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What I'm going to say in this post may sound too blunt. It is the sort of post that tempts me to start out by apologizing. Not gonna happen. If people post online in ways that disparage single people (even if unintentionally) or perpetuate myths about them, then, in my opinion, they deserve to be called out. This is especially so if they are in a position of power over people who come to them for help.
Therapists should not practice singlism. If particular therapists cannot fathom single life as a truly fulfilling and desirable life for some people, then they should turn in their badges.
I'm a research psychologist, not a clinician. I have no training in the practice of psychotherapy. So what I'm saying is simply my understanding and my point of view. I think that therapists should be skilled at guiding clients to live their best life, the life that is most meaningful to them. If certain therapists don't recognize that single life can be meaningful and rewarding - if not for themselves, at least for others - then I don't think they can do their job fairly or effectively.
The inability to conceive of single life as a real choice, a first choice and not something you just settle for, does not just undermine psychotherapy with people who are single and may want to stay that way. It also undercuts the effectiveness of treatment of people who are, or want to be, coupled. Living coupled is only a choice if living single is, too. Otherwise, coupling is compulsory.
To that preamble, let me also add that the examples I will cite are hardly the most egregious imaginable. There are even some important points that were made along the way by the blogger I'm critiquing. But therapists can be people of great significance in the lives of their clients - who, by the way, can read their posts online. So, I think that therapists should be held to even higher standards than others.
The Comment that Seeded the Storm
Recently, I wrote a post called, "What's the best thing about being single?" In response, a fellow blogger wrote this in the Comments section:
Just as you can't tickle yourself, you're not likely to laugh out loud when you're home alone. Being single is a lot like being home alone.
I was once between wives for about six minutes. I didn't like it at all.
Now I'm going to say something else that I usually try not to say, because I don't like it when people use emotions as put-downs. When I read that comment, I thought to myself, "That is so sad." Imagine not being able to laugh out loud unless there is another person in the same room.
At first, I did not mind his remark about disliking single life. It's not for everyone. But then I read his later post and discovered that he had led a psychotherapy group in a discussion of single life. If I were a client of this therapist and read his comment online - both the part about not liking single life at all, and not being able to laugh out loud when home alone - I'd look for another therapist. It is not just that he doesn't like being single himself (though as a therapist, he should not, in my opinion, post his distaste of single life online); he also doesn't get it about what it means to live single and feel happy and fulfilled and not at all alone.
In a later comment, he said that in his initial comment, he was looking for validation. Read that comment (above) again. I don't see a quest for validation. I hear misperceptions of single life and disparagements, too. Even if unintentional, that's not appropriate from a professional helper. He should seek validation elsewhere, out of the public domain.
He then wrote his own post (more on that later), and continued the discussion in the comments section. Responding to a reader's observation, he said this:
I agree it's better to be single than married to the wrong person. I also agree that finding the right person isn't easy. But it seems to me that there must be at least a few individuals out there who - even after having found the perfect one - prefer being alone. What I wonder about is:
A) their percent of the population and
B) what they find so attractive about a life apart.Is there anyone out there who, presented with the perfect soul mate, would walk away? Why?
Look at the first paragraph of that comment. He is trying to say that he DOES believe that at least a few people really do want to be single. But look how he puts it. Single people, in his mind, are people who "prefer being alone." Then look at his option B; there he reveals that, in his mind, what single people are finding attractive is "a life apart."
Some single people do prefer being alone. (Some married people do, too, but do not live that way.) Some are also fond of "a life apart." I, for example, prefer a life apart from cockroaches and snakes. I am not, though, trying to live a life apart from other people.
What's wrong about the blogger's statements is the assumption that the typical single person is alone and apart. First, most single people do NOT live alone (as I detailed in this post). Moreover, those who do live alone are usually not living apart from other people emotionally or interpersonally. Many single people have close friends and whole networks of people who are important to them. (See, for example, the post titled, "The fragile spouse and the resilient single person.")
Now think again about the last line of the comment above: "Is there anyone out there who, presented with the perfect soul mate, would walk away? Why?" This is the question of someone who can understand your single status if you are searching for your "perfect soul mate," but seems nonplussed by the possibility that you are single because you want to be. And if you are such a person, then in his mind, you must be living alone and apart. (By the way, should a psychotherapist be using the language of "perfect soul mates"?)
Doesn't Everyone Want to be Coupled? A Fact-Based Interlude
One of the most pervasive misperceptions about single people is that what they want, more than anything else, is to be married. Yet, when a national sample was asked, as part of the Shriver Report, what was most important to them, Americans ranked marriage last in a list of 7 possibilities, behind health, self-sufficiency, financial security, a fulfilling job, religious faith, and children.
