Note to Self: Compassion, Not Criticism

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I’ve heard it from music performers of all kinds, from highly trained classical musicians to the regular singers at my small town bar’s karaoke night: “I’m my own worst critic,” they’ll tell me as they ignore a compliment I just paid them on their performance. They may start with a “Thanks, but” before they then express their own dissatisfaction with the performance they just gave and quickly move on to explain (usually somewhat boastfully) that they are their own worst critic.

Being hypercritical of yourself—and then telling others about it—amounts to a very peculiar form of perfectionism crossed with virtue signaling. Seemingly, by using “own worst critic” language, musicians aim to convince those around them that they are, in fact, better performers than their actual performances show. There's an aspect of perfectionism wrapped up in this, which is, after all, an irrational (and psychologically harmful) perspective to take. And the virtue signaling is seen in the desire to gain credit in the eyes of others for being such a driven and exacting musician, since they cannot be credited for giving a perfect performance.

Of course, many musicians who adopt the “own worst critic” mentality do not do it only to save face with others. They truly believe that even though perfection may not be attainable, by chasing perfection, they propel themselves to excellence. As I have addressed previously on this blog, the field of psychology refutes this notion and instead has identified serious mental health dangers associated with perfectionism.

What, then, is the better alternative to self-criticism for pushing oneself forward in their quest for musical excellence? A growing body of psychological research indicates that self-compassion is a key trait that high achievers are empowered by. This is a point made wonderfully in a back episode of my favorite podcast The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. In the episode “Dump Your Inner Drill Sergeant,” researcher Kristin Neff shares the great power of self-compassion (Dilley, 2021). Especially in a world where so many outcomes in life are not entirely within one's own control, faulting yourself for not accomplishing enough at any given time does not help if you desire to grow and improve. To our psyche, criticizing ourselves for not accomplishing enough can feel like not being enough. It is not motivating. Self-criticism can be deflating and counterproductive in the long run. As Dr. Neff says pointedly in the podcast, “it inhibits your ability to make productive change”

Indeed, there are especially compelling findings from research that has looked at people who apply self-compassion after experiencing a failure of some kind. People who use self-compassion after a bad performance are more motivated to try again, to work harder and longer as they go forward into the future, and just generally show more determination and grit. Note this, musicians: all these things are antithetical to feeling stuck, defeated, and wanting to give up. And yes, greater motivation, persistence, and determination are products of self-compassion and not self-criticism.

It is also interesting to note that deciding to boost your self-compassion is a better option than trying to boost your self-esteem (Neff, 2011). Boasting self-esteem is no short term project. To change how you feel about yourself, you really need to change yourself substantially. Doing that is no quick trick. People who look for an immediate means of feeling better about themselves, often turn to disparaging others (to make themselves look better in comparison), which can lead to interpersonal strife...or outright bullying. A more productive approach is to decide to boost your self-compassion, which simply means acknowledging that you are human and therefore, you can make mistakes and have setbacks, but also learn from these negative experiences, and grow and improve as a result.

Another great thing about this approach is that compassion is usually something we are already very familiar with, although perhaps not toward ourselves. Most of us intuitively know how to encourage a friend who is down and can help someone in need. Being compassionate may actually be naturally human, even more so than being competitive. Interestingly, Charles Darwin often has been associated with the idea of “survival of the fittest,” a philosophy that many ultra-critical performers seem to enthusiastically adopt. In fact, though, Darwin referred to compassion/sympathy as “the almost ever-present instinct” of the human species (Darwin, 1874, p. 113).

It may be very difficult for some musicians to accept self-compassion as a performer's strength rather than a weakness. Unfortunately, the formative years of some musicians included many learning and performance activities that were steeped in constant criticism as a driving force. Those who persisted through such circumstances may actually credit their musicianship to such negative conditions. Now as accomplished musical artists, they may have come to believe that the threat of failure and the stresses of professional expectations are “necessary evils” that produce growth. They may even rest upon folk wisdom/clichés like “diamonds are only formed under extreme pressure” or “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” In reality, however, psychological stressors often produce more generalized anxiety, which, in the case of musicians, make them more susceptible to debilitating stage fright while performing.

Recent research suggests that self-compassion is a promising approach for musicians trying to stave off performance anxiety. In a study of university music majors in the U.S., Farley & Kelley (2023) found a strong inverse relationship between self-compassion use and the incidence of performance anxiety. From their findings, these researchers concluded that “an intervention focused on positive self-talk to bolster self-kindness may help reduce the negative effects of MPA in musicians” (p. 1283). This study was the first to firmly establish the relationship between music performance anxiety and self-compassion (i.e., the lack thereof), although previous research had pointed to such an association (Kelley & Farley, 2019; Sigurðardóttir, 2020).