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3 "Bids" Kids Are Making to Parents During the Pandemic
Kids are craving connection but may not be asking for it in an obvious way.
Posted November 20, 2020 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Research suggests that COVID-19 restrictions present serious challenges to children's emotional health. Amid lockdowns, the frequency of daily negative moods increased for both parents and children, and children also displayed significantly worse behavior. Children were deeply impacted by disrupted routines, social isolation and loneliness, soaring screen time, lack of access to sports/clubs or school, and family stress.
One simple, powerful way to boost kids' social and emotional health during this trying time is to answer their "bids" for connection.
According to researcher John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, "bids" are when people reach out for attention, affirmation, affection, or any positive connection. When parents convey love and respect by "answering bids" and "turning toward" their kids, it can help build kids' mood, self-esteem, social competence, social confidence, and ability to get along with others. Sadly, children's "bids" are sometimes seen as idle chit-chat or even whining, viewed as behavior problems, or just plain ignored.
Picture a "bid" as a child serving a tennis ball to his/her parent. If the parent returns the ball so the child can hit it again, the interaction is social and fun, a micro-connection.
Here are three types of bids children often make:
1. The "Special (One-On-One) Time" Bid
"How come we aren't going to a hockey game this year?" "Why don't you take me to the grocery store anymore?" "Can I stay up late with you?" "I wish we could go to The Nutcracker like we did last year" "I want to make muffins just with mom, not with my brothers!" "We haven't played Monopoly since the summer." "Can you watch this movie with me?" "Can I go for a run with you?"
All this together time, paired with outings restrictions, overwork, and stress, is making it tough for parents to spend special one-on-one time with each child in the way they once did. However, one-on-one time is fundamentally different than whole-family time, and kids need it now more than ever. While comments such as the ones listed above may sound like whining, they are really "bids" to spend time with parents keeping up traditions, going on adventures, or just hanging out.
It's important to let kids feel sad about the losses they've experienced. However, even with pandemic restrictions, parents can use creative ways to spend special one-on-one time with kids such as: establishing a game night with just one child in the basement every Saturday night, eating takeout food in the car together, watching an event over live stream, or hiking at a different forest preserve every Sunday morning. Special time can be incredibly simple, such as playing ping-pong, watching a movie, reading a book aloud together, painting together, playing catch, shooting hoops, or going for a bike ride.
Respond to bids for special time: Think of creative ways you can spend special one-on-one time (even for 10 minutes) with each child, despite pandemic challenges.
2. The Bid for Positive Feedback
"Is this dress okay?" "I'm stupid." "I don't have any friends." "No wonder I can't get this — I'm not good at math." "I'm not a good friend anyway."
Kids make certain statements as a "bid" for positive feedback from parents. While these comments may provide an opening for a deeper conversation, kids often say them to seek simple reassurance, (especially now that they've lost so much due to the pandemic). Researchers have found that giving kids bloated, over-the-top praise for "fixed traits" such as achievement, intelligence, beauty, or the like can actually be harmful. In contrast, "praising for effort" or "praising for process" can improve kids' motivation, effort, and self-confidence. Researcher Carol Dweck gives an example of process praise as:
“You really studied for your English test, and your improvement shows it. You read the material over several times, outlined it, and tested yourself on it. That really worked!”
Respond to the bid for positive feedback: Give reassurance. Give praise for process or effort (not for fixed traits or achievement).
3. The Playful Bid
Your toddler hides when you try to brush her teeth. Your teenager teases you about your cooking. Your 7-year-old thinks it's hilarious when every pencil he's using for his homework happens to break.
Kids have a hard-wired need to laugh, smile, be silly, and connect through playfulness. Parents can often mistake playful bids for connection as "disobedience," "dawdling," or "goofing off."
Research shows that social laughter is one of the most powerful ways we can connect with others. Social laughter leads to pleasurable feelings and increased release of endorphins and opioid peptides in the brain. Endorphin release triggered by social laughter supports the formation, reinforcement, and maintenance of social bonds (including increased feelings of safety and togetherness). With all the heaviness amid the pandemic, kids (and parents) need lighthearted moments more than ever.
Respond to the playful "bid": Next time your child tries to joke with you, take the time to laugh, play along, or joke back.
Parts of this blog post have been excerpted from the book Joy Fixes for Weary Parents: 101 Quick, Research-Based Ways to Overcome Stress and Build a Life You Love.
