10 Keys for a Productive Conversation With Your Daughter

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If I have learned anything from decades of working with families, it is that parents are almost always thinking about how to get the most out of the discussions they have with teens and tweens. This makes sense. Productive conversations are the foundation of successful parenting. It is our main vehicle for staying in touch with what is in our daughters’ hearts and minds. It is how we communicate about our hopes for them, the values we would like them to adopt, and what makes us most proud. In harder conversations, we convey what concerns us, how we would like our girls to improve, and why.

Like most mothers, you probably give a lot of thought to what you want to say to your daughter. You start conversations when you believe she will be most receptive to talking. But despite your best intentions, too often discussions do not go as you plan—that is, they don’t go well. Perhaps your very first words cause your teen or tween to get prickly, roll her eyes, or look away. Or just minutes into the conversation, she may clam up, act defensive, or stomp off to her bedroom, perhaps while muttering—or shouting—her displeasure.

Here we go again, you may think. Why do our discussions get derailed? Although it is sometimes obvious, more often you may be baffled about what went wrong. Or, more painfully, wonder where you went wrong. This is so common that I decided to investigate from teens' and tweens’ perspectives what differentiates productive mother-daughter conversations from those that are stopped in their tracks. Here are ten things they told me their mothers do that encourage them to keep talking.

1. Listen to Understand. Your daughter will be more engaged in conversations that make her feel heard. In contrast, lecturing or moralizing impede honest discussions because she thinks, “Nothing I say will matter to my mom, so why should I bother?” When you listen attentively, avoid interrupting, and reflect back what you hear, you convey a desire to learn more about your daughter (“So, you’ve been feeling resentful?” or “What made you think that?”) that facilitates not only honest conversations but also goodwill and closeness in your relationship.
2. Elicit Cooperation. Due to her normal developmental desire for autonomy, your teen is more likely to cooperate when you acknowledge that you cannot control her. (If only!) If you threaten or make demands, you will likely create a power struggle that backfires by causing her to bristle and dig in her heels even more determinedly. This is why parents almost never prevail in power struggles. It is far better to avoid pushback by candidly admitting, “I know you don’t have to do this, and I can’t make you do it, but I hope you will.”
3. Speak Respectfully. Like most humans, teen girls respond better to cordial voices rather than to negative, sarcastic, or condescending tones they find offensive. This is why so many hopes of meaningful conversations are immediately extinguished. On the other hand, if your verbal and nonverbal communications are positive and respectful, your daughter will be more likely to recognize your good intentions, feel friendlier toward you, and talk willingly with you.
4. Demonstrate Trustworthiness. To encourage your tween or teen to confide in you, you have to demonstrate that you will faithfully safeguard personal or sensitive information. Girls are loath to entrust mothers whom they observe gossiping or divulging secrets. If you must disclose what your daughter tells you, be upfront about it. Explain who needs to know and why, and address any concerns she has about the possible fallout—that is, how she may be affected by others learning about her role in this situation (“I’ll make sure your school psychologist doesn’t tell anyone that you were worried about Jen”).
5. Stay in Control. Teens and tweens often fear conversations blowing up into ugly fights. At this age, when girls are not always able to manage their urges and emotional reactions, they have to depend on their mothers to maintain control. If you lose your cool, your daughter might, too. Or if she sees you “flipping out,” she will probably run for cover. That is why it is best to put off challenging conversations until you feel emotionally grounded. Try saying to your daughter something like, “Please give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts before we talk about this.”
6. Convey Tolerance. With their still-developing sense of self causing exquisite sensitivity, tweens and teens avoid fessing up to things they worry mothers will judge. In fact, much of girls’ denial (“No, I didn’t) and outright lying (“Our teacher said we weren’t having a unit test”) is designed to protect them from mothers’ criticisms or over-the-top reactions. Whether your daughter is talking about a friend or herself, if you refrain from intense responses (“Noooo! Are you kidding me?”) and remain even-tempered (“Hmmm. Why do you suppose that happened?”), she is more likely to disclose other information and to participate in productive conversations.
7. Offer What’s Needed. Hearing about girls’ problems, mothers understandably want to help. But quickly offering fixes (“You have to tell her you won’t put up with her talking behind your back”) tends to shut down conversations. That is because teens and tweens often just want to vent. Also, when told what they should do, girls conclude that mothers think they’re unable to figure out how to solve their own problems. To ensure you’re offering the help your daughter is looking for, try asking, “Do you want me just to listen, or would you like my opinion?”
8. Express Empathy. Difficult discussions are often emotionally fraught. Mothers who address teens or tweens’ poor decisions, for example, may be anxious or infuriated about the risks their children took. But leading with powerful, negative emotions (“Do you realize how terrified we were? You could have been killed!”) can be overwhelming and off-putting to girls. If instead, you put yourself in your daughter’s shoes and recall your experiences at her age, this empathetic perspective makes her feel more understood and less defensive, which facilitates worthwhile conversations.
9. Manage Anxiety. Teens and tweens are highly sensitive to mothers’ anxiety. One whiff of maternal nervous energy or agitation, and they’ll avoid saying or doing anything to send it into the red zone. If you take a moment to check in with yourself about the intensity of what you’re feeling, you can decide whether it’s wise to launch into a conversation or to practice a little self-care first. When your daughter doesn’t feel like she has to take care of your feelings, she is better able to be her authentic self in expressing her own.
10. Prioritize the Mother-Daughter Relationship. It is a given that parenting adolescents requires you to address challenging matters. But it’s crucial to remember that how you do so—for example, whether you are receptive to learning new things or insist that you are right—enormously affects your mother-daughter connection. While issues come and go, keep in mind that your relationship with your daughter is forever. The abiding affection, gentleness, compassion, and thoughtfulness you invest, especially when tackling tough topics, is sure to pay dividends.