The Goodie-Goodie Bag of Tricks for Playing Saint/Genius

Are you all learnt out—humiliated by having to learn anything new? Are you frustrated that you haven’t graduated from life’s school already? Insulted whenever someone doubts you?

If so, there’s a solution! Get anti-curious. Become fortress-minded. It’s easy! People of all kinds are doing it!

All you need is this bag of six tricks. It requires no actual knowledge.

Cults of all kinds give new members this free goodie bag of tricks for joining. Use the tricks, and you'll feel like a goodie-goodie, good at being right, good at being righteous, the perfect genius/saint.

But you don’t have to join a cult to get this goodie-goodie bag. It’s free to everyone! The cult version only looks exclusive. It has the cult’s brand name on it. It gives cult members a feeling of ownership like it’s exclusive to them.

Here are the six tricks you’ll find in the goodie-goodie bag:

1. Trumpiring: Trump all challengers by playing umpire over every debate you enter. You call all the shots. Call “foul” on anyone who disagrees with you and declare yourself the winner!
2. Objectivizing: Act like you’re the objective authority on everything, including your own character.
3. Robo-spinning: Robotically spin all positive descriptions to you and all negative descriptions to your challengers. You’re smart, moral, and strong. Your challengers are dumb, immoral, and weak.
4. OnUpping: If they disagree, just say you’re fair and open-minded and they’re unfair and closed-minded. If they say you’re being unfair, say you’re unbiased and they’re biased. For every higher level accusation up one up, pull rank declaring yourself good and them bad. Show disgust for bad traits as if it proves that you don’t have them. Say “Me! Unfair? Impossible! I hate unfairness!" You hate unfairness to you, so claim that that proves you’re fair-minded.
5. Prejecting: Project any character flaw you have onto challengers before they can accuse you. That way, if they accuse you, you can dismiss them as projecting, being defensive, and trying to start a pissing match over meaningless words.
6. Pre-rejecting: Reject all challengers before they say anything. Anyone who disagrees with you is disqualified in advance and therefore not worth listening to. They’re the enemy of objective truth, which you have.

This goodie-goodie bag is like a get-out-of-fail-free card! With it, win, lose, draw—you’re the winner. When you win, it proves you're right about everything. When you lose, it proves they’re mean (bad) and the game was unfair. If they forfeit, it proves they can’t handle your genius. A genius without having to know anything but that you’re a genius!

If using this goodie-goodie bag of tricks bothers your conscience, don’t worry. With a little practice, you’ll be winning so much that your conscience won’t bother you anymore. Besides, you can always say, “I have the best conscience, and if you don’t believe me about that, you’re stupid, mean, and weak, so I don’t have to listen to you.”

It’s addictive. Once you start using, it’s almost impossible to stop. If you try, you’ll crave your fix of self-certainty and be embarrassed by all the BS you pulled while using it.

But that’s a good thing, right? If it’s addictive, you don’t have to worry about falling off the wagon and returning to reality. You can play invincible, invulnerable superhero ‘til the end of your days. And after that, who cares? You’ll be dead.

As I said, cults give out this goodie-goodie bag free to anyone who joins. They label it to their lifestyle brand, and they don’t lead with it. They lead with rationalizations for why the cult is uniquely right and righteous, which are always some mashup of rationalizations from other cults. They hide the goodie-goodie bag under the new member’s seats. That way new members will reach for the bag as if using it is justified by the cult’s lifestyle brand, like “It’s my duty to use these six tricks in my mission to save the world from dumb and evil people.” That way people think they joined for mission when they’ve really joined for the goodie-goodie bag.

If you opt to take full advantage of this goodie-goodie bag of cheap tricks, some people will unfriend you. Who cares? Don’t listen to them. They're just dumb and evil, which proves you’re right about everything.

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