Still, many people may want to be coupled without also wanting to be married. Do most singles fit into that category? A national survey conducted by the Pew Project covered that. Single, divorced, and widowed Americans were asked whether they were already in a committed relationship, and whether they were looking for a partner. The biggest subgroup - 55 percent - said that they were not in a committed relationship AND that they were not looking for a partner. (I described more of the details in Singled Out.)
The Question No Single Person Should Have to Answer: "So How Come You're Single?"
The blogger who believes that living single means being home alone, as unlikely to laugh out loud as to self-tickle, later wrote a post with the title, "So how come you're single?" As I explained in more detail in this previous post, the question is offensive. It suggests that if you are single, you have something to explain. Rarely is a comparable question posed, "So how come you're married?"
This has to stop. If single people want to discuss why they are single (or married people, why they are married), let them take the lead. Otherwise, talk about something else. Your question is just showing your own prejudice (singlism, to be exact) and cluelessness.
The "how come you're single" post is about the blogger's experience subbing as the leader of a psychotherapy group. The topic of the discussion was "living life as a long-time single." His first question to the members of the group was whether they would willingly trade being single for being coupled. He was "blown away" when they all indicated that they wanted to switch to being coupled.
I think one of the reasons he was so surprised is that he viewed the group as "fairly representative" on the grounds that there were roughly equal numbers of men and women and a range of ages. Those characteristics do not make the sample representative of all singles. People who gather representative samples, such as Pew researchers, are looking for representativeness along major categories such as race, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic status, geography, and so forth. The group that gathered that evening was probably not even representative of all of the people who had ever been invited to the meeting.
The point is important because in calling the group "fairly representative," the blogger is implying - or at least can be taken to imply - that any other "fairly representative" group would also be unanimous in declaring their wish to become unsingle. It is a way of perpetuating (probably unintentionally) the myth that what single people want, more than anything else, is to be coupled.
The blogger was surprised by the unanimity, he said, because he "had always assumed there were people out there who really liked being alone; content with a few friends, a library card and maybe a cat..." There he is again, repeating his belief that single people are alone. And, as Alan noted in the comments section of this post, he's also tossing in the cat stereotype.
What I want explore here, though, is what the blogger said next: "I had always assumed people unhappy with their lot would try to make a change even if it meant, horror of horrors, giving up a few of their ideals." His question is, if these people want to be coupled, then why aren't they trying harder? Why don't they give up on perfection and "go for the least objectionable option"? This could be another version of telling singles to stop being so picky and just settle. I'm not sure that's what he is implying, though, because one of the lessons he lists in the conclusion of his post is this one: "No one person can or should be expected to fill all your needs forever." I agree with that, and I think it is a wise observation.
There's a different reason I brought up the blogger's befuddlement over the fact that the people in his group, who said they wanted to be coupled, didn't seem to be trying very hard to make that happen. I think there's a possibility he did not recognize. Maybe there were some people in that group who really were not all that eager to be coupled, but didn't want to say so. Maybe they were not ready to admit it even to themselves.
Consider that they are in a matrimaniacal society in which it is just assumed that everyone wants to be coupled. They are in a group led by a man who says about himself, "I was once between wives for about six minutes. I didn't like it at all." I doubt he said that out loud to the group members, but maybe he didn't have to. Readers of this Living Single blog got a sense, just from his first four-sentence comment (shown above) to a previous post, what he thinks about people who are single.
Now add to all that a scene in which the first few hands are going up (the fellow group members indicating that they want to be coupled), and what are you going to do? You raise your hand, too.
I could be wrong, of course. Maybe everyone in that group really and truly wanted to be coupled. My point is that we can't really know that. There is hardly any space in our cultural conversations for people who like their single lives. It doesn't sound as if there was much space for such a perspective in that therapy group. So I'll say this one more time: Until single life is more widely recognized and respected as a potentially full and meaningful life, then getting coupled is not a choice - it's mandatory. I don't think therapy should be about steering people into conventional, unquestioned, unanalyzed boxes. Let them consider real alternatives. If they then decide on coupling, I bet they'll be more successful at it.
Finally, the blogger indicated in the opening paragraph of his post that he would like to learn more about single life. Previously, in response to a request from a professional writing a textbook on counseling, I asked Living Single readers to respond to the question, "What do you wish that counselors, therapists, and all the other mental health professionals realized about single life?" He might want to check out the comments section. My follow-up post on the same topic is here.
