For a Happier New Year, Consider the Way You Think

“Happy New Year” and “Have a Good Day” have become the sort of polite phrases we use to grease the social skids without even thinking about what they mean. The assumption is that we wish the recipient well, but as the old saying goes, “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.” The reality is that a year is made up of the satisfaction we derive from each day, which in turn is a function of how we choose to think and behave. It doesn’t always seem that way when hassles or even tragedies occur, but psychologists have long known we can’t control what happens to us, only how we respond.

As the pandemic unfolded in 2020, we all faced this truth. Caught in the grip of an unknown, deadly virus, governments around the world struggled to control the spread, and in the process upended their economies, stretched health care systems to the brink, and limited social interactions in unprecedented ways. Staying safe became a constant effort, and rates of depression and anxiety shot up. Fortunately, things are no longer as dire. We don’t have shortages of ventilators, test swabs, and masks. The vaccines work, and medications like Paxlovid provide symptom relief if you get sick. But psychologically, we are still struggling. The virus, like a war, reminded us of our own mortality, and the limited control we have over our environment.

In disaster response terms, we are now in the disillusionment phase of a recovery effort. The acute threat has passed, but our world has changed and the way forward is unclear. Countless people lost jobs, businesses closed, and communities suffered during the lockdown. Many industries, including air travel, the hospitality sector, and retail stores, are still struggling. We have become accustomed to temporary shortages of items from baby formula to building supplies to electronic chips. The decision to travel or attend social events now involves contagion risk calculations, and schools, daycare centers, and workplaces are repeatedly faced with the threat of outbreaks that diminish their ability to function normally.

At a personal level, most of us have resumed a semblance of our former lives. Holiday travel was up this year and mask-wearing is down. But patience and tempers are strained, reports of incivility are on the rise, and many of us feel like we are simply waiting for the next crisis to emerge. Fortunately, we are not doomed to remain in this stage forever. Following a trauma or crisis, people typically experience distress, but post-traumatic growth can occur as well. Think of individuals who emerge from a bout of cancer determined to live a more meaningful life, or those who lose a loved one and resolve to work to reduce the chances of something similar happening to someone else.

Maybe instead of simply wishing for a happier new year, we need to put some real thought into how to make it a reality. Paradoxically, thinking of psychiatrist Aaron Beck’s “Cognitive Negative Triad” can help us do just that. Beck’s research indicated that people who are depressed tend to have a negative view of themselves, the world around them, and the future. His famous therapeutic approach, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), is based on the idea that we can learn to challenge and change such self-defeating thoughts with practice.

In terms of Covid disillusionment, this would entail paying attention to the way we view ourselves and our lives. Are we focusing on the unfair things that have happened to us, criticizing ourselves for not accomplishing more, or taking the blame for things we had little realistic chance of changing? Have we been approaching others with the assumption that they will disappoint or fail us? Are we obsessed with the variety of ways things could go wrong in the future? When we ruminate about the negative things in our past or think only about the bad things that could happen, we make ourselves miserable, and often waste a great deal of time worrying about things that never actually come to pass.

Challenging the negative triad doesn’t mean we dismiss or deny the impact of negative events. Losing a job, failing a test, or breaking up with a partner are all negative events that we need to process and grieve. But deciding that we are unhireable, assuming that one bad grade will ruin our future, or believing we have lost our only chance at romance are unlikely to make us feel better. What if, instead, we figure out what skills we need to acquire to be more competitive in the job market, develop better study habits, or focus on improving our communication skills? None of those approaches obviate negative events, but they enable us to move forward in new productive ways.

As each new year approaches, we find ourselves inundated with year-in-review programming and images of beautiful people celebrating with champagne and fireworks. However, for most of us, January 1 rarely looks different than December 31. We won’t be richer, more glamorous, or more popular than we were the day before, but we could think differently about where we are. Perhaps we could start the new year by celebrating one positive thing about ourselves, offering support or empathy to someone who is struggling, and taking one action to make the world a better place,

These don’t have to be heroic, flashy events. Maybe you could give yourself credit for the things you did to make the holidays bright for someone else, say something kind to a harried grocery clerk, or pick up some trash blowing on the side of the road. Each of those actions has the potential to make us feel more positive, improve our interactions with others, and make us feel more in control. Will bad things still happen in 2023? Absolutely, but if we learn to recognize and reject the Negative Triad, we could have more energy for coping with adversity and for creating a happier new year.