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Key points
- It's important for parents to know how to manage their own anxiety before tackling it in their kids.
- Be curious and create an opportunity for your child to talk about their feelings.
- Validate your child's emotions and collaborate with them on ways to cope.
Back-to-school time can stimulate anxiety in kids and parents. There is a lot of pressure and expectation about starting a new school year. What can you do about this? How can you help your kids while managing your own anxiety and expectations?
First, keep in mind that anxiety about the start of school is normal. You are not alone in the stress of preparing your child for the new school year. But sometimes anxiety can feed on itself, growing and heightening as the first day of school approaches and impacting how we handle things. Recognizing and acknowledging your own anxiety is important because kids pick up on how parents or caregivers feel.
Self-compassion is key. Be kind to yourself, as you may end up stressing yourself in the whirlwind of meet-the-teacher, school supply buying, and schedule enforcing. Engage in self-care if you get overwhelmed. Take a break and do something that helps you unwind or relax. Your kids will notice you doing these things and begin to internalize and use similar coping strategies.
How can you help your child with their anxiety?
The first thing to do is to be curious about what they are anxious about. Even if they are excited about the upcoming school year, kids are often anxious about a variety of things prior to school starting. They worry about whether they will fit in or have friends, whether their teachers and classmates will be nice, how they will do academically, and how new aspects of school will impact them (e.g., starting a different school, changing classes for the first time).
Avoid assuming that you know what is causing your child to feel anxious. They can surprise us sometimes with what is on their mind. Some kids may not be able to put their anxiety into words right away and may need time. As they start to open up, validate their feelings in a nonjudgmental way. Then, you can help guide them with ways to cope with their anxiety.
Begin by giving your children opportunities to express their feelings about school starting. For example, you could say, “So summer’s wrapping up, and school’s about to start. How’s that sitting with you?” For some kids, especially younger ones, who have a hard time labeling their feelings, you may need to name feelings for them and check for accuracy. You could use language like, “Hey, buddy, you seem really nervous about school starting. Is that how you feel?”
When they express their feelings, validate their experience so they feel seen and heard. You could say, “I can see how starting with a new teacher can make you nervous. I’d feel the same way!”
Reading books about back-to-school or anxiety in general can also be a way to acknowledge that the return to school can feel scary or anxiety-provoking. Keep in mind that spending too much time talking about anxiety can actually reinforce the worries that children have, so balance time spent talking about it with other activities.
You can do a variety of things to help your child cope with their anxiety about the start of school. Kids, especially younger ones, tend to be more aware of the physical cues of anxiety rather than their worried thoughts. Targeting such signs with relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing while listening to calming stories or visualization exercises, can help reduce some of the jitters that they feel.
For children who are able to put their worries into words, strategies like scheduling time to talk about their worries, journaling about them, or creating a worry box can help them symbolically remove the worries from their mind. A worry box is a container in which kids place cards or slips of paper with their worries written or drawn on them. Revisit the worries once a day or every few days and discard any of the worries that are no longer present.
You can also help your kids to cope by working with them on prepping for school. Include them in readying school supplies, restarting a night-time routine, and/or creating a chart/checklist of things to do every morning.
Using distraction to shift the focus away from anxiety about starting school can also be helpful. Remember to incorporate some fun activities that are not school-related. After all, it is still summer!
Finally, remember to emphasize resilience. Rather than repeatedly reassuring your child that everything will be fine, remind them that even if things don’t go the way they expect, they have the capacity to problem-solve and be flexible.
What signals the need to get professional help?
When should school anxiety cause you concern? If you notice that your child remains anxious or worried about school weeks or months after school has begun, take a closer look at their other behaviors. Is nervousness or anxiety getting in the way of doing other things they enjoy? Are they waking up in the middle of the night or having a hard time falling asleep? Do they seem overly tired for no known reason? Is your child more tense, irritable, or jittery? Are they struggling to concentrate, or does their mind go blank when asked a question? If you are seeing a number of these signs, you might consider seeking professional help.
About the Authors
Sandy Soenning, Ph.D., and Felicia Wolf, Psy.D. are psychologists at The Menninger Clinic who work with children and adolescents.
