Is Sincerity the Greatest Romantic Virtue?

"It's never what you say, but how you make it sound sincere.” —Marya Mannes

“I was raised to be charming, not sincere.” —Stephen Sondheim

Sincerity is described as the greatest romantic virtue. However, romantic relationships also involve insincere behavior, such as prosocial lies, flattery and fantasies. The concept of “sincerely caring” is useful when tackling this paradox.

Sincerity in Established Relationships: Combining Sincerity and Deception

“Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.” —Charles McCabe

"My ex had a really bad habit of telling me all the men she'd slept with, like their penis sizes, and other intimate details and it would really piss me off." —A man

"I am not sincere in my passionate sexual encounters; this drives my partners crazy." —A divorced woman

Sincerity, an expression of what you really think or feel, is vital in romantic relationships. In a study of desirable traits of potential romantic partners, sincerity was the most popular characteristic sought out by women; although men also seek sincerity in women, it is far less important to them (Buss, 2003). Indeed, someone who wants to be emotionally close to you will try to be sincere—or at least fake sincerity. When sincere intimate information is shared with us, we feel flattered and trusting. Sincerity is opposite to secrecy, which is linked to lower wellbeing and relationship quality (Slepian, 2024).

Romantic relationships involve two major types of deceptive behavior: (a) prosocial lies intending to enhance our partner’s well-being, and (b) sexual fantasies and flattery, intended to promote the agent’s own purposes. Contrary to the common assumption that prosocial lies harm trust, such lying decreases integrity-based trust but increases benevolence-based trust which stems from benevolent intentions. Intentions often matter far more than veracity (Levine & Schweitzer, 2015). Gurit Birnbaum and colleagues found that sexual fantasies, which are quite different from reality, benefit romantic relationships by enhancing partner and relationship appeal by providing imaginary novelty and variety. Still, some fantasies may make relationship deficiencies more salient, leading to further relationship dissatisfaction (Birnbaum et al., 2019).

Sincerity When Choosing a Partner: The Risk of Providing Too Much Information Too Soon

“Men love the seemingly unattainable girl. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them.” —Leandra De Andrade

The process of finding a long-term partner includes both sincere and insincere behavior. Sincere behavior stems from the high value people give to sincerity in relationships. Insincere behavior occurs as a result of the little information partners have about each other when first meeting, when too much openness may unintentionally hurt them. Being completely sincere about your sexual history may hurt the partner who is not yet fully aware of all your virtues and may overstate the apparent flaws of the sincere agent. There are, however, cases when speaking of a rich sexual history is perceived as beneficial—there are men who are excited by hearing about their partner’s past sexual experiences, provided that the current sexual encounters are limited to them (here).

Do I really want him?

Source: Asif Ekbal / Pexels

The popular and efficient dating tactic of playing hard-to-get, in which people, usually women rather than men, pretend that they are less interested in their partner than they really are. This involves insincerity, as it does not reveal the partner’s genuine attitude toward the other. This tactic is problematic since it includes deception, manipulation and lack of reciprocity (here). The opposite insincere behavior, i.e., playing easy to get, has worse consequences, since people may be perceived as more desperate and less valuable (Birnbaum, et al., 2020). Moderate sincerity and openness are typically valuable. Detailed personal information is more powerful and less threatening when gradually revealed as the relationship develops.

Sincerity in Digital Encounters: Greater Self-Disclosure Versus Easier Deception

“Sometimes there are things you like to fantasize about that you can share online and don't feel comfortable sharing with your significant other.” —A married woman having cybersex

Sincerity and insincerity are common in digital encounters where deception is easier. Although the digital environment provides various opportunities for deception, many people present themselves sincerely online, especially when encounters further develop. Such sincerity creates different behavior from perceived stereotypes of dating within genders. Thus, women may be more sexually expressive than they are in offline relationships and men may be more emotionally sensitive.

High degrees of both concealment and self-disclosure are common in digital encounters, where we have partial knowledge about various properties of the partner, while profoundly knowing other aspects (Ben-Ze’ev, 2004; 2019). In light of the reduced vulnerability of the digital environment, people are often more sincere in this environment; hence, many digital encounters lead to long-term relationships.

The digital environment also includes the conflict between sincerity and imagination. While digital encounters involve more sincere communication, which better expresses people’s genuine attitudes, imagination and fantasies, the irrelevance of reality is quite central in digital encounters. Digital encounters involve more genuine expressions of personal attitudes, but less accurate descriptions of reality. When someone tells her digital friend that she would like to have sex with him, she describes her sincere desire, but when she says that she takes off his clothes and kisses his naked body, she describes an illusory reality. Sincerity about sexual desires is not at odds with fantasies about fulfilling these desires. Dreams, rather than deception, characterize digital romantic encounters.

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Sincerity in Polyamory: Privacy at Risk

“I am a lot more loving, forgiving and nonjudgmental than I used to be. And so, I think it’s because I don’t feel smothered and trapped anymore.” —A polyamorous woman (cited in Thouin, 2024).

The issues of sincerity and privacy are particularly complex in polyamory, which requires greater sharing and openness and leaves little personal space for privacy. However, upholding sincerity in non-monogamy does not imply sharing every last detail of one’s interactions with other partners. Every polyamorous network must agree on how much information is expected to be shared. Different partners require different levels of privacy/disclosure, and it can create conflict between one person's desire for significant self-expression, and another person's need to hear less, or to be more private (Thouin, 2024). Accordingly, we don’t have to describe all the details of our sexual encounters with other partners. Some may also withhold the identity of a new lover, revealing that this person is not someone the other partner knows. Thus, a married polyamorous woman said, “These experiences are brief and insignificant to me; hence, there is no reason to disturb my husband over them” (Ben-Ze’ev, 2022, and here).

Sincere Caring: Integrity-Based Trust and Benevolence-Based Trust

“Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.” —Erich Fromm

“I love my house too much to leave my husband.” —A married woman

Sincere caring, based on benevolent intentions, is of greater value than verbal sincerity since it genuinely expresses what is best, in one’s opinion, for the beloved, even if this behavior involves prosocial lies. Sometimes, sincere caring embraces epistemic truth, while disagreeing with, and not being nice to, the person you care for. However, sincere caring can also lead to negative consequences. Thus, research suggests that women who believe they sincerely care about the targets of female gossip can effectively tarnish another’s reputation (Reynolds et al., 2025). Sincerity is sometimes used to justify misdeeds; hence, intentions must be considered.

Sincere caring is more likely to be associated with nurturing and sacrifice and thus is among the most valuable romantic virtues. Sincere caring also means letting the other and oneself romantically behave the way they want and not necessarily the way society dictates.