Do Men Get the Support They Need When a Child Dies?

The answer to that is not really. When a little boy falls, they are told, “Suck it up,” and “Don’t be a crybaby; remember, you have to be tough.” They are basically told by society to stuff their feelings because they have to be tough and not cry like a little girl might do. Now they don’t know what to do with these feelings, except they are not allowed to express them in public.

Now this little boy has grown to be a teenager, and his best friend has been killed in an automobile crash or died from a drug overdose, or perhaps someone in his family has died. He has no idea what to do with his feelings or who to talk to because he has never been allowed to express them.

This teenager is now a young man in his 20s, and he has had other experiences of death and grief throughout his life and is still not sure what to do. Then a sibling, close friend, or parent ends their life, and he is devasted. He ends up going to a therapist for help, but the words and feelings are just not coming, and he sits in silence for fear of what the therapist might think of him.

This young man is now in his 30s or 40s and is married and has a family, and one of his children dies from a disease, an accident, or ended his life. His wife had a miscarriage, and everyone is surrounding her, trying to comfort her. But he is the dad, and that was to be his child, too.

His wife and family are trying to comfort him, but he is not sure what to say, except he is in a great deal of pain inside, and no one will listen to him. He wants to scream, cry, and shout but doesn’t know what to do because he was told as a little boy to be “tough,” and “don’t cry or show your feelings, that is not what a big boy does.”

He just wants to be heard and express his pain and sorrow and grief for his own flesh and blood, but how does he do that, and who will really listen to him? Sometimes, he thinks that the answer is to just get drunk, and that way, he won’t feel the pain. Perhaps he should just work a lot and not think about the death, but that doesn’t help either.

He starts to cry from his inner pain and the loss of his child but quickly wipes his eyes. His wife and family are allowed to cry, mourn, and grieve, so why isn’t he?

There are misconceptions by many people about grief, such as that after a few months, we are to “move on” and simply “get over it.” How sad that many people are treated this way, especially men. They need help, support, and comfort just like everyone else, and sometimes even more.

The man has always been thought of as the strong one of the family and thinks he should have a “stiff upper lip.” How sad that men are treated like that most of the time. How sad that they are forgotten when it comes to grief. They need to know and be told they are not alone and people are praying for them, too. But most of all, they need to be heard and allowed to express their feelings outwardly and not ignored or ridiculed if they show their emotions, but rather supported and comforted.

Remember to allow men to feel what they feel and to express their inner turmoil as they try to navigate their way through their grief journey. Hopefully, as we do this to support them, they, too, will reach out to other men, their own siblings, children, and grandchildren to support and show their love to them.