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The New Year's Resolution That Will Make Your Relationship Better
This year, try making a joint resolution with your significant other.
Posted December 6, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- The number-one relationship issue that comes up in my sessions with clients is communication.
- Without good communication skills, an otherwise wonderful relationship can begin to break down.
- Listening, practicing mindfulness, and learning to take accountability for any mistakes are all ways to strengthen a relationship.
If you’re a habitual New Year’s resolution-maker, you’re probably familiar with how quickly they can fail. There’s no one holding you to your promise to keep your email inbox organized, and by January 15, your inbox is full of marketing emails and chain letters from that second cousin you met once five years ago, and you give up. This New Year’s, try something a little different. Instead of making a resolution just for you, try making a joint one with your significant other.
The number-one relationship issue that comes up in my sessions with clients is communication.
People feel as if they’re not being listened to, or they feel they can’t get their needs met by their partner. Because no two individuals are exactly alike, there is no possibility that you will perceive life the same way your partner does all the time or even much of the time. Those who pursue the dream of having a relationship that is always easy and conflict-free are doomed to disappointment.
Without good communication skills, an otherwise wonderful relationship can begin to break down. This New Year’s, resolve to communicate better with your significant other and ask them to resolve to communicate better with you. While a conflict-free relationship isn’t possible, you can learn to approach one another in a way that focuses on understanding where you both are coming from and caring about one another’s well-being in every situation.
It’s OK to pursue your own goals and desires, but if you genuinely care about your partner, you should be putting the same energy into helping them get what they need or want. And your partner should be doing the same for you.
To get started, here are four communication skills to practice together:
1. Use “I” statements.
This one you’ve heard a million times already, I’m sure. Using “I” statements is vital for communicating what you want, need, or feel without blaming, shaming, or otherwise putting your partner down. It sounds simple, but it takes a lot of practice, and you won’t get the hang of it right away. Keep trying because it really does work.
2. Learn to negotiate.
Limit your focus in a conflict to only what you can and will do to resolve the problem. You and your partner should reflect on the issue between you, take responsibility for your respective roles in it, and describe the steps both of you will take to resolve the conflict. Don’t point fingers or tell your partner what to do.
It’s the opposite of what we’re inclined to do, which is to get defensive and blame. Solving a problem together will generate mutual respect instead of anger.
3. Say you’re sorry.
Love is accepting responsibility when you’ve hurt your partner and saying you’re sorry over and over, if necessary. Putting yourself in your significant other’s shoes is a good first step.
We’ve all been on the other side of the apology, the one who received the emotional pain or disappointment. Most likely, we looked for an apology. Why? We needed to know that our partner acknowledged our pain and their role in causing it. Of course, an apology must be sincere, or it just makes the situation worse.
4. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is your most effective tool as you take on the challenge of remaking the way you communicate with your significant other. Mindful attitudes about yourself and your relationship will reduce the amount of hurt you cause, intentionally or not. When both parties in a relationship are listened to, heard, and treated with respect, both of you will be more inclined to communicate openly, apologize for recognized injustices, and be willing to do what it takes to correct course.
This is the beautiful by-product of empathy—when you understand how your partner feels, you feel remorseful when you cause them frustration or pain, and joy when you see them achieve their goals or get their needs met. This won’t happen if you aren’t listening to your own feelings, especially your anger, and if you’re not listening to your partner.
Good relationships don’t happen by accident. For most of us, achieving a happy, healthy relationship involves a big learning curve and a lot of hard work. In every relationship, your needs and objectives will sometimes conflict. But with communication skills, you’ll know how to interact with each other to resolve your differences in a respectful and empathetic way.
