How to Deal With Children’s Questions About Parents’ Divorce

Source: OpenClipart-Vectors / Pixabay

Divorce creates psychological, academic, and behavioral problems in children. (2002, Hetherington & Kelly). Even in a “good divorce,” Amato, Kane & James (2011) found, children still suffer. A “good divorce” is a cooperative parenting style that has children faring as well psychologically, behaviorally, and academically after divorce as they did before the divorce, finds Ahrons (1994).

We know the advice: Don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse in front of your children. For many, doing so is their emotional release of hostility or hurt stemming from the marriage breakup. But what of children who want to vent their own hurt, hostility, or sadness over their parents’ break-up or divorce? How can parents help children manage this?

Children’s Questions and Comments

Children may have many questions and observations about their parents’ divorce:

Will Dad/Mom still love me?

Why don’t you love Daddy/Mommy anymore?

What happened? I never saw you two argue.

Did you make Dad/Mom mad? Is that why she/he left?

I’m glad you divorced. Mom was mean to me. Now I can live with you.

I must have caused your divorce because you were happy before you had me.

Dad made me nervous. I don’t have to be nervous anymore now that I live with you.

To heal from the upset of parents living apart, a likely change in residence and school, and perhaps economic changes in the new households, there are several ways parents can help children manage. Talk with and listen to them.

Source: Marcela / Pixabay

Suggestions for Dealing With Children’s Questions and Observations About Parents’ Divorce

1. Keep yourself and your emotions out of the time spent with children to discuss their emotions, observations, and wishes. If children ask how you feel about the divorce, then share with them your emotional reactions.
2. Listen to them. Let them vent their emotions and thoughts. They likely will be as confused as you are, perhaps more so.
3. Reinforce when they are seeing their parents clearly. If they say one parent scared them or was mean to them, and it was the case, tell them their view is accurate; Mom or Dad did behave that way.
4. Don’t sugarcoat the other parent. Don’t tell children that a parent meant well when he/she caused the child to be upset or mistreated them. Share your feelings with children about their voicing emotions, observations, and opinions regarding how the other parent treats or treated them. This is especially true if the way you are treated by your ex-spouse is similar to the way that parent relates to one child or to several children in the family. This is not the same as you bad-mouthing your ex. This is allowing your children to have their say-so and share their opinions and emotions about how they see situations with their parents. This includes listening to your child criticize one or both parents.
5. Ask your children what would help them the most now that you’re divorced. What do they want/need? What have you as a parent overlooked?
6. Urge your children to speak directly with both parents and convey their feelings and points of view, especially to the parent who may have let them down or disappointed them.

Children may bottle up their feelings because of one or both parents’ drama and emotions that predominate during divorce. Children may get lost by suppressing emotions as they defer to warring parents. A parent's job is to listen to what questions, observations, and viewpoints they have and how they feel about the divorce.