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Key points
- It is very important for siblings to be heard when their brother or sister dies.
- The siblings that are left need to feel supported by their families and friends.
- Grieving siblings often feel they are being compared to the sibling that died rather than supported by family.
The death of a sibling can have a profound impact on a person’s life. Losing a brother or sister in childhood is one of the most confusing and life-changing events a person can experience except for losing a parent at a young age.
It is very important for siblings to feel that they have been heard and understood as they navigate through their grief.
When a young sibling child dies, it is important that children are reassured that they themselves will be OK and that they are safe. They also need to know that it is not their fault that their brother or sister died, because they may have had an argument, fight, or had angry words with their sibling in the days before he or she died.
Surviving children need to know that they are still loved by their families, especially when everyone around them is overwhelmed by the death. Parents can be tired, confused and maybe even angry, short-tempered, crying a lot, and withdrawn due to their own grief for this loss and may not include the surviving child or children who are also lost and confused, but yet need to be loved and reassured that their parents still love them.
The bereaved siblings need to have their grief recognized and feel supported by their parents and grandparents and not feel as if no one cares about them. It is important to allow them to talk about their deceased sibling and not be told not to mention their name.
As these siblings grow up, they miss their sibling who died and try to live up to their name which can be very difficult for them at times; but yet they may feel that is what everyone wants from them because everyone is constantly talking about their deceased sibling and comparing them to that sibling.
It is very important to be careful how you speak to them, because your words matter to them and they look to you for comfort and love, not judgment.
They may hurt inside and not know how to express that hurt. They may have lost their own self-esteem and feel that they are not as good as the deceased sibling was. They may feel it is their fault if there was an accident and their sibling died and they didn’t die in the accident.
Teens may have a very difficult time as well as young children, because they may feel they are not receiving support from their parents, grandparents, and even their peers. They want to talk about their deceased sibling but don’t want to upset everyone, so they keep everything inside of them and become isolated from friends as well as family.
The death of a sibling in adulthood is also very difficult, especially if they were close to the deceased sibling. However, as siblings get older, they often go their own way and yet some still remain very close. This death can be very devastating because it is not really recognized by society. Many times, siblings are not given time off from work because of the death of their sibling, as they would be for the death of a parent or child. Occasionally they are ignored by friends, neighbors, and possibly other siblings because others were not very close to them and they really have not had any contact with them for many years.
The best advice to families and friends from grieving siblings is this: Don’t forget that we are hurting too. Please listen to us, love us, and show us you care, and don’t forget about us. Please don’t compare us to our deceased sibling; we are grieving, too, and miss them. They are not us and we are not them. They may have been smarter and cuter and everyone’s favorite, but we are still here and have our own lives to live and need your love and support, especially at this very difficult time.
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