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Some people are surprised when they hear that as a therapist, I also have my own therapist. I think there’s a misconception that therapists should have their relational and emotional lives in order. Therapists are people too. We’re human, we’re flawed, we have blind spots. If anything, I’d be wary of therapists who have never seen a therapist or feel they don’t need their own.
In my own journey from client to counselor, nothing has been more enriching than being a client and continuing to be a client in a therapy office. I ask clients to attend weekly sessions if possible as that’s the gold standard for frequency and I wouldn’t be such a strong advocate if I wasn’t willing to do the same.
First off, seeing a therapist once a week (or more frequently if needed), gives both sides the requisite time needed to address pertinent issues that come up (personal, relational, professional, emotional, spiritual, physical, etc.). Clients who see me every other week or sometimes monthly can feel more like a check-up because by the time we might identify an issue that could use more time, the session is over and we have to wait another two weeks, which by then can result in having the pertinent activated emotions subside and thus lose the chance to capitalize on the pressing emotional barriers or struggles.
For myself, I have come a long way in terms of my healing. I’ve reconciled the childhood loss of emotional nurturing growing up in a traditional Chinese household that prided itself on stoicism. I’ve understood how my ethnic background, family dynamics, and personal struggles have contributed to my compulsive tendencies and personality. Now as a husband and parent to an eight-year-old boy, I’m learning to navigate healthy parenting and relational skills with my wife where I often come up short. What I mean by that is that I’m noticing I can get very defensive and competitive in my arguments with her, while with our son I can get easily angered, raise my voice, and use fear and intimidation to get him to listen and obey. These are all relational ways of getting my needs met that I learned early in life.
In my current therapy, I’m trying to find new ways to regulate myself emotionally when I’m triggered by my spouse or child. I’m also learning that I can validate both even if I vehemently disagree with their thoughts or feelings. One recent example is my wife felt under-appreciated by the amount of household chores and cooking she does compared to me. In the past, I would be quick to use examples of how I had told her I appreciated her. My defensiveness would show up in a response like, “How could you feel unappreciated when I just thanked you for cooking and cleaning the other day?!” Now I’m learning to listen and respond with validating statements previously felt foreign to me such as, “It makes sense from your perspective (not mine) that you would feel unappreciated.”
For our son, he’s constantly clamoring and asking for things like toys and treats (e.g. “Can we get ice cream today?” or “Can you buy me that electric bike?”) instead of just shooting him down and saying, “Not today” or “We can’t afford that,” I’m learning to validate and acknowledge his desire to want these things: “It makes sense you would want ice cream today” or “It makes sense you would want an electric bike (or any other toy).” When I say the phrase, “It makes sense…”, I not only validate the speaker, I also am getting closer to empathizing with the content even if I disagree. In my son’s case, who wouldn’t want to eat ice cream all the time, or want bikes and other cool toys. That’s how we’ve been conditioned — to want to eat or have things that bring us enjoyment. I can validate that knowing the child in me has been there before.
When it comes to spousal validation, that can be more challenging, as it’s often during a moment of emotional escalation and it does take some skill-building for me to calm my body down first as it’s the first part to go offline prior to defensiveness taking root. If, and that’s still a work in progress, if I can keep myself emotionally regulated (not yelling or having the defensiveness/argumentative part show up), I stand a much better chance of having my curious and validating part take charge.
Sometimes the relational challenges seem daunting despite the years of work put in and discouragement can set in. But my weekly sessions continue to ground me and motivate me to do better. If you haven’t worked with a therapist before, I always encourage people to “try therapy” even if there are no presenting issues. There are always moments when there’s not much drama in my life to talk about and those times are filled with opportunities to reflect and recalibrate on what’s working in my life and what I want to see improved. Even things like my hobbies get airtime: photography, motorcycling, travel, and jiu-jitsu. While seemingly trivial, having the space to verbally process all aspects of my life gives me not only a greater sense of direction and conviction in my life’s journey, but it also reinforces humanity’s deepest need: our need to be heard and seen. This is the gift therapy has to offer to those willing to unveil themselves to another human being.
