When You Misinterpret the Laughter of Others

This post is part two of a series.

In the first post of this blog series, I made the case that the best way of understanding laughter was as a form of nonverbal communication, one that affirms a sense of mutual (that is to say, shared) vulnerability. According to the Mutual Vulnerability Theory, a desire to express laughter can result from perceived shifts in status—effectively a measure of vulnerability—and that these shifts can be the result of someone else’s standing being raised or lowered, our own being raised or lowered, or some combination of the these.

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Thus, when a good friend’s vulnerability is highlighted in some way, and we want to remind them that we too have shortcomings, our laughter acts to express a feeling of sympathy and support, and thus might be described as “Lifting Laughter.” We’re laughing “with” them—in effect, raising their status back up. When someone who we believe is overly confident or arrogant reveals a vulnerability, the laughter that suggests they also have faults is intended to bring them back down to a status level more in line with reality. It’s what I dub “Lowering Laughter” and many refer to as laughing “at” someone. When we are diminished by our own vulnerabilities being brought to light, our reminding others that they too possess similar limitations could be characterized as “Self-Lifting Laughter”. Examples are embarrassed or nervous laughter. And, finally, when our boost in status results simply from good fortune and we want to affirm, for humility’s sake, that we are actually no better than we were prior, we might express “Self-Lowering Laughter”.

The same outward expression we recognize as laughter, the same exact message affirming mutual vulnerability, can be inspired by different motivations as dictated by the circumstances. It’s no different than how we can scream (and even cry) with excitement or joy, as well as with fear or agony.

There’s a certain efficiency, to be sure; but as we are about to see, this dual nature does have some drawbacks.

Misinterpretations

Trying to decipher who is being motivated by which sentiment can sometimes be difficult. Our conclusions about others’ intentions will necessarily be influenced by our past experiences, prejudices, moods, the interpersonal relationships, and even the feedback we receive from those around us in that moment. These factors make uncertainty and the misinterpretation of others’ motivations a real possibility.

To be on the receiving end of laughter’s message can be a wonderful thing. A few moments of well-timed, heartfelt Lifting Laughter from a friend can be invaluable. It’s also the case that laughter can be one of the most odious sounds we experience, expressing feelings of loathing and disgust so malicious as to compel some to take their own lives.

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Hearing what another person intends as Lowering Laughter and mistaking it for Lifting Laughter surely happens. It can be embarrassing, I suppose, but not particularly hurtful. Yes, it would tend to give credence to the laugher’s low opinion of the receiver since he, along with whatever other shortcomings he may be displaying, seems unable to correctly interpret the intent behind the laughter. But in the short-run, at least, it would serve to insulate the receiver from emotional pain rather than cause it.

Where we run in to problems is in the opposite circumstance. One hears what’s intended to be Lifting, Self-Lifting, or Self-Lowering Laughter, and interprets it instead as Lowering Laughter.

Most of us have been on both sides of such misunderstandings. We might see a friend falter in some way and our “funny bone” will be tickled. Our wholly sympathetic laughter bursts forth reflexively. We want to be supportive, but they take our reaction as mocking and derisive. Often we have the ability to detect their distress and do something to correct the misunderstanding. But there are those instances when misgivings persist. We simply assume others will take our laughter in the spirit it was given, never checking their face or posture for signs of hurt feelings. When we do detect agitation, their reaction may be so strong that they will not listen to our explanation or rush off before we can offer one. Or perhaps there’s someone else nearby who does or says something to support their misinterpretation. In any case, before we know it the damage has been done.

Sometimes we’re the ones who feel the sting. A family member, coworker, even a perfect stranger sees us (or perhaps someone we love) in a moment of difficulty, and expresses support or their own anxiety with Lifting or Self-Lifting Laughter, and because we’re tired, frustrated, or feeling defensive, all we sense is derision and ridicule.

When such misunderstandings occur between friends, they can fray the ties that bind. If hurtful laughter comes from strangers, especially if it concerns a failing over which we have no control—something integral to our being—their laughter might even make us doubt decency of humanity as a whole. But there are times these feelings are unwarranted. The message sent was not the message received.

Laughter Essential Reads

Why Laughter Is Such Good Medicine

When Nothing Plus Nothing Equals Laughter

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Gelotophobia

A small percentage of us with a debilitating penchant for misinterpreting Lifting Laughter are said to have a condition called “gelotophobia” (from Gelos, the Greek god of laughter; also see Platt,et al., 2012; Ruch, 2009), and the repercussions can be serious. Such misjudgments can cost friendships, business opportunities, family support, and worse, with consequences that may last days, weeks, or years.

It's important to be cognizant that some of the laughter we classify as scornful or mocking may, instead, be sympathetic and supportive. It rarely hurts to assume the best until additional information suggests otherwise.

This post was drawn from Chapter Ten of Why We Laugh: A New Understanding.

© John Charles Simon