How to Manage Your Conflicted Feelings Better

If you’ve tried to change a behavior, you know that you often hear conflicting voices: I really need to lose weight. I’m not going to eat dessert anymore. It’s not that bad. You can’t lose weight anyway. Part of you wants to change, and another part doesn't.

How Can You Manage Your “Committee” Better?

Neuroscientists think that your nervous system has thousands of neural networks. One helps you write an email or does some other form of work-related behavior, while another neural network helps you talk on the phone. I call those diverse, ever-busy neural networks “the committee.” You don’t just have an id and a superego, with the ego in the middle, struggling to keep everything on track. Nor is there an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. But most people have many conflicting voices, and the conflicts can be exhausting.

I like to imagine a large, round conference table. On one side of the table, some member of the committee suggests dealing with a difficult email that you have been putting off for a while. On the other side of the table, other members of the committee start to object: Not quite yet. Give it some more thought. That’s too hard. Do something easier. Respond to some other, less problematic emails.

Unfortunately, having conflicting thoughts—“committee members” (neural networks) suggesting conflicting ideas—is the norm. How can we learn to better manage the conflicting neural modular networks, our committee?

Observe the Committee in Action

Observe what the committee members are saying. Some are helpful and only want you to blossom and thrive. Others are scared and confused and only want to take care of you in the short run. They just can’t seem to understand or remember that some ways of “taking care of you” backfire over time. They can’t seem to learn that. But you can learn to compassionately observe those parts of yourself and not respond as you have in the past. That is one reason why so many people have embraced mindfulness, especially compassionate mindfulness.

If you are feeling a little depressed, some members of your committee may encourage you to go sleep a little bit longer, even when another part knows that that would be a bad idea. If you are anxious, they may urge you to avoid what you were about to do and watch some YouTube or smoke a joint or have a drink instead. But that only contributes to more discomfort. Steve Hayes, the creator of acceptance and commitment therapy, calls this “experiential avoidance.”

You can listen and observe and learn how the various committee members argue. It will help to list on paper or a phone or computer all of the positive things about doing something that you would like to change—for example, how much you procrastinate or losing your temper. Then list all the not-so-good things about procrastinating or losing your temper. Putting your thoughts on paper will allow you to think about them. Which reasons take your long-term goals and values into account? Which don’t? Trying to do it all in your head will probably not work very well.

Doing this exercise once a week for a few weeks can help you observe what you’re thinking and how the conflicting thoughts—for and against—are affecting how you feel and behave.

Don’t Demonize or Exorcise Any Members of Your Committee

Maybe, like most humans, you are behaving or have behaved in ways that you don’t like. Some committee members may continue to urge you to repeat the behavior: Just watch one more video. Just have a drink. What should you do about those voices? Some people find labeling them—“the lizard,” “the salesman”—and arguing with them in a sharp, aggressive manner helps keep such voices at bay.

But attacking a part of yourself may backfire. You may get angrier and more hateful of that part of yourself, increasing the likelihood that you will get a bad case of the “f*ck its” and behave badly again.

A better strategy may be to accept that you have certain parts of you—perhaps because of genetics or adverse childhood experiences—that you simply do not understand. What those committee members are advocating do not work over time, and those committee members don’t get that fact and probably never will. You do not have to demonize or exorcise them. You can accept parts of you that are there from your past and gently, compassionately stop responding to them.

Dr. Elyn Saks, a MacArthur Award winner and a Stanford University professor, has learned to manage her schizophrenia. She speaks gently and compassionately to the voices and “people” who show up some mornings. She tells them, “I know you are anxious and scared. But I have taken care of you in the past, and I will do the same thing today.” You may want to treat your committee member voices in a similar, gentle manner.

Neuroscience Essential Reads

How Your Brain Recognizes Emotion Through Brain Circuitry

In the “I” of the Beholder: How Art Speaks to an Individual

Who Runs the Committee? Your Higher Self, Self of Selves, or Wise Mind?

The individual members of your committee don’t represent you. You’re not defined by any single voice or group voice. After more than 50 years of research and thousands of PET (positron emission tomography) scans and fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) pictures, there’s still no evidence of a central control operator (what people in medieval times called a “homunculus”) hidden somewhere in your brain. There is clear evidence that the front part of your brain (under your forehead) is always active when you’re making decisions, but no one part always lights up when another part lights up as we read or think about a problem or imagine going on a vacation.

For those more spiritually inclined, what might be called the "self of selves" isn’t located in the brain. In fact, no picture will ever capture it.

Get better at listening to and hearing your “self of selves,” “higher self,” “spiritual self,” “wise mind,” “intuition,” or whatever you like to call it. It helps to consistently clarify what you value, what is important to you in your life, and what you would like to have done. They may not be grand things. You may simply want to have learned to cook a new dish or have solved a problem at work.

Some people pray for God’s help. Some people walk or jog to think more clearly. Some people meditate. Whatever method works for you, you can be sure of one thing: Becoming more aware of what is going on in your committee will help you ultimately quiet some of the exhausting conflict.

This post is an adapted excerpt from my book, Am I Addicted?: 64 Questions and Answers to Help You Change an Addictive or Semi-Addictive Behavior.