Five Things to Consider Before Choosing a Spouse

The divorce rate for first marriages has dropped in recent years: from 9.7 per 1,000 women in 2011 to 6.9 in 2021. This is in part because the marriage rates have dropped as well: younger people have been marrying later or never marrying — 16.3 marriages per 1,000 women in 2011 to 14.9 in 2021 (Washington and Anderson, 2023). But the reasons for the demise of marriage in the professional literature remain the same: communication difficulties, financial troubles, sexual incompatibility, infidelity, and physical and emotional abuse, to name a few (Warren, 2023).

I, however, have found — and I have stated this many times — that the leading cause of divorce is marriage. And while some might find this humorous, it is true that who we choose to marry is the biggest culprit in marital deterioration. If we choose poorly at the outset, a divorce is almost inevitable and in the 45 years I have been doing couples therapy this seems to be the case. It would therefore be more useful to address the ways in which we can avoid making such a cataclysmic mistake, one that will cause great pain, cost countless dollars, and leave an emotional scar on a family for generations.

1. Responsibility – Choosing a mate who can accept responsibility for their contribution to any relationship difficulty is vital. Most couples who report for treatment blame each other for their relationship difficulties when it almost always takes two people to bring a relationship down. But some people are so sensitive or defended that they simply cannot own their issues. In the dating phase, I would recommend that you notice if your partner is owning responsibility or simply blaming others. Some people are locked into a victim-like stance and accepting responsibility makes them feel too vulnerable. Being married to someone like this can be very frustrating because to do so without drama will mean you must give in or shy away from any disagreements to keep the peace.
2. Openness – The truth can certainly hurt but being blindsided will hurt worse. Some people detest confrontation, and you may never know how they feel about something until they strike back, which could take years. Choose someone who tells it like it is and you may rest assured when this individual is upset about something you will find out in a timely fashion. One word of caution: You must be able to embrace this kind of openness, or you may enable your partner to go underground.
3. Honesty – This concept is related to openness but certainly not the same. Some people lie or omit the truth, it is a way of life usually passed down from the family of origin. I have found that some partners routinely lie to each other needlessly, but it is almost reflexive for them. You can bet, however, that if your prospective partner lies about the little things, they will lie about the big ones as well.
4. Attraction – I have written extensively on the importance of attraction. And I cannot stress it enough. Be honest with yourself. If you are not physically and emotionally attracted to your partner, you will set the stage for future affairs and divorce. Some people cannot say no and give in to the pressure to marry. Others are simply too afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Consider how painful it will be if you leave years after building a life together.
5. Insight – Does your prospective partner have any insight into themselves? Can they tell you what patterns were replicated over the years? Without insight, people tend to make the same mistakes over and over and you do not need to be anyone’s live research project while they are trying to find themselves. It will also help to question yourself: Which parent is my partner most like? If, for example, your partner is like your mother who you have had lifelong difficulties, you may be entering into the same troublesome dynamic as an adult.

I know there is more to take into consideration when marrying such as matching values, religion, desire for children, and educational and socioeconomic status. But the reasons I have listed tend to be those that are often overlooked to the detriment of a long-term relationship.