Hoodwinked by a Narcissist

Think back on times when you’ve had to size up a person before recommending their being welcomed into an organization to which you belong.

No one bats a thousand in this hit-or-miss task, and poor projections have many causes – but the following narrative probably strikes a rueful chord:

After the interview process you conclude that this person is capable, engaging, caring, and witty – just the kind of person who will do well individually but who will also further the organization’s aims. Perhaps, you foresee a budding friendship.

But, over time, you realize that this first impression was flawed, oh so flawed. With the benefit of hindsight, you now conclude that the interview masked the traits, hazardous to your organization, of a hardcore narcissist – and you and others in the organization are stuck dealing with the accumulating social wreckage this person creates.

Talented though this person is, this talent is used to feather only one nest, and everyone can see which nest it is. An increasingly transparent self-absorption is bizarrely coupled with a craving for admiration, even as each rung in the organizational ladder is spied and then climbed, the fingers of others on the lower rungs feeling the effects of being trod upon.

Yes, this person has a certain charisma that seemed charming at first, but the waters have turned out to be decidedly shallow and repellant, as the person’s actions blitz the positive expectations created by those first impressions.

Caring? Whatever you inferred from the interview was so much self-presentational blarney. In point of fact, this person seems to lack empathy and proves unwilling to self-sacrifice when organizational aims lack a clear connection to his or her personal benefit. With rue your recommendation is laden.

The idea of friendship is just a mite nauseating.

You and your organization's overwhelming goal now becomes: How can the parasite be removed from its host? A personality overall is not an option as it is unlikely the person recognizes any personality flaws in the first place. Only a court order would force self-reflection in the form of therapy and even this would send the assigned therapist into early retirement.

This narrative, though smacking of hyperbole and simplistic narcissist-bashing, is likely common enough in rough outline, with countless unspooling permutations depending on what facets of the person’s narcissism rule the dispositional profile (and there are many important distinctions to make) and where along a continuum from mild to severe each facet falls (recent studies also provide a degree of empirical credence to the general pattern and these complex permutations). A broadly similar story arises in intimate relationships, the personal as well as the personnel. Stark testimony here can be found by typing the word “narcissism” in the book category of Amazon. Most of the books aim at helping people who have unwittingly hired a narcissist — or married one.

I think an under-appreciated factor in explaining the eventual loathing of the narcissist is the widening mismatch between the actual behavior of the narcissist and the initial self-presentational facade so easily recalled. In effect, the narcissist should come across as a first-class, self-serving hypocrite, and increasingly so. The narcissist may maintain the facade longer in front of those with higher status or power, acting in selfish ways only to those with lower status and power (I would look to these folks for detecting the early signs of the narcissist in the organization’s midst). However, a person so governed by self-interest should eventually produce behavioral leaks across the status board, illuminating the narcissistic worm at the core of this person’s self to one and all. At the same time, the self-presentational schtick remains, motivated in part by a desire to be admired, comical to behold under the circumstances. The revealed disconnect between initial impression and the self-presentation hooey upon which it was based, and the evolving recognition of the narcissist’s real qualities compounded by the non-stop self-presentation tactics aimed largely at those with high status and power, should create a ground swell of resentment and disgust.