The Lost Art of Talking to Someone You Just Met

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A sweeping look across a crowded room finds eye contact and a coy smile. You return with a second look. A nonverbal invitation has been sent and received. You approach the person and say, “Hello.” Your hello is returned, followed by a genuine smile and then…silence.

Initiating conversations with strangers can be intimidating. However, learning a few simple rapport-building techniques can easily bridge the gap between “Hello” and a meaningful personal relationship.

Music

Music is a good topic to discuss when first meeting someone new. Everyone can relate to music and has an opinion on what they like. Even if you do not share the same taste in music, exploring the differences between music types is fertile ground for conversation. Music preferences can also provide valuable insights into a person’s personality and lifestyle.

Empathic Statements

Empathic statements focus on the other person and away from you and serve as great conversation fillers. When you cannot think of anything to say, fall back on empathic statements. They are a quick and easy cure for silence when the other person stops talking, and you cannot think of anything to say. All you have to do is remember the last thing the person said and construct a, “So you..” statement based on what was said. For example: “So you didn’t like Taylor Swift’s move away from country music?” The speaker will respond and add new information. You can then construct another empathic statement based on the newly provided information. This cycle can be repeated, giving you time to think of something meaningful to say.

Decoding Nonverbal Rapport

Understanding the other person’s nonverbal gestures can provide immediate feedback on how rapport develops. Nonverbal cues also determine if the other person wants to intensify the relationship. Here are a few examples to look for:

1. Inward Leaning: People lean toward people they like and tend to distance themselves from people they do not like. So, if you see the other person leaning in toward you, rapport is being developed.
2. Body Repositioning: People who share rapport will orient themselves toward each other. For example, people sitting side-by-side at a table or bar gradually reposition their bodies to face one another as rapport builds.
3. Touching: Touching is a powerful, subtle, and complex nonverbal communication. In social situations, the language of touch can convey various messages. For example, if you touch a person’s hand lightly and they pull away, even slightly, the person being touched is not yet ready to intensify the relationship. Pulling away does not necessarily signal rejection. It means you will have to build more rapport with that person before advancing the relationship.

Removing Barriers

Seventy percent of all information is transferred over food and drink. People who eat or drink together are predisposed to talk. Therefore, drinking coffee or sharing a meal is ideal for a new relationship. Watching where a person places their cup can signal if rapport has been established. If the person across from you places their cup between them and you, the cup forms a barrier, which signals that rapport has not yet been established. If the person places their cup to either side, leaving open space between you and them, signals rapport has been established.

Taking a walk

People are predisposed to talk when they walk. Taking a walk with your person of interest encourages them to engage in casual conversation. Taking a walk is a simple, yet effective technique to naturally build rapport.

Initiating conversations with new people does not have to be awkward or intimidating if you use a few simple rapport-building techniques. Also, knowing the nonverbal cues that signal a rapport will allow you to monitor its development and make adjustments as required.