3 Red Flags of a Declining Relationship

In their dimly lit apartment, Emma and David sat at opposite ends of the couch, worlds apart despite the scant inches between them. Resentment brewed within Emma, simmering with every word left unspoken. David's eyes, once filled with adoration, now harbored only contempt, silently accusing her of every misstep.

Their interactions had devolved into a dance of avoidance, each step a careful sidestep around the landmines of their shared history. Conversations were reduced to perfunctory exchanges, devoid of warmth or meaning.

In the stillness of the night, their thoughts echoed louder than any words spoken. They felt trapped in the web of the declining quality of their relationship, suffocating under the weight of unspoken grievances. Love, once the cornerstone of their bond, now lay shattered, buried beneath layers of resentment and contempt, leaving only the hollow shell of what once was.

Does their story sound familiar?

If you find yourself enduring the struggles of relationship decline, you might sense an emotional void, a lack of fulfillment. The following signs below can serve as guideposts to help you discern whether you're entangled in such a relationship and how you can navigate toward a more enriching daily life.

Rigid Resentment

Healthy relationships weather occasional misunderstandings and wounds, resolving them through communication. In contrast, an inability to address and manage resentments often signifies relationship despair.

In unhealthy dynamics, partners frequently resurrect old grievances, clinging to grudges that fuel a cycle of distraction, distance, and disconnection. I observed this pattern when researching my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind? It manifests as the "Three D Effect," in which rigid resentments escalate into a wave of negative emotions, propelling partners down a destructive path. Unfortunately, this often culminates in wrecked relationships.

Some common resentments that can fester and turn problematic include:

• Communication Issues. Feeling unheard, misunderstood, or dismissed can lead to resentment.
• Unresolved Conflicts. Lingering issues that haven't been adequately addressed can fester and breed resentment.
• Emotional Neglect. Feeling emotionally neglected or unsupported by one's partner can create resentment over time.
• Power Imbalance. Perceiving an imbalance of power or control in the relationship can lead to resentment.
• Financial Disagreements. Differences in spending habits, financial priorities, or earning disparities can lead to resentment.
• Infidelity or Betrayal. The discovery of infidelity or betrayal can lead to deep-seated resentment and trust issues.
• Unequal Division of Labor. Feeling like one partner carries more of the household responsibilities or burdens can lead to resentment.

Now let's look at caustic contempt, another significant harbinger of unhealthy relationships.

Caustic Contempt

Relationship researcher John Gottman highlights criticism and contempt as profoundly corrosive elements in loving connections. These problematic behaviors might manifest as derisive remarks or public humiliation, eroding self-esteem and poisoning emotional well-being.

For instance, one of my clients endured her husband's criticism of her spending habits by retaliating with attacks on his sexual prowess—an upsetting cycle that wreaked havoc on their relationship.

Here are examples of what partners may contemptuously say to one another:

• You're screwing things up, just like you always do.
• You're such a failure, I can't believe I ended up with you.
• You're pathetic, you can't even handle the simplest tasks.
• I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, you're such a joke.
• You're so stupid, I swear I'm constantly amazed by your ignorance.
• You never do anything right, it's like you're incapable of learning.
• You're so lazy, I have to do everything around here while you sit on your ass.
• You're just like your [father/mother], I can't stand it.

Desperate Avoidance

Do you find yourself subjected to erratic behavior, alternating between affection and aloofness? Does your partner's silent treatment leave you adrift in a sea of confusion and despair? Avoidance, whether through chilly indifference or withholding affection, is a passive-aggressive manifestation of unhealthy communication that intensifies over time.

Avoidance in romantic relationships can be incredibly damaging as it creates a disconnect between partners and stifles open communication. When one or both partners consistently avoid addressing issues or expressing their feelings, resentment can build, leading to a breakdown in trust and intimacy. Avoidance can manifest in various forms, such as avoiding difficult conversations, withholding affection, or withdrawing emotionally.

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Final Thoughts

Over time, resentment, contempt, and avoidance erode the foundation of the relationship, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied and disconnected. Just as happened to Emma and David, without confronting and resolving issues, a relationship may stagnate or ultimately come to an end.

Please consider relationship counseling if you would like to work on improving the quality of your relationship. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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