Waking Up in Real Life, for Life

Do any of these statements ring true?

• Everyone’s life seems more together than mine. Why can’t I get my act together?
• I have this idea of what my life should be, but I’m in a job that’s a far cry from that idea. (This could apply equally to a relationship, where you live, etc.)
• I’m turning 18/21/30/40/50/60/70 this year. How did I get here? Why is my life not the way I imagined it? I’ll get my life together soon.

We can all feel like we’re surviving rather than thriving. Like our lives are not quite as we’d like them to be. This feeling can occur in small, seemingly trivial moments. Perhaps lying in bed worrying about the day ahead or ruminating about something that happened during the day. Or they can be more significant events. For example, a tryout for a sports team, an application for college, an interview for a job, a child who needs to tell us something important, mentoring others, a romantic date, a birthday party, our wedding day, an anniversary.

These moments, small and big, can also be overrun by habit—we do it the way we think we should or the way we’ve always done it. Someone put it like this: “A tyranny of should have, could have, would have.” Or we’re so full of worry, that we’re not present: “I hope it’s going okay. I wonder if everyone’s having a good time. Did I remember to_?”

When I got married, the best advice I got the day before my wedding day was, “Enjoy it.” I did. I enjoyed being with my wife, and my friends, the food, the beautiful ceremony, the feeling of love that permeated the wedding, and the impromptu midnight swimming in the lake!

How do you keep this sense of interest, joy, and vitality? How do you keep from slipping back into habit? How do you recapture your mojo? How do you live with a sense of purpose? You start in the small moments of your day, being awake to your life. Here’s a practice for starting the day.

Source: RomanSamborskyi_Shutterstock

Getting the Day Off to a Good Start

The way you start your day frames the whole day. If you can start the day well, you’re more likely to be able to handle the inevitable issues the day throws up. Many ancient contemplative traditions suggest starting the day with some contemplation, prayer, or meditation. Starting our day with a sense of purpose and intention can become part of the fabric of our lives. Each day is a new day that you can choose to seize—carpe diem.

For most of us, the start of the day can provide several points at which we can pause and really “wake up.” It could be the moment we transition from sleep to wakefulness, or the moment just before or after we get out of bed, in the shower, exercising, as we eat some breakfast, or commute to work. Everyone’s day is different, but for most of us, there are a few moments when we can pause and check-in. Start by choosing a good moment where you can pause and think about the day ahead. In that moment:

Tune in to how you’re doing, noting how your body is (rested or tired, for example) and how your mind is (alert or drowsy).

Now turn your attention to your breath and body, noticing the sensations of breathing in your belly or chest.

Riding the waves of a few breaths can steady you. You don’t need to do anything about your breathing; it happens automatically. That’s why bringing your attention to the breath can be so helpful; it’s something that’s always there taking care of itself.

Now take a few moments to think about the day ahead. What are you looking forward to? What are you worried about? Are there any commitments you’d like to make to yourself about how you’d like the day to be? Pause to maybe make these commitments to yourself, perhaps being specific, saying to yourself, “Today I will...” or “I will move through my day with an attitude of curiosity.” It’s important to make this positive: “I will...” rather than “I won’t...” Try to see in your mind’s eye how the day might pan out as you’d like it to.

Each day is a chance to start again, choosing how you want to be today.

When this practice becomes part of how you start your day, you can develop it further. It can be helpful to think about what is important to you, what is meaningful, and what you value. This could be to be effective, laugh more, be creative, have fun, be true to yourself, be respectful of others, contribute to things you care about, and even take time to do nothing.

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What’s important to you could be determination, security, to be a good father/mother/daughter/son/ partner; to be kind, to be loving, to be honest, to have fun. Keep it simple and manageable. You can then revisit this intention during the day, dropping into moments when what you’ve committed to is actually happening. This is about clarifying what’s important to you—your values—so you can live in ways more aligned with your values.

This was Sam’s experience. He is a young man who works as a nurse.

“I was doing an advanced practicum in the Intensive Care Unit of a general hospital. One day, I roll in after a marathon shift, emotionally drained. What’s my genius move? Fire up the computer game, of course. Friends online, bets flying, and before I know it, it’s 3:00 A.M. No dinner, 50 bucks down, and I’m a wreck. I crash into bed, knowing the alarm’s set for 7:00, and I’m back in the hospital at 8:00. I realized gaming’s not doing me any favors.

I told myself, “Let’s make a change. A small change is fine.” I decided to kick off each day by eating something, preferably something healthy. So next time I shopped, I stocked up on decent cereals. Milk? Not always in my fridge. Enter cereal bars. It may sound small, but it means I am getting some food before my shift. I’ll deal with the gaming later.”

Chapter 1 of my new book, Mindfulness for Life, offers ways to wake up to our lives, and for a lifetime. Starting your day with clear intentions, trying to stay aware, and reviewing all that happened at the end of the day—these are all ways of answering the question, “How well am I spending my time?” You can start to get better at handling your day, so your words and actions don’t create problems for you, the people around you, and the wider world. And if they do, you can have the grace and good humor to be honest and straightforward, learning from experience. Over time this leads to a sense of greater confidence in your words and actions and more of a sense of making your own choices.

Waking up and paying attention extends outward to what we do, and don’t do, in the wider world. We can live in ever-increasing circles, with a sense of the well-being of people around us, the communities we are part of, and the planet we inhabit.

This post was excerpted from my book, Mindfulness for Life (Guilford Press, 2024).