Negotiation Battle of the Sexes

Source: MediaPhotos/IStock

Years ago, the question of male versus female negotiating styles would have seemed moot as women weren’t in the business world in significant numbers. Their negotiation methods seemed an unnecessary consideration. Today, however, women are making constant strides forward in boardrooms across the globe and on the world stage. There’s also increasing awareness that life is a negotiation and those who don’t learn the art lose out. And so, tackling misconceptions about abilities based on gender is critical and long overdue.

One such misconception is the long-held belief that women can’t negotiate well. Or that women negotiate well only if they negotiate "like a man." Sadly, both men and women suffer from this mass delusion.

Where does the belief come from? The answer is complicated, but in part it arises from deeply conditioned societal definitions of success based almost exclusively on masculine, competitive models. These definitions create limiting beliefs that are passed from generation to generation, cemented in cell memory, and hold women back. Tied to that, the erroneous belief that women don’t make good negotiators can be traced back to long-held perceptions that women are incapable of being assertive (as assertiveness was traditionally viewed as a masculine quality).

Touching on that misconception first, studies of female lawyers and law students have found female negotiators to be just as competitive as their male counterparts. From that, it has been suggested that perhaps women are (or can be) assertive and, accordingly, good negotiators. However, determining that both men and women are capable of assertiveness miss es an important point: Assertiveness is not the sole skill needed for being an effective negotiator.

In fact, one of the core foundations of negotiation is captured in the A.R.E. F.I.T. model—a simple mnemonic that identifies the key skills that make and mark the most effective negotiators:

• Assertiveness
• Rapport-building
• Empathy
• Flexibility
• Intuition
• Trustworthiness

Effective negotiators use all of these skills. While they are not necessarily gender-based, studies suggest that five out of six of the skills are typically considered feminine. Arguably, women have an advantage, yet, the myth persists that women are somehow inferior negotiators.

It’s worth exploring how the key traits apply to women to determine whether the belief that women can’t negotiate effectively holds up.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness requires knowledge of the negotiation matter and confidence in presentation skills to make the argument. While many women suffer from conditioned limiting beliefs that undermine their confidence and propensity to self-advocate assertively, it’s telling that they routinely step up in the assertiveness column when advocating for others. Clearly, women have the skill. of assertiveness They just need to be encouraged to tap into it more regularly.

Rapport-Building

Rapport-building and relationship are important skills in negotiation. Women have historically been required to develop the complex combination of rapport-building skills to survive in a world where, for so long, they had so few rights.

Empathy

Empathy refers to one’s ability to put oneself in the position of others, to imagine walking a mile in their shoes, to see where one’s counterpart is coming from and to understand their needs and emotions, even (or especially) when one doesn’t agree. Empathy is perhaps the skill in negotiation most written about, after assertiveness—yet women’s arguable advantage in this skill is typically ignored in the context of assessing negotiating abilities.

Flexibility

Flexibility can apply to process and/or outcome in a negotiation. More effective negotiators will be able to find different and creative ways to meet their interests. Some would say that women excel in this area out of necessity. The need to juggle many balls at the same time, to multitask, and to maneuver through the many minefields that typically come with being a woman arguably make women supremely well-equipped to bring flexible approaches to life and negotiations.

Intuition

Intuition includes an ability to read one’s counterpart and use cues to smooth the interaction. These cues include nonverbal factors such as eye contact, body language, tone of voice, pace, and verbal factors such as humor to build connection. Women are usually highly rated based on these factors. Whether or not one accepts that these are gender-based qualities or not, people buy into the concept of "women’s intuition" and yet dismiss its value when assessing women’s effectiveness as negotiators.

Trustworthiness

Not surprisingly, reputation and trustworthiness are key, especially for long-term negotiation relationships. Women’s skills in relationship-building can be a significant advantage. Women’s perceived openness and candor can serve as a benefit, as does women’s perceived openness to ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard.

Assertiveness Essential Reads

The Awesome and Sometimes Sinister Power of "The Ask"

Assertive Communication: Required in All OCD Marriages

Conclusion

On the basis of six core skills, woman are well-equipped to be successful in the art of negotiation. In fact, one might query why, if women are highly rated in five out of six required skills, the myth that women can’t negotiate well persists at all.

Perhaps it’s because women don’t fully step into their "feminine" power in negotiations, but instead, allow themselves to be held back by limiting beliefs without foundation. Perhaps it’s time to teach young girls and remind women that they have the toolkit to negotiate at the highest level, and to encourage that they use their natural negotiation skills with intention in every negotiation—from the boardroom to the bedroom and all the spaces in between.