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Key points
- Comparing life satisfaction between those who are partnered versus those who are single is fraught with difficulty.
- An often overlooked part of discontent is the shame around being single–shaming from others and, more notably, self-inflicted shame.
- You can have a satisfying, meaningful life whether you happen to be single or partnered right now.
If you are single, are you ok with that or distressed by it? Do you feel judged by others–or perhaps judge yourself--for not having a partner? In most cultures, it’s hard to avoid the message that being married and having children is required for happiness. We may buy into the belief that something is wrong with us if we’re not partnered; it’s shameful to be single.
But does being single condemn us to a life of misery and isolation? Are married people really happier?
In a fifteen-year study of 24,000 people in Germany, researchers found that marriage did boost life satisfaction, but the increase was tiny–one-tenth of a point on a ten-point scale. And that difference was likely due to the initial effects of marriage.
The lead author of the study, Dr. Richard E. Lucas of Michigan State University, concluded that most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than before marriage.
Comparing life satisfaction between those who are partnered versus those who are single is fraught with difficulty. Studies offer varying results. One study suggests that happy singles are more likely to marry and that there are wide differences in the benefits of marriage for different couples.
As a psychotherapist, I often see clients who are unhappy being single. Some of their dissatisfaction comes from feeling lonely or the fear of being single forever. But an often overlooked part of their discontent is the shame around it–shaming from others and, more notably, self-inflicted shame.
The Buddhist parable of the two arrows offers a useful parallel. The first arrow is the unpleasant circumstance that life brings us. The second arrow is our reaction to our circumstances. It is the second self-inflicted arrow that we have the most control over.
Perhaps there are times you feel sad or lonely being single. If so, can you acknowledge those feelings and be gentle toward them? Or do you dispatch a second arrow toward yourself–a self-berating belief that there’s something wrong with you for being single?
Once we recognize that we’ve internalized social norms and beliefs, we can choose to continue believing them or challenge them. If we accept them, then we add a self-inflicted wound to whatever dissatisfaction we might feel around being single. By taking a step back and noticing these beliefs–bringing mindfulness to them–then rather than be ruled by them, we can explore whether they’re really true.
Are married people happier than single people? It depends on the person. Perhaps happily married people were fairly happy before they met their partner. Perhaps some married people are initially happy and notice differences or stumble into impasses that they don’t have the skills or willingness to resolve. Perhaps they put on a happy face, but underneath they are quietly suffering. Maybe they divorce and are ushered back to the single life, now with children raised in separate households.
Attachment Style tells us that we’re wired for connection. We need healthy relationships to thrive. A fulfilling partnership satisfies our needs for connection and intimacy, freeing us from the burden of unmet needs and improving our quality of life.
Being single doesn’t condemn us to be alone. However, friendships are an underrated source of satisfaction. Creating relationships where we feel safe to be ourselves can go a long way toward meeting our need for connection.
A satisfying partnership can offer extraordinary blessings. But whether or not we’re partnered, friendships can bring deep satisfaction to our lives.
If you’re not currently partnered, remember that periods of being single can be growth opportunities. Being alone can be an opportunity to work on ourselves–perhaps exploring how past relationships got off track and how we might approach them next time around. We might discover joy in relishing our own company. Perhaps through exercise, meditation, spiritual practice, art, reading, writing, or music, we can cultivate resources to deepen our well-being and expand our creativity. Psychotherapy or coaching might help us learn more about ourselves, what we really want, and how to move forward in our lives.
If you’re not content with your single status, I don’t want to minimize the dissatisfaction you might be feeling. But at the same time, I invite you to consider whether you’re carrying shame around it (that nasty second arrow). If so, perhaps you can find a way to be more gentle with yourself, remembering that the grass always seems greener somewhere else.
You may want to keep your eyes open when opportunities present themselves–or search more actively if that feels right for you. But consider that you have the capacity to cultivate a deeper inner life while also availing yourself of the telephone, internet, and perhaps safe social opportunities to connect with people who might add joy and meaning to your life. Happy people have happier partnerships.
Make some creative effort to create a satisfying life for yourself. And be open to opportunities and synchronicities that might bring a lovely partner into your life. If not, consider the possibility that you can have a satisfying, meaningful life whether you happen to be single or partnered right now. Either path has its blessings and opportunities.
© John Amodeo
