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Relationships
How to Create Deeper Relationships
Be attuned, be responsive, and be prepared to self-soothe.
Posted January 3, 2022 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Partners in strong relationships learn how to become attuned and responsive to each other's needs.
- Developing strong communication skills can help individuals express what they want.
- Understanding how to self-soothe can help people stay connected to their partner even when they're frustrated.
Philosophers have told us that to love and be loved gives meaning to our lives. All the great spiritual traditions teach that love is the essence of spiritual life. Love is indeed a noble ideal, but how do we get there?
Here are four practical skills for creating a foundation to love and be loved in a mature way. Many of these thoughts are expanded in my book, The Authentic Heart.
Being attuned
Love involves a generous and expansive awareness that sees people as they are rather than manipulating them into acting how we’d like them to be. We temporarily put aside our own desires and attune to a person’s feelings and needs. This skill requires deep listening.
Most likely, our friends and partner are not adept enough—or saintly enough—to express their feelings and desires with perfect communication skills. Such an expectation would leave us with few friends indeed! Can we draw upon inner resources to listen with the ears of our hearts? Then, even when someone’s communication is delivered imperfectly, perhaps with a tone of irritability or frustration (though not rising to the level of being abusive), we attune to the imperfectly expressed needs without getting defensive. Of course, when we’re triggered, this is easier said than done. It’s something that takes practice and an ongoing ability to soothe ourselves (more on that later).
Everyone wants to be heard, seen, and understood. Love is nurtured as we monitor our triggered reactions and offer our caring, non-judgmental presence. Our capacity to offer this loving presence springs from cultivating a certain kind of inner quiet so that we can be present to another person without the reactivity or distraction that leaves them feeling unheard, frustrated, or discouraged.
Being responsive
John Gottman’s research into couples offers the insight that one ingredient of mature love is to allow ourselves to be affected by each other. We respond empathically rather than react. Attuning to a person allows us to see what they need to feel connected and happy. Responding means offering what they need, as long as we can do so without harming or diminishing ourselves.
If our partner requests that we be a little neater, or help with chores, or be more gentle or affectionate, can we hear that without judging them as being too picky, obsessive, or needy? How does their request land inside us? Does it feel threatening in some way? Are we afraid we won’t get our turn to be heard? Does their need trigger a place inside us that feels inadequate—or perhaps gets uncomfortably close to a personal need that has been buried, which makes it difficult to respond positively?
We often underestimate our power in a relationship. It might be validating and empowering to realize that we have the ability to make another person happy through our generous responsiveness.
Communication skills
It is typical for our needs and wants to clash in a relationship. We each come into the relationship with different histories, wounds, and predilections. We want to be heard—and our partner or friend also needs caring listening. Bridging the gap is what communication is all about. Being attuned and responsive requires that we dialogue in a kind, skillful way. Marshal Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers one helpful method for communicating effectively.
Communicating the vulnerable feelings and tender longings of our hearts requires awareness and courage. We’re biologically programmed with a fight, flight, or freeze response when we experience a real or imagined threat to our safety and well-being. This instinct had survival value when we lived in the jungle, but it doesn’t serve us well in our adult relationships. We need to bring awareness to our built-in tendency to attack or shut down when we’re not feeling heard and respected, which often fuels a destructive cycle that escalates conflict and unhappiness.
What we’re up against in our intimate relationships are the hair-trigger reactions of our reptilian and limbic brain, which try to keep us safe. It takes a lot of mindfulness to notice our immediate reactions and pause long enough to uncover our deeper, more vulnerable feelings and needs—and find the courage to express them in a skillful way.
Self-soothing
When our need to be heard, understood, and connected is not met, we may feel an impulse to attack our partner or friend—or withdraw and disconnect. Rather than make things worse, it’s helpful to develop the capacity to soothe ourselves when things don’t go our way. As we cultivate inner resources—engaging in activities and practices that nurture us—we’re better able to stay connected to ourselves rather than lashing out or stonewalling, which perpetuates everyone’s suffering.
We’re each challenged to find our own way toward soothing ourselves. For some, meditation, yoga, or tai chi help us find inner peace and ease. For others, journaling, artwork, or petting a cat or dog is soothing. By finding a way to be with ourselves when we’re not getting the mirroring or attention we want, we’re more able to stay connected.
The more we can attune to each other, be responsive, develop skillful communication, and soothe ourselves when things don’t go well, the more safety, trust, and connection get embedded into our relationships. By developing such awareness and skills, we can move toward actualizing the love we long for.
© John Amodeo
Facebook image: LightField Studios/Shutterstock
