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Key points
- How long does grief take? Grief takes as long as it takes. There is no time limit.
- Everyone grieves differently: men and women, children and teens, older adults and younger adults.
- It is important to know that it is okay not to be okay. Please do not let others tell you how you should feel.
Trying to navigate through your grief is not an easy thing to do—but I am sure you might know that by now.
I have many people who ask when they first come into my grief groups, “How long is this going to take—weeks, months, years?” My answer is always the same. “Grief takes as long as it takes.” Now that may sound like I am trying to avoid the question—but I am not. Grief does take as long as it takes.
Everyone grieves differently. For example, men and women grieve differently, as do children, teens, younger adults, and older adults. There is no set time limit. What works for one person may not work for anyone else.
You see, when you have lost a piece of your heart, there is no time limit. There is no right way to grieve, just yours. If it works for you, that is great. However, if it doesn’t, perhaps you might try something different.
It might help you to do some journaling, to seek out a grief group or an individual grief therapist—remember, not every therapist works with grief, so be sure you find a grief therapist.
You might even look back into your life when you had another loss or something tragic happen and how you made it through that experience. What did you do then that you are not doing now?
It is important to know that it is okay not to be okay right now. There will be friends, neighbors, and family members who may try to rush you through your grief—because they are uncomfortable with how you are acting and how you are feeling. Please ignore them. They are not grieving, you are!
The way you grieve also depends on the type of death that occurred—medical, accident, suicide, death of a baby, child, teen, pet, grandparent, etc. It also depends on how close you were to the person who died.
Was this a sudden death, a lingering illness, or a shooting/stabbing? Were you with them when they died? Did they live out of town and you got a phone call about their death? All of this makes a difference for the grieving person.
You will enter a “new normal,” which means you cannot go back to the way things were in the past because your loved one has died and is no longer here. However, you can still communicate with them.
In this “new normal,” whatever you are feeling is ok. If you are crying a lot, feeling guilty, angry, not wanting to be around people, it is ok because that is where you are now and that is what grief is about.
Mentally, you may not be able to focus on what you are reading or doing at home or at your job. You may lose things, forget where you put things, go to the store and not remember why you went, or drive down the street and not remember where you are going or how you even got there. This is your new normal for a while—but not forever.
Grief can affect your life physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Please seek help if you think you might need it. Don’t let others tell you when they think you should get help; only you know when you are ready.
Physically, you may feel very tired or have chest pain, headaches, as well as other physical symptoms.
Socially, sometimes it takes a village to help you navigate through your grief, and that is okay. Just remember, it may seem like you are alone—but when you're ready to talk to someone, need a shoulder to cry on, need someone to listen to you without giving you unsolicitous advice, or need someone to just give you a hug, there are people ready to help.
There are people in your life that you trust or even those you didn’t expect to be there for who will be there.
You may take one step forward and two steps back, but that is to be expected when you are trying to navigate through the muddy waters of grief.
Spiritually, you may not feel comfortable with how you are feeling about God, because you have been praying for your loved one and they died anyway. When you are ready, it may be a good idea to make an appointment to talk with your clergy. This might help you in some way.
You may not want to go back to your place of worship, because you may be afraid of crying around others. Perhaps going to a different service time might help you as well.
So, don’t give up, don’t let others put expectations on you and your grief (I am sure you may have already done that to yourself), take a deep breath, and talk about your loved one. Allow others to do the same, and your loved one will never be forgotten. It can be a wonderful feeling to hear stories about your loved one that you never heard before.
It is okay to tell your story because it is in the telling of your story that your healing will take place.
Blessings to you as you navigate through your grief journey.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
