Can Gay and Straight Men Really Be Friends?

By Karen Blair, Ph.D., and Trent University Students Laura Orchard and Bre O'Handley

“We fell into each other’s arms because of our similarities in our career and because of our age and because we like the same sort of things.” This quote could quite likely be the beginning of a wonderful romance story, but instead, it is a quote about friendship delivered to The Huffington Post by Sir Ian McKellen about his decade’s long friendship with Sir Patrick Stewart.

The two men first came to know each other well on the set of the first X-Men film in 1999, and although the duo played adversaries on the silver screen, offscreen, they were developing a close friendship. On the set, the two men had adjoining trailers, where they spent more time getting to know each other than in front of the camera. By the end of filming, they had discovered how much they had in common, and to this day, they share one of Hollywood’s most well-known friendships.

Both actors are often photographed together doing mundane things, such as walking a boardwalk while deep in conversation. Perhaps one of the reasons their friendship has drawn so much popular attention is the duality of their sexual identities.

McKellan is a gay man who came out in 1988, and although 33 years have passed since he came out, it can still be shocking to the world to see such a close same-sex friendship that crosses sexual identities.

Can Gay and Straight Men Be Friends?

As a graduate student, Raymond McKie was interested in learning more about friendships that crossed sexual identities. Along with his supervisor, Robb Travers, he launched a study that surveyed 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men from across North America. The vast majority of participants in the study indicated that they had at least one friend who had a different sexual orientation than their own.

Similar to questions that loom about whether straight men and women can ever truly be platonic friends, the same question lingers over the friendships between gay and straight men. It seems that whenever there is the potential for sexual attraction, we question the possibility of a truly platonic relationship.

After finding that so many of the men in the study’s sample already held cross-orientation friendships, McKie decided to pursue the area of research further to learn about these unique friendships: bromosexual friendships.

The Ultimate Wingman

A bromosexual friendship is a nonsexual friendship between two men, where typically one friend is gay (or bisexual), and the other is straight. In days past, this may have seemed as unlikely as a friendship between a lion and a mouse, given the traditionally high levels of homophobia among straight men.

But just as in Aesop’s fabled story of the unlikely lion-mouse friendship, sometimes being different can provide unique benefits that simply cannot be found in a friendship built on similarity. In the case of bromosexual friendships, it appears that many in such relationships view each other as the ultimate wingman, particularly when cruising for potential dates in a bar setting (presumably in pre-COVID times)!

McKie’s research reported that straight participants felt that a gay friend made for the ultimate wingman because the gay friend could help to attract prospective partners for the straight friend.

Other research has shown that women prefer friendships with gay versus straight men, partly because the threat or looming question of sexual attraction is rendered moot. However, straight men in bromosexual friendships have perhaps learned how to harness this ease of friendship between straight women and gay men for their own advantage.

McKie noted that the straight men felt their gay friend was able to make successful introductions to straight women because the women trusted their gay male friends to introduce them to a good person.

But the benefits of bromosexual friendships are not unidirectional. Gay men also reported unique advantages to having a straight wingman when pursuing their own dating goals. Gay men in McKie’s research reported that their straight male friends often play the role of ‘matchmaker’ and introduce them to another of their gay friends. The lack of competition for the same prospective partners allows the friendship to flourish in a way that may be hindered to some degree for gay or straight men in friendships with men who share the same sexual orientation.

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A Unique Bond

So far, it may seem as though bromosexual friendships are just a means to expanding one’s dating pool and success, but there is much more to the benefits described by those involved in such friendships. McKie’s research reported that many men in bromosexual friendships report a deep level of intimacy and support within the friendship.

For gay men, friendship quality with a straight male friend was particularly high when the friendship pre-dated the gay man coming out. These men felt enough trust and closeness in their existing friendship to disclose their sexual identity. When these friendships continue beyond that disclosure, they grow into deeper and more supportive relationships.

Having a gay friend can open straight men up to thinking differently about LGBTQ people in general.

Source: Ece AK/ Pexels.

Once again, however, the benefits are not just one way. Straight men also reported having more emotionally vulnerable conversations with their gay friends because they felt safer to do so, relative to attempting to discuss similar topics with other straight men.

Some of the straight men in the study also reported that having a close friend come out to them helped change their attitudes towards the LGBTQ community writ large, even to the point of becoming advocates for equality themselves.

You Won’t Find These Special Friendships Everywhere.

Despite the positive outcomes of bromosexual friendships, their prevalence still varies greatly across different geographic locations. McKie’s research found that straight men living in the more central parts of Canada and the United States were less likely to report a willingness or interest in having a gay man as a friend. This attitude may be related to the greater emphasis on hypermasculinity in these regions as well as differences in political beliefs.

But times are changing quickly, and McKie’s research underscores the special bond that can develop between gay and straight friends to the benefit of both. If you don’t yet have a cross-orientation friendship, what are you waiting for?