Is Your Door Really Always Open? Social Interactions at Work

How many times have you said, “Hi, how are you?” and someone says, “I’m OK," or “Hanging in," and you left it at that, moving on with your agenda items? Or maybe a colleague said something like, “Ugh, I am so stressed," and you responded with, "Sorry to hear that. I am here for you," and then you moved on to the task or discussion. Did you follow up later in the day to see how they were doing? Did you take 5-10 extra minutes on the call or in the meeting to let them share what they are stressed about? Often, the answer to these questions is no.

The Mind Share Partners’ 2021 Mental Health at Work Report found that about two-thirds of participants talked about their mental health and wellness to someone at work. However, just about half of those people reported a positive or supportive response to such disclosure. Although we are progressing in talking about our stress and struggles, there is an evident need to look at how we respond to peers at work.

We often think of mental health conversations as related to a crisis. Yet, day-to-day interactions among colleagues are a vital antecedent to consider. Regular supportive conversations among colleagues can provide a foundation for individuals to feel as though they can turn to peers when they need support.

While colleagues may legitimately care about the well-being of their peers, it is easy to get wrapped up in busy schedules, caught in the routine of jumping from one meeting to the next. But the social aspect of work plays a crucial role in our overall wellness. While co-workers may feel they provided support by simply saying "they are there for them," the inaction beyond that message undermines that communication. Ask if they want to talk more or, even better, find out specifically what it is that might be causing stress. Don't just respond by saying, "I know this is a lot," or "This is just how it is around here," or "You'll get used to it"; these meaningless cliches can communicate to a colleague that you are not interested in really being there to talk things through with them.

Of course, when someone is having a difficult day, it does not always mean that there is a serious issue, crisis, or emergency. Still, those bad days can accumulate, and the build-up without receiving or perceiving that support is available at work can adversely affect mental health. It is also important to note that conversations and disclosure about mental health-related issues are not one-size-fits-all. There will be times when the person who is struggling in some way simply starts with saying that they are not doing well, and then waits to disclose more based on the recipient’s response. How often do we spend the time to go beyond the standard, “I am good. How are you?” Relying on surface-level supportive messages and neglecting to spend quality time speaking with peers about how they are really doing can be a missed opportunity to help a colleague reduce stress before reaching a point of crisis.

Previous research on social support tells us that peer emotional support can help reduce uncertainty about stressful situations, making recipients feel more in control and helping them cope (Albrecht & Adelman, 1987; Cohen & Wills, 1985). When the person feels that there are peers who will genuinely listen and want them to share and work through the stressful situation with them to help problem-solve, that can buffer the negative impact of stress on well-being.

Listen, Respond, Follow Up

In order to be truly supportive of colleagues, you must listen, respond effectively, and follow up when needed. There is a stark difference between hearing and listening. Actively listening to someone involves reaching a point of shared understanding, asking questions, avoiding judgment, and being able to summarize or prompt more detail about specific points they have made.

To actively listen to someone, you must be engaged and focused. At work, people often become fixated on the next task or meeting and neglect to actively listen to their peers. Active listening allows you to understand what that person is experiencing and, in some cases, what contributes to their stress. If you are rushing the person during an initial greeting or distracted whenever you ask a colleague how they are doing or feeling, they will be less likely to think that you actually want to know how they are.

Responding effectively can be challenging. Providing emotional support takes time and effort. This is such a critical aspect of your interactions with peers at work, and your response to their disclosure is paramount to their perception of available support in the future. Not spending the extra few minutes to allow a peer to share can send the message that you do not really care—or at least not enough to truly support them.

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Burleson (1994) argues that the most substantial social support involves highly person-centered messaging. Such messages focus directly on the individual and their needs. When the supporting individual focuses on legitimizing feelings and inspiring others to elaborate or share, the receiving co-worker is more likely to feel supported. In turn, they will feel better equipped to manage the stressor and can reappraise or re-evaluate the situation as less stressful and more controllable. For instance, if a colleague mentions that they are upset because they were overlooked for a promotion, and it is really bothering them, you might respond with the following:

You must feel so frustrated. I know how much that position means to you. And I know that you have been working hard to get that opportunity. You’re probably not only hurt but angry at not having your ability recognized. The hiring manager doesn’t realize that you have put in so much additional effort and energy into that project. How can I support you right now? Let’s talk things through together.

Or, if your workday does not allow the time to fully acknowledge and help them re-evaluate the stressful situation then and there, you could say:

I can imagine that must have been terribly difficult. I am running to a call right now, but can I call you after I am done? I want to hear more about this, and we can brainstorm the next steps together. How does 3:30 work?

When a colleague is open and mentions feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it is essential to consider how to validate that experience and empower them to disclose more with you. In encouraging them to unpack some of their stress with you, you are helping them make sense of the experience. When someone bypasses your comment about being stressed or struggling in any way, it can feel like they are diminishing your feelings and ignoring you.

For instance, as the supportive peer, you might feel as though messages like “I am sorry to hear that, “It will get better," or “Just don’t stress about it” are helpful. Though, without communicating to that colleague that you are actively listening and want them to go into detail as to how they are doing, you may be sending the implicit message that you do not genuinely care. Instead, you are providing a generic response and moving on with your day.

Validating the colleague’s feelings and prompting elaboration can help you determine what type of additional support they might need. For example, a colleague could be struggling with stress related to completing a project, dealing with organizational stressors, or even having a family conflict. Consequently, by giving them time and helping them talk through their experience, you will not only enhance their perception that support is available to them when they need it but also make you better able to provide the specific support they need.

For those who are so busy during the day that they don't have the space to actively listen to a peer without distraction, make it a point to follow up later. Something as simple as a text at the end of the day can go a long way. It is crucial to tell the person you want to hear more or chat further about what they are going through so you will follow up later.

Even more vital is following through on that and ensuring that you connect. Common phrases like “My door is always open” or “I am here if you need anything” only mean something if matched with action and demonstrating that you will truly be there to provide support. Even if behind the scenes, this requires you to write an actual reminder to follow up with that person or time on your calendar—those efforts can go a long way.

The next time you tell colleagues that “your door is always open," ask yourself—is it really? Do I really give my time, energy, and focus to my peers who need support? Without person-centered messages and dedicated follow-through on a regular basis, that phrase is quite trivial. As we continue the conversation about workplace health and wellness, consider the most basic day-to-day conversations with the people you spend a great amount of your time with—your colleagues.