The Four Weirdest Questions I've Received as a Psychologist

I normally write about overeating, but today I feel moved to share more of the experience of being a psychologist. See, the other day I woke thinking it'll soon be 30 years since I got my Ph.D. , which means I've been a psychologist longer than I haven't been one. Beyond this, I grew up in an extended family of therapists. My mom, dad, sister, step-mother, step-father, cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunt and great uncle all are (or were) in the field in one way or another. When something broke in the house we all rushed to ask it how it felt, but nobody knew how to fix it... and you do not want to come to our family reunion!

I've also seen thousands of clients myself, engaged in exhaustive research, written a popular book, supervised a dozen other psychologists, coaches, and social workers, and developed and executed programs on an international scale. The point is, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who's thought longer and harder about what it's like to be a psychologist than myself, and it's from this perspective I'd like to share with you four of the most unusual questions I've ever received about my profession:

• "Do You Ever Want to Have Sex with Your Patients?" As a psychologist you experience the full range of human thoughts, desires, and emotions with clients. This includes objective feelings that anyone might feel with the particular client, but also the subjective you bring to the room from your own life, history, conflicts, and proclivities. Good clinical boundaries stop you from acting on these feelings, but do not protect you from experiencing them. Some people think they must go through us in a more objective and sterile manner which is easier to let go of, but the truth is, at least in my experience, they become more intense in this environment.

  Lust, anger, anxiety, compassion, grief, loneliness, excitement, depression, and every other conceivable emotion has run through my heart in the treatment room (now virtual.) I've fallen in love a hundred times, as well as felt a deep level of repulsion and humiliation. The key is to hold these feelings and make a safe space for the client to experience them precisely because you do not act on them and don't necessarily share what you are feeling. In this way the client can articulate their experience in ways they simply couldn't do in any other situation, and they are empowered to solve problems, think new thoughts, and move beyond their comfort zone.

  It's an odd job. The better you do it, the more you put aside your own needs and are just present for the client. You lend them your soul as a safe instrument to put their difficult feelings, impulses, and thoughts into. And yes, that does include sexual feelings, impulses, and thoughts, as well as everything else one human being can feel towards another.

• "I'm Going to Slap You If You Don't Answer My Questions, Is That OK?" Although it varies depending upon training and orientation, most clinical psychologists interact in a somewhat different way than a friend, colleague, or family member might. We often deflect questions back to the client in order to focus on what asking the question means to them, and sometimes also to maintain more of a neutral position with the client so there's more room for them to project their own thoughts and emotions onto us.

  Now, I'm not a doctor who does this 100% of the time. If I believe a client is positively identified with me, and that knowing something about my personal life will help them to move in a positive direction, I very well may answer a personal question directly. But this is not my first reflex, and I only do so once I've explored what's behind the question. More often than not I don't answer, or at least not until after such a detailed exploration. This can frustrate some clients who don't quite understand and/or who don't buy into the idea it's in their best interest. Sometimes they express this frustration in very intriguing ways.

  For example, I once had a patient of whom I was rather fond - a young teenage girl who came to me largely to figure out why she didn't have a boyfriend. A lot of our conversations revolved around her brother and her father. Not infrequently she'd ask me something about my own relationship with my sister and/or father, and I'd generally reflect those questions back to her, reminding her why she was in the office, and that it was more productive to focus on her own thoughts and feelings.

  This strategy was usually effective, but one time, just before Father's Day, she came in and was clearly in a mood. After asking me several times what I was getting my father for Father's Day, she folded up her arms, got very animated, and said "Look doc, today you're not gonna just keep answering my questions with questions. I'm going to count to three and if you haven't answered me by the time I get there I'm going to get up off this chair and b-slap you so hard your head is going to spin all the away around! Is that OK?"

  I answered. It led to a much more meaningful conversation. Live and learn.

• "May I pay you with a painting?" Some clients simply can't afford treatment. Their insurance is minimal or non-existent and they just don't have the funds to write a check. The American Psychological Association allows barter provided it is "(1) not clinically contraindicated and; (2) the resulting arrangement is not exploitative." (Section 6.05 of the Ethical Code). This leaves a lot to be subjectively interpreted, so in the vast majority of circumstances I've personally refrained from engaging in these relationships.

  For example, if I allowed a client to pay with a painting, how do we establish the value of that painting? If I were to value it too highly I might risk inflating the client's ego and causing them to position their wares too expensively in the marketplace, thereby interfering with their vocational functioning. If I were to pay them too little, I might be unduly using my influence and authority as their doctor for my own profit, and causing harm to their esteem. Then there's the problem of whether I'm genuinely satisfied with the painting when it's presented, how I communicate that, and how it impacts the client. It's a dangerous situation so I have generally avoided it, and supervised other psychologists and coaches to do similarly.

  I definitely have been offered some weird things though. (1) A Japanese martial artist's knife. I felt this was too aggressively tinged, that the client had some suicidal tendencies, and I never allow weapons in the office even as a gift, so I declined. (2) A rare pet frog. (I was actually tempted, but no.) (3) Massage. (I don't touch my clients so this was a no-go.) (4) Soup. (5) Cottage cheese. (6) Fat free yogurt. (7) Cheeseballs. (8) Condoms. (Yes, seriously.) I could go on.

• "Would You Trust Me with Your Wallet Please?" When I was in graduate school, one of my first clients was a former prostitute who was working very hard to get out of that life. She'd come to see me specifically to get support. She found prostitution morally aversive and physically repulsive. During one of our very first sessions my supervisor knocked on the door to have a word with me about an urgent administrative matter. Before leaving the room I made the mistake of taking my wallet out of my suit jacket to carry with me.

  When I got back I got a real tongue lashing: "You know I came to see you because I'm a good person and I want out of the life! You know I'm not a thief! You're the only one who's supposed to believe in me and support me. What's wrong with you! You're no doctor!"

  I summarily handed her my wallet and excused myself to go to the bathroom down the hall, asking if she'd hold it for me for five minutes while I was gone. She smiled, waited for me to return, and handed it back. Nothing was taken. My identity remained intact. I probably broke 42 million textbook rules with this maneuver, and it was definitely a big risk, but I was young, saw no other alternative, and the client became one of my earliest success stories.

Anyway, I hope this gives you a glimpse into the more unusual side of a clinical psychologist's life. I've written several other articles on this site about the experience of being a psychologist. You can find them below:

• "The Single Most Common Question I Get as a Psychologist"
• "The Second Most Common Question I Get as a Psychologist"
• "The Single Best Thing about Being a Psychologist"
• "The Third Most Common Question I Get as a Psychologist"