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Key points
- We tend to be perpetually dissatisfied with where we are, even if we accomplish our goals or get what we’ve wanted.
- A basic yet powerful way to promote happiness is appreciating and wanting where we already are and what we already have.
- Consistently celebrating your wins, sometimes without and sometimes before focusing on the next goal, is fundamental to happiness.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that we live in a "striving" world. We constantly want more experiences, more money, more power, more joy, more success, more recognition, more followers and attention on our social media posts, more achievement; you get the idea. Unfortunately "more" is rewarded.
The "More" Trap
Those who are victim to the "more" trap often have narcissistic tendencies and seem to climb to fame. Many dimensions of our world reward and encourage unbridled selfishness from the "more" trap. In our profit-driven world, this is what companies and capitalism want: for us to feel like we're constantly lacking so we constantly need the next best thing, and "more" of it. That way we're guaranteed to continue spending on "more," never feeling like we're enough, or complete.
While it drives profit, it comes at a massive cost to our well-being. It leaves us feeling progressively emptier, trapped in a gradually rising and perpetually craving state. Every time we think we achieve something, in reality, we are likely falling deeper into a deeper and more dangerous "craving more" state.
My life is full of examples of this from my career development. In high school, all I wanted was to graduate. Then all I wanted was to get into a decent college. Then all I wanted was admission into a master's program. Then a doctorate. Then to see my own clients (not under another entity) and make a living for myself doing what I love to do, using EMDR therapy with clients, along with teaching, supervising, and publishing my writing.
Now I'm here with countless significant career achievements, and it's all too automatic and easy to overlook what I've accomplished. I remember thinking continually that if I had just gotten "there," my dreams would be fulfilled. Now that I've gotten "there," I barely hold these multiple and monumental achievements present anymore. It only took months after my doctorate posted for the craving mind not to appreciate it at all; it immediately goes to what's next to continue advancing in my career. I know I'm not the only one. If you're reading this, you're likely stuck in a similar pattern.
Hedonic Adaptation
This depressing phenomenon is a variation of hedonic adaptation: We get used to new accomplishments, sources of happiness (defined as "feeling good now"), and success, and, thus, our threshold for what makes us happy and feeling accomplished inexorably rises. We become increasingly dissatisfied even as our lives get increasingly better because the bar keeps on endlessly rising. This reinforces the false notion that we're never enough.
The good news is that hedonic adaptation is breakable. I think you know where I'm going: I can, need to, and would like to appreciate where I am a lot more. I bet you would too, and I know we can with some intentional and continuous effort. It is fundamental to happiness. It's too easy and automatic, especially in this competitive, striving world, to never be satisfied, to just want more and more.
Breaking the Cycle
I know now that as I continue to make even more money, publish more papers, and present professionally at more conferences, it may, repeatedly, feel like it's not enough either if I'm not careful. This post is about breaking this cycle of never feeling satisfied where I am (and where you are) and always wanting more by replacing it with fully taking in how far I've already come. This doesn't mean that I stop growing, learning, and achieving, but that each met milestone is celebrated fully, intentionally, and continuously. This way, instead of always focusing on the next pending achievement, I can want to be (a deep wanting with a passion) where I already am. This is a key to happiness and a life worth living; appreciating and living fully every moment like it really matters, because it does.
Contrary to what you may think, happiness is not about accomplishing and achieving more but about learning to appreciate and desire what you already have.
