How to Repair a Relationship: 6 Solutions for Change

Not all relationships are salvageable, but those that are will require several key principles to repair them so that the relationship becomes functional and gratifying. Based on anecdotal data from almost 20 years of providing psychotherapy to men and women, I have found that certain factors are especially helpful in improving or even saving a struggling relationship. Review each factor below and understand that practicing each one will give an impaired relationship the best odds for emotional repair.

1. Increased self-awareness. The most important building block of relationship repair is increased self-awareness; without it, there is little hope. Asking yourself the following questions is critical and necessary: What did I do that emotionally hurt the other person? Which personality traits of mine tend to cause problems in relationships? (You should be able to cite at least one.) What in my past may have set me up to operate this way with someone I care about? What lessons did I learn about myself from past relationships? Increased self-awareness is important because self-awareness is necessary for emotional intimacy. What is the hallmark of emotional intimacy? The capacity to be vulnerable and trusting with another person.
2. Increased empathy. Another crucial factor for relationship repair is the capacity for empathy, or the capacity to think about and appreciate another person's feelings. It is widely established that empathy is a trait that is cultivated early in childhood through a mirroring process in which an infant or young child senses that their feelings are noticed and their needs are met. Whether a child receives empathy or not from their caregiver helps to determine whether that child, later in life, has empathy for himself and others. In adult relationships, the existence and practice of empathy are necessary in order to have a gratifying and mutually emotional intimate relationship. When a relationship is impaired or has become dysfunctional, it is often because there is a lack of empathy perceived by one or both members of the relationship. When a relationship suffers, one of the most important ways to repair it is to focus on increasing your empathy. Think about how the other person feels, and consider whether they may feel sad, angry, jealous, insecure, or disappointed. The more time you take to consider the range of the other person's feelings, the better chance you have of repairing the relationship. This is so because your increased awareness of the other person's feelings can help you put into practice behaviors that are more considerate, respectful, and loving.
3. Patience. Although it has become a trope over time, it's true that patience is a virtue. Many times when people want to repair a given relationship, they want the other person to be on the exact same schedule for relationship repair. In other words, if you have spent time realizing what you have done wrong and you have made a commitment to the other member of the relationship, it is tempting to want the other person to be at the exact same point of enlightenment as you. But it is important to be patient if you want true relationship repair. Allowing for the other person to come to forgive you when they are ready is critical.
4. Increased nurturing. Relationship repair also requires an increase in nurturing. What is nurturing? Nurturing is the practice of caring for and tending to the needs of an individual. When a relationship has become impaired, part of the problem is that one or both members of the relationship have become so focused on their own negative feelings that they no longer have the wish to make the other person feel good. But if you want to repair the relationship, one of the best ways to do so is to make an effort to practice nurturing behaviors. This may include cooking for the other person, asking if there is anything the other person needs, offering a back massage, washing the other person's car, or any other behavior that takes time but shows that you are going out of your way to either make the other person feel good or reduce some of the burdens they have.
5. Consistency. A relationship cannot be repaired without one factor that relates to frequency: consistency. Consistency is so important in a relationship because any healthy relationship requires trust, and trust requires predictability. If you change your behavior to be more positive 90 percent of the time but revert to old, negative behavior the other percent, the other person will most likely focus on the negative 10 percent. It is critical if you want to repair a relationship to be consistent and reliable so that the other person feels that the emotional environment and your behavior are predictable and emotionally safe and supportive.
6. Increased kindness. The final principle required for relationship repair is an increase in kindness. What kindness means is widely established but what often goes unsaid are examples of behaviors that reflect kindness. The root of kindness is an acknowledgment of humanity, that each of us has emotional needs and that all of our relationships work best if we show mutual respect for each other. Kindness is about understanding that we all have strengths and weaknesses and that we all have different thoughts and feelings. Ultimately kindness is about accepting that each of us has inherent value and that no one is superior to another. It's also important to note that kindness is also related to mercy, which is defined as compassion shown toward someone who is in a position of less power. The more mercy a person shows another in a relationship, the kinder they will come across. In relationships, what most people truly want is the capacity and practice of softness from the other person. In a world that feels rushed, critical, and sometimes even cruel, people crave kindness and mercy more than ever. Increased kindness and mercy can't improve every relationship, but they are necessary factors to repair a struggling relationship.

While there are no guarantees when trying to repair a relationship, following these principles will improve the chances of it surviving or, at least, ending far more amicably than it otherwise would.