The Truth About Infidelity, From Almost 100,000 People

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Infidelity is a common phenomenon that has been present in human relationships since time immemorial. Negative consequences arise from infidelity, such as the dissolution of marital bonds and significant psychological distress, which have been extensively documented in numerous empirical studies. These studies consistently highlight the profound impact infidelity can have on both individuals and relationships, including heightened emotional turmoil and potential for subsequent relationship trust issues. Yet despite these outcomes, its incidence remains prevalent across different cultures, ages, and genders.

Recent studies on infidelity have yielded insights into the motives of those engaging in infidelity. Our own work used data from an online quiz completed by 94,943 individuals (66.1 percent women, 33.9 percent men) on the now-defunct The Truth About Deception website. Here, I explore the findings of this quiz, focusing on the responses of men and women about personal experiences with infidelity, motivations, and outcomes. Our analysis provides new insights into the prevalence and characteristics of infidelity.

The Survey of 94,943 People

This quiz was anonymous, and the website only collected very little data, so our analysis was quite limited. It is also important to note that the quiz data were from individuals who came to the website and decided to voluntarily complete a survey on their experiences with infidelity. We must keep in mind that they represent those who found the site and were motivated to provide answers.

Still, the results revealed some interesting insights into the dynamics of infidelity. One of the main findings is that women were more likely than men to engage in emotional affairs, cybersex, and online sources of infidelity. Additionally, women were more likely than men to become involved in infidelity when there were problems in the relationship or if they felt bored with their sex life, and to consider leaving their spouse because of their infidelity. They were also more likely to engage in infidelity with someone their spouse knew.

In contrast, men were more likely than women to engage in sexual infidelity, and to do so more than once.

Outcomes of Infidelity

Apart from personal experiences with infidelity and motivations, the quiz also explored the outcomes of infidelity. The findings show that most individuals confessed independently (56.8 percent), while others were caught by their partner (21.5 percent), or confessed when accused (8.3 percent). Some people were accidentally discovered (8 percent) or had third-party others inform their spouse of the infidelity (4.5 percent).

The study's results provide an important insight into the dynamics of the consequences of infidelity. These findings suggest that the majority of individuals are willing to confess voluntarily, indicating a level of remorse, a desire to clear one’s conscience, and possibly a desire to repair the damage inflicted by the infidelity.

Evolutionary Perspectives

We used an evolutionary psychological perspective to analyze this work. We proposed that these findings can be explained by the different sex-specific challenges faced by humans over evolutionary time.

Emotional affairs can lead to the diversion of time, energy, and other resources from their primary partner, which may have historically been more problematic for women than men. Over evolutionary history, women have relied on men (assuming a heterosexual union) for protection, resources, and to help with raising children. Thus, women are often found to be more distressed at imagining their partner involved in an emotional relationship than a purely sexual one.

Further, women may face threats to their social and material support systems when their partner engages in infidelity, leading to more considerable risks to them and their children. In contrast, men are argued to be more concerned with sexual as opposed to emotional infidelity, given that they may end up investing in children who they do not know are unrelated to them biologically.

Context of Past Findings

Our findings align with results from past work. For example, Selterman and associates (2021) reported that emotionality is a key part of infidelity for most people, and this issue is very important for women. In their work on motivation for infidelity, they found women tended toward longer affairs and engaged with those they had known previously, whereas men took part in infidelity more with women they knew casually.

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Our findings show a similar pattern: Women were more likely to have an emotional affair, become involved with someone their partner knows, and consider ending their primary relationship due to the infidelity. Other studies show that women engage in infidelity because of weariness and frustration within their relationships, out of feeling neglected, or may search for alternative partners out of curiosity or boredom (Roman, 2020; Selterman et al., 2019). Further, past work shows that men are 1.75 times more likely to report infidelity with a casual date (Labrecque & Whisman, 2017) than women, perhaps because women’s concerns about personal safety are a significant motivation.

By understanding the different challenges faced by men and women over evolutionary time, we can gain deeper insights into the dynamics of infidelity. The study underscores the importance of open communication, honesty, and a commitment to maintaining fidelity in promoting healthy and lasting relationships.

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