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What is a man? It’s a pervasive question that enters the realm of therapy when male clients come to me to address their varied issues. No matter what the issue is—addiction, marital problems, or work/life balance—it invariably touches on the question of masculinity.
Women tend to have a better sense of their identity, rooted in the feminist movement which began with the term “the feminine mystique,” given by Betty Friedan to the restrictive social roles and expectations placed on women in postwar America.
The phrase was used to describe the assumptions that women would be fulfilled from their housework, marriage, sexual lives, and children. The prevailing belief at the time was that women who were truly feminine should not want to work, get an education, or have political opinions.
Consequently, women now have been empowered to seek out education and a career and voice their opinions, thus creating a more balanced gender power dynamic than in the prior decades and centuries.
But with female empowerment came male confusion. High divorce rates and the disintegration of the nuclear family added to the confusion. We have a lost part of a generation of boys and men who are bereft of strong social and communal bonds to help them find their way.
They grope around in addiction, compulsive behaviors, or rigid fantasies of masculinity to soothe the lost ego. Men may complain about boring jobs or chase the high of drugs, alcohol, or sex to numb their emotions. Yet in the end, it only compounds their grief.
When I work with men, we not only address the initial concerns and goals that brought them in but we also work to delve into their masculine essence. How do I help them find the core of their soul lost by family, cultural, or societal expectations? I ask them to listen to the lifelong yearnings and longings that seem like a faint murmur. In time, those voices get louder. Stripped of the cacophony that tells men, “I shouldn’t do this” or “I can’t do that” are the echoes of the soul that tells them, “Yes, I can do that” or “I must do that!”
In modern parlance, people may call this a “passion,” but that word seems too weighted and lofty. In its place, I like to use “spiritual direction” or “life energy” knowing our hearts could change “passions” or “purposes” depending on our circumstances and stage in life.
This work of guidance is collaborative. I am not the holder of knowledge—the client is. I give containment and challenge men to stop bowing down to their self-destructive behaviors or relationships and seek their inner truth—truth that can only be birthed through the pain of emotional and relational “stretching.” Emotions are stretched because I ask men to relinquish long-established means of coping. Relationships are stretched because men are challenged to stop their years of people-pleasing to parents, partners, and/or social views of “success.”
The masculine mystique is personal. Each man must know what makes him tick. No book, locker room, or board room will teach you the essence of you. Only you can know, but only if you’re willing to find guides willing to challenge you along the path of your desired destiny. If not, you will continue to languish in the space between desire and unfulfilled spiritual growth.
