Running on Empty? Give More to Restore

A few days ago, I was done. As in finished, exhausted, depleted, empty, D-O-N-E. December is always a time of exhaustion for people on academic calendars. In addition to holiday planning and travel, professors, teachers, and students push through the high-stress days of final exams and grading. Everyone is tired, short-tempered, and rough around the edges. This year seems worse even than last year. While 2020 was challenging, it didn't have those daily interactions that wear away good moods. Staying at home meant no cars cut me off on the freeway, I didn't forget my lunch at home, and everyone else's bad moods and troubles were safely behind a screen and could be turned off. This year, however, there was no escape. And, frankly, one more email or social media post about the importance of self-care was going to drive me bonkers. With a bottomless inbox and everyone needing something, 10 minutes of downward dog was not going to do anything for me.

Luckily, I had one more trick up my sleeve. At my lowest point, I found salvation in giving just a little bit more.

I know that seems totally illogical. If you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, how can the answer be "give more"? What could you possibly have left to offer? Turns out, even exhausted people can share a bottomless and precious resource that will improve outcomes for others and for themselves—kindness and grace to others. Here are two easy ways to give grace to others and yourself and find renewal.

Give a sincere compliment

This is the easiest one. You can give the compliment to a stranger, a coworker, or a close loved one. It doesn't have to be a long conversation—it can just be a comment as you pass someone in the doorway. While you might think that a simple "I like your shoes" or "that's a great sweater" would not mean much to the receiver, research by Vanessa Bohns shows that such compliments make people feel good. To be most effective, the compliment needs to be sincere, specific, and show that the speaker is paying attention. It's a simple formula:

Good compliment = Notice + Name + Explain

For example, you might compliment someone's yellow umbrella on a dreary day and following this formula say, "I love your umbrella, it's so cheerful."

And, of course, compliments need to be appropriate. Complimenting someone on their appearance (e.g., "You look great today, have you lost weight?") can make them feel uncomfortable and scrutinized. Instead, focus on a specific behavior or object.

Research shows that not only will the person you give the compliment to feel good, but so will you. As I walk from one meeting to the next, I make it a goal to look up from my phone and say one nice thing to a person I pass. The search for things to compliment puts me into a positive mindset and the positive reaction of the person I've complimented splashes back on me.

Give to others

You don't have to have a lot to give something to someone else. And, giving to others forges a sense of connection that can give you a warm glow. And, there are ways to give away things that you already have, and don't need, that are easy and quick. One example is Buy Nothing. Partly the result of pandemic-initiated cleaning and decluttering sprees and partly because of a desire to connect locally, Buy Nothing communities facilitate the sharing of goods with others. Buy Nothing is explicit in saying that items given away through those Facebook groups are gifts and exchanges are not allowed. Most of us have items sitting on shelves, at the bottom of drawers in that eternal purgatory of too nice to trash and too unnecessary to use. This clutter can weigh on us and drain our mental health. When you give things away, it can reduce the strain caused by clutter and you get the benefit of giving to others. Giving to others has been shown to reduce blood pressure and release endorphins in your brain. Through Buy Nothing and other groups, you can give away the jar of unopened spaghetti sauce, the dress you've outgrown, and even old aquarium water to someone who will use and appreciate it.

When I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I look around the house at gifts or other items that I just never used or my child has outgrown and then I post it on the Buy Nothing group. Doing so gives me the same feeling as buying something shiny and new—only there is never buyer's regret.

There are many other ways to manage your emotions, including showing gratitude, doing random acts of kindness, and sharing. Complimenting others and giving (even free, used stuff) are two quick ways to refill your wellness tank.