People Who Give Too Much

People who are overly altruistic to others have many labels. Toxic generosity, irrational generosity, pathological altruism, over-giving and people-pleasing are a few of these.

Such people go beyond being generous givers and become excessive in their giving to others. Altruism is deeply rooted in Western cultures. But it also has a dark side.

Such overboard giving is detrimental to the giver because it results in neglect of one’s own needs. Excessive giving is harmful to the recipient because it fulfills needs the recipient can and should fulfill for himself.

Let’s examine how to identify such people and some of the pitfalls of over-giving.

Assuming Too Much Responsibility

Toxically generous people are the ones who take on too many projects both at home and at work. They attempt to do the work of two or three people. They will explain they feel responsible for work that is not even in their province, work that should fall to others. Brent Turvey discusses the many motivations for such over-giving.

Exhaustion

Over-givers quickly experience excessive fatigue and exhaustion from trying to keep too many “helpful” projects going for others for too long. This can lead to heightened stress and many psychological difficulties, substance abuse and chronic sleep difficulties among them.

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Perfectionism and Guilt

People who give too much tend to have a perfectionistic streak, say Martin and Adams. They want to dispense care to others “perfectly.” Since this is impossible, they run a tab of psychological guilt when they feel they have fallen short in delivering perfection to others according to their high standards. They experience self-recrimination and feel apologetic they did not get the giving perfectly right.

Temporary Good Feelings and Admiration from Others

With irrational generosity people at first get a boost in self-esteem and feel good about themselves for being so helpful to others. In addition, they hope they will be appreciated, admired or loved by others for being so generous.

Poor Self Care

Another characteristic, find Martin and Adams, is the imbalance between care given to others and care given to oneself. People who over-give are lousy at taking care of their own needs––comfort, health, relaxation, vacations, sleep, exercise. They expertly tend to these same needs for others, but have a double standard of neglect toward themselves.

Avoiding Dependency

People-pleasers do not like to be dependent on others to give them assistance or care. They only like to dispense care to others. There is little balance of give and take in their relationships. As a result, they seek out thankless relationships where others receive their emotional care and give nothing in return, Martin and Adams discovered. Often, they will remain committed to “dead” relationships, where no nurturance has been forthcoming for a long time. They may be prone to victimization by others find Oakley, Knafo and McGrath (2012).

Focus On Problem Control

What do toxically generous people focus on with their excessive giving? Martin and Adams discovered they are magnets for controlling problems that other people have or encounter–– relationship strife, how to meet work deadlines, even how to do another’s laundry, pay their rent, or load their pantry with groceries.

Struggles with Low Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is only briefly elevated when supplying others with excessive help. Over-givers characteristically lack self-esteem and confidence about certain aspects of themselves such as giving themselves care, valuing their desires and needs, and having confidence in decisions that benefit themselves.

Increased Mortality Risk

Chen et al. studied mortality risk in over-givers and in those having more balanced give and take in relationships. Those who over-give fare worse with higher mortality from all causes. Pathological giving is hazardous to survival when compared with those people having more balanced reciprocity in their relationships.

Altruism Essential Reads

Want to Be Happy? Help Other People

How to Foster the Value of Generosity in Your Children

Early Learning

Roth (2008) and Knafo (2006) discovered that traits of pathological altruism get an early start in life beginning in the preschool years. Preschool children show high scores in prosocial behaviors and low conduct difficulties like tantrums and being aggressive to others. These young children also display emotional symptoms of nervousness, worries and anxiety, found Oakley, Knafo and McGrath.

Psychological and Psychiatric Disorders

David Brin discusses how some addictions arise from pathological altruism––substance abuse, gambling and “dogmatic self-righteousness.”

Personality difficulties come about from giving too much because pathological givers have an inflexibility in the ways they enact their relationships. Martin and Adams refer to this as an omnipotent personality style, with an unconscious belief in being all powerful and able to satisfy needy others. This makes them prone to exploitation by others in relationships.

Rachel Bachner-Melman finds some eating disorders arise from the extreme self-sacrifice manifest in giving too much care to others. Such people cater to others needs while starving themselves.