

Reflect on the relationship you want to build with your partner and the qualities you want to have. One in which you are loving, supportive, emotionally connected, present, or something else?

Common values to help give you ideas are connection, safety, care/support, communication, boundaries/self-expression. You may find there are a lot of values that are important to you. Try first to identify your top five values–the non-negotiable ones regarding the type of relationship you want to have and the kind of partner you want to be.

Step 2. Identify values-guided actions. Think of ways you can act in line with those values. You can use your words, gestures, and physicality:

• Words. What can you say to your partner that communicates who you are as a partner? How else can you communicate using words? It can be poetry, messaging, writing cards, or even emails. For example, if being a supportive partner is important, you may want to show support by asking how your partner's day has been.
• Gestures. What gestures would help convey your values to your partner? For example, if you value being a present partner, try to put your phone away when spending time together.
• Physicality. What physical actions can you take to help you live your values? For example, if you value being an affectionate partner, try showing affection through touch, such as hugging, kissing, or holding your partner's hand.

Step 3. Carry out values-guided actions. The last step is to carry out the actions aligned with your values. This can be easier said than done when life is busy or there is conflict in the relationship. It can be helpful to start with just one values-guided action you can carry out daily or regularly and build from there.

If you find yourself acting on your values to get something from your partner, it is no longer a value but rather a goal. Values are purely about giving you purpose, vitality, and fulfillment that have the knock-on effect of improving your relationship.

Takeaways

• Values help guide behaviour and can be a useful motivator when change is needed to help improve relationships.
• Identifying the kind of partner you want to be and how you can be that partner through actions and committing to carrying out those actions is key.