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Key points
- Often, the non-bereaved do not realize the negative effect their words can have on the bereaved.
- It helps to try to put oneself in the bereaved's perspective before speaking.
- Sometimes a hug or just being present can do more good than words.
What do our words mean when we are talking to someone? Our words often cause an action or a reaction from the receiver. Our words can be loving, sweet, and caring, or possibly harsh, vindictive, cruel, and uncaring.
Many people don’t realize the effect their words have on another person; they simply say what they want and move on, not considering the impact. As a grief therapist, I have found this to be especially common when people speak to the bereaved. It seems that when some people talk with those who are grieving, they may try to help, but instead cause more hurt. Also, sometimes the non-bereaved person gives the bereaved advice on to how to feel, how to act, and what to do with their life after a death, such as “Get over it” or “Move on.” The reality is that they feel uncomfortable with the way the sadness of the bereaved, or their crying, or expressions of loneliness—and just want them to change to make the non-bereaved feel better.
Many times, the non-bereaved person will give their advice and then go home to their living spouse, friend, child, or sibling, feeling good about their advice to the individual whose loved one has died, but that bereaved person is now left to deal with the words left behind.
Grief is a difficult process to navigate, so when someone does not understand or feels uncomfortable, their words can leave the bereaved worse off than they were before. So, what can be done to help those who are non-bereaved to try to understand that their words could hurt rather than help?
7 tips that help both the bereaved and the non-bereaved:
- Think before you speak.
- Listen rather than speak.
- Ask yourself: What would you want someone to say to you if you had experienced the death of a loved one?
- Remember, this could be you someday.
- Sometimes, silence or a hug may be better than anything words can convey. However, be sure to ask the person if you could give them a hug because they may not want you to.
- If you offer to pray for them and their family, please be sure that you do because they will be expecting you to pray for them.
- Always try to mention the deceased person’s name when talking to the bereaved. If possible, tell the bereaved a story or something that you remember about the deceased.
All of these items help the bereaved feel that their loved one has not been forgotten, that someone still remembers them, and that they have been heard. The words we say to the bereaved, or really to anyone, can cause a great deal of joy or a great deal of sadness. Remember the seven items listed above before you say something that you cannot take back and may live on in a person’s mind every time they see you or think about you.
Words like “I love you,” “I care about you,” or “I am here for you” are always appreciated. Words that instead can hurt include: “Why can’t you just listen instead of always trying to fix things?”; “What really happened?”; “Move on.”; “Get over it."; “You have children who need you.”; or “You are young enough; you can always find someone else.” When a pet dies, don’t say, “You can always go out and get another one; it was only an animal.” Phrases like “Time heals all wounds” or “It was God’s will” can be particularly painful.
Why do some people speak the way they do? Some don’t think, some don’t care, and some really do care but are not really sure what to say, so they say the wrong thing.
Words matter. People are hurt every day by someone who is upset, hurt, or just doesn’t care about what they say and does not consider the consequences of their words.
