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Breaking Free from Playing Small
Women are often admonished to diminish themselves.
Posted April 30, 2023 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Society often tasks women to be smaller, to take up less space than their male counterparts. This perceived expectation applies both literally and figuratively. Whether in women’s clothing sizes, self-expression, being overlooked at work, or within personal relationships, the experience of being told that smaller or less is better is ubiquitous.
Women are propagandized to fit into magazine or billboard images of what a woman should look like. Size-zero clothing can be seen to suggest that women should strive to be invisible altogether. Exuberance is frowned upon. Women are even more likely to physically take less space on subways or other modes of transit.
Where It All Begins
The sad fact is that as early as kindergarten, young girls start diminishing themselves.
Studies show that young boys gain social status in the schoolyard when they brag about themselves and strive to make themselves larger than life. By contrast, young girls quickly tune in to subtle (and not so subtle) cues that they must step back from their young feminine power or face social shunning. When faced with that threat, it’s natural that girls begin to diminish themselves, thus starting the conditioning to be self-effacing and self-deprecating.
This sets up women to not only deny their power, strength, and confidence but also to contain themselves. It keeps them playing small for the sake of social safety.
The Pattern Continues into Adulthood
When someone is told that they are "too much," then the natural inclination is to tone down. If someone is a little flamboyant, whether in dress, self-expression, or voice, it’s common to be rejected for not fitting in. Shame about physical attributes, dress, life choices, and even exuberance takes the lead in dictating future choices and behaviors.
The conditioning does not come just from men. Women fall victim to the shrinking syndrome themselves and, in addition to judging themselves, they also are likely to judge other women harshly.
It’s no surprise that later in life, women might allow men to take credit for their ideas. Or that women change their tone to avoid being seen as aggressive when acting in a way that a man would be rewarded for.
As women dim themselves, men are rewarded for beating their chests. They get promotions, higher wages, and the higher ground in relationships. All because they feel safe putting themselves out there. They expect to get what they want, so they ask for it.
Women are less likely to ask. Studies show that a woman meeting a majority of the requirements for a job posting is significantly less likely to apply for the job than a man with fewer of the posted requirements.
Women hold themselves back because that conditioned little girl from the schoolyard whispers in her ear to not think too much of herself for fear of social consequences. And so they make themselves a little less-than, or they already believed they were less than in the first place.
Either way, women end up getting less than they deserve.
Women dim themselves not only in business but also in their romantic relationships, often giving up their own dreams, visions, and aspirations to prop up the men in their lives. There is a high cost that comes with such behavior. It stunts personal potential and fulfillment—and it sends dangerous messages for the next generation. When women subjugate their needs to those of their partners, it teaches young women that their needs are not as important as those of the men in their lives. It reinforces for young men that their needs are more important than those of women they may partner with. In that way, the problem becomes self-perpetuating.
How to Break Free
Freedom from the societal push to stay take up less space starts with a commitment.
A simple, but courageous, commitment to stop making oneself smaller. And to create a community that is willing to challenge one another to be the fullest possible versions of themselves.
Together, the community can shine brightly and promise to support other women in being their fullest, most expressed, and expansive version of themselves, rather than judging them for being “too much.”
Women can learn to celebrate each other’s bigness and create communities that support, rather than shun, uniqueness.
In order to get what one wants, one must raise their voice, ask for what they want, and expect to get it. From the boardroom to the bedroom, or the playground to the senior home, women can choose to spread out and take up more space, simply by doing so.
