Narcissistic Abuse Red Flags Checklist

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Not everyone with traits of narcissism will behave in abusive or cruel ways. And not all of those who behave in abusive ways have traits of this personality disorder, but there are links.

"The key link between narcissism and aggression was provocation. Individuals high in narcissism were especially aggressive when threatened or provoked in some way, such as being ignored or insulted. But findings showed a link even under conditions with no provocation." (Kjærvik & Bushman, 2021).

Many victims find out too late that their partner has narcissistic traits, only to look back at the red flags that seemed so easily excusable at the time. When you are in a relationship, it can feel scary to realize that your partner lacks empathy and compassion, and many worry that their partner's behaviors will get worse if they try to leave.

• Leaving a relationship with an abusive person, particularly one with narcissistic traits usually results in post-separation abuse, which can sometimes be worse than anything that happened during the actual relationship. The biggest indicator that your partner is capable of post-separation abuse is if they were abusive during the relationship or if they engaged in this behavior after ending a previous relationship. A history of highly toxic breakups beyond normal drama and emotions is a major indicator that they cannot handle rejection and should be handled cautiously.
• Not everyone is able to remain friendly with previous partners. But the way they talk about their ex-partner can indicate a lack of self-awareness and an inability to self-reflect. Do they focus on the behaviors their ex did that led to the ending of the relationship? This is reasonable. Do they bash and insult them, or worse, make fun of them? This is a sign of immaturity and is a major red flag of how they will talk about you when you leave. Is there excessive anger in their voice when they discuss previous relationships? Pay attention to that. How do they treat their children — are they pawns to gain control?
• Abusers usually spin the story to make themselves look like the victim, so at first, it can be difficult to get the truth of what happened at the end of previous relationships. You might even believe their lies if they are convincing. This is why people often do not recognize the signs, or red flags, that occur during a toxic relationship.

Here are some of the most common red flags that survivors recall dismissing or excusing when they reflect on the relationship:

Does your partner…?
____ make fun of you or others in a cruel, mean way? This would be more than consensual teasing in some relationships where the behavior is acceptable to both partners. Cruel bullying is a sign of limited or no empathy.

____ Use intimidation or threats to you or other people

____ Think that all mistakes are someone else’s fault. In isolation, this could be immaturity or arrogance. But it could also make them incapable of owning their part in a relationship ending and give them a false sense of being wronged.

____ Show very little capacity for remorse or self-reflection. This could be a clue that they might not handle the breakup in a healthy way or that they will be unable to handle rejection

____ Have constant conflicts with others? These could be legal battles or just generally nasty conflicts with others.

____ Lie a lot, or say things constantly that just do not add up or do not make sense? Everyone tells white lies but look out for constant deceit.

____ Act cruel or abusive to animals, disabled people, or children? If someone is cruel to those less powerful than they are, this is a bad sign.

____ Blame others constantly without taking any responsibility

____ Threaten to ruin your career or reputation if you leave? Or do you notice that they say this to other people? Perhaps they threaten to ruin the career of a coworker or family member who wronged them.

____ Threaten to take the children if you leave, saying things like "you will never see your kids again!"

____ Speak badly about you to others, especially to your friends and family. This is sometimes a sign that someone is trying to isolate you from those who support you.

____ Do you sometimes fear how your partner will act if you were to end the relationship or take a break?

____ Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable with your partner’s behavior in public, such as when they are rude to wait for staff or are cruel to other people?

____ Are they quick to cause legal trouble for others? Watch out for the person who often threatens lawsuits and police involvement for the slightest threats or inconveniences. Everyone may have a civil right to involve law enforcement when they feel unsafe, but using it as a threat or control tactic is a red flag.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Does Narcissism Fade With Age?

Are Narcissists Really as Arrogant as We Think?

If someone possesses more than a few of the above qualities, there is probably a higher chance that they are capable of the revenge-seeking behaviors that constitute post-separation narcissistic abuse.

In part, from my book It's Not High Conflict, It's Post Separation Abuse: When Abusers Weaponize the Courts as a Form of Retaliation.

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.