Raise a Confident ADHD Child

“Why can’t you just clean your room, start your homework, study for your test, and put your bike away?” I cannot count the number of times I have said the words “Why can’t you just” to my ADHD son. When he was diagnosed, it never occurred to me that he couldn’t just get things done, or that a task I may consider routine, he viewed as overwhelming and struggled with daily. I remember reading an article on ADHD in which the author equated completing a task with ADHD to writing cursive using your non-dominant hand while having one of your feet make circles, the other foot move side to side, and tapping your head with your dominant hand. How do we help our ADHD kids manage their challenges and feel good about themselves? Practice being their cheerleader.

Why our ADHD kids struggle with feelings of low self-esteem

Those with ADHD are dreamers, inventors, creatives, and entrepreneurs. However, our kids are rarely acknowledged for these exceptional traits and instead are recognized for failing grades, incomplete tasks, forgetfulness, and emotionality. Dr. Michael Jellineck, Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, has estimated children with ADHD could receive as many as 20,000 corrections for their behavior in school by the time they are 10 years old. Daily challenges and constant criticism can lead to low self-esteem in kids (and adults) with ADHD. Ironically, the same diffuse attention that makes focusing on tasks problematic also leads to original and imaginative problem-solving abilities.

Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, has proposed two types of mindsets: a fixed mindset, and a growth mindset. According to Dweck’s research, individuals with a fixed mindset believe they have a certain set of skills, and those skills cannot be modified or changed; you are good at something or you are not. Those with a fixed mindset are afraid of failure and feel if they are not very good at something there is no need to work at it. In contrast, individuals with a growth mindset view mistakes as learning opportunities to help them perform better in the future.

Children and adults with ADHD often have a fixed mindset and feel frustrated when they struggle to complete a task that they believe they are not good at. I have often heard the words “I am not good at this,” or “I am stupid” from my son as he struggles with something he is trying to do. It’s this overgeneralization of failure that leads to low self-esteem and subsequent negative emotions.

Our ADHD kids need a cheerleader

A cheerleader is an enthusiastic and vocal supporter of someone or something. According to ADHD expert Dr. William Dodson, those with ADHD need a cheerleader:

“To counteract feelings of shame and low self-esteem, people with ADHD need support from other individuals who believe they are a good or worthwhile person."

As parents, what are some ways we can accomplish this?

• Treat your child as though he/she is capable.
• Help your child to set realistic goals so he/she can actually accomplish tasks.
• Help your child to develop his/her natural talents. This is where hyperfocus is an asset; the intense focus on, and learning about, a topic can make your child feel like an expert.
• Highlight your child’s strengths and leverage them to help your child succeed.
• Work on developing a collaborative relationship with your child.

The cheerleader reinforces the good qualities in individuals with ADHD and offers to be there every step of the way, providing encouragement and support. This can, for example, help our ADHD kids to move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Our kids often need to prove to themselves, and others, that they can do something and often require validation of their abilities from others. According to Dweck, the key is to praise your child’s effort. For example, if your child receives an A on a test say you are proud of him/her because of the effort he/she put into studying for the test. When my son is becoming frustrated with completing a task, I try to point out to him how much he has already accomplished. According to Dr. Peter Jaksa, former president of the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA), realizing that ADHD is a set of neurobiogical symptoms that can be managed, and identifying and appreciating your accomplishments, can help to boost your self-esteem.

When my son was in high school and preparing for his Confirmation, the parents of the candidates were asked to fill out a questionnaire. One of the questions was what you admired most about your child. I never really thought about it until I had to answer the question, and suddenly realized the importance of letting my son know my answer. I admire my son’s willingness to take a chance, rise to a challenge, and be fearless. I tell him that often and try to be the best cheerleader I can.