Staying Together After Cheating

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Infidelity is very common in romantic relationships. A recent study examining rates of reported extramarital sex in a US sample of over 22,000 people from 1991-2018 revealed that 16.48% of respondents admitted to having sex with someone other than their husband or wife while married (Djamba & Kimuna, 2020). Men consistently reported higher rates of cheating compared to women, and individuals who were divorced were two to three times more likely to report infidelity in their relationships than people who were still married. Of course, these estimates likely underestimate true infidelity rates because many people don’t want to admit cheating behavior openly.

The negative effects of infidelity on mental health are well documented (see Rokach & Chan, 2023; Heintzelman et al., 2014). For example, most people feel betrayed, angry, anxious, depressed, and ashamed after learning that their partner is cheating. It’s also common for the cheater to feel guilty, depressed, and remorseful and have difficulty expressing what wasn’t working for them about their marriage because the affair itself is such a monumental event that can dominate the discourse.

Given that cheating is not uncommon and often results in breakups and divorce, the question arises: Can couples recover from an affair and get back together—possibly in an even better relationship than before?

Recovery From an Affair

The discovery of an affair is a pivotal point in a romantic relationship—often a very painful and even traumatic one. Although discovering a cheating partner can feel insurmountable in the moment, it offers a couple the opportunity to evaluate and change the way they relate to one another. Each partner is confronted with a choice: Do you want to work to transform through this period to see whether you can build a new relationship together, or do you want to end it here?

Some of the most important factors that will affect a couple’s ability to recover after an affair include:

1. Willingness to work together. Both parties must be willing to work through their own pain, listen, understand, and support each other to rebuild the relationship effectively. If one or both partners aren’t willing to put in the effort and time in good faith to rebuild the relationship, it’s going to be hard to stay together in a healthy way.
2. Atonement for being unfaithful. Full and total responsibility for choosing to engage in an affair and sincere remorse for violating marital boundaries are often essential to healing. The cheater must be willing to see their cheating behavior, own it, and apologize for it. This generally includes cutting off contact with the extramarital lover.
3. Dedication to change what wasn’t working. Although the person having the affair is always responsible for their behavior, staying together requires each person to reflect on their role in the relationship's struggles. For example, one or both partners may have avoided having a sexual relationship with their spouse, struggled to communicate their needs and desires openly, or felt bored or suffocated in their current relationship and wanted more excitement. The factors that contributed to marital discord and the affair itself must be unpacked and shifted to decrease the likelihood of it happening again.
4. Intention to forgive. As much as an affair is painful to the person who was cheated on, research suggests that forgiveness is a key component of moving on (Heintzelman et al., 2014). Often a person who is cheated on feels intense rage and anger over the affair, sometimes leading them to punish and resent their spouse. To rebuild trust and connection, forgiveness of the past while setting new boundaries for the future is key.
5. Efforts to reconnect and reattach. Building positive, loving intimacy is key to moving forward. It may take time to want to be sexual and emotionally vulnerable again, but the goal is to come together again in a fulfilling way.

The Naked Truth Is This: Being in a committed partnership is a choice. People and couples make that choice for myriad reasons: They believe life is better with this person than without, they want their children to have two parents, they don’t want to be alone, their family wanted it, or it’s consistent with their religious or spiritual beliefs. Regardless of the reasons, it is up to the couple to decide the boundaries of their relationship and—in good faith—try to uphold them.

For anyone who has broken up because of infidelity and struggling to move on, my book Letting Go of Your Ex may be helpful.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best on your continued journey.