Is Love at First Sight Actually Love?

“I believe love at first sight is possible. Centuries of literature and art and beauty has been dedicated to that idea, so who am I to argue, even if I've never experienced it?” —Maggie Grace

Love at first sight (LAFS) is perplexing. Literature and art, as well as testimonies from many, have detailed the experience, but it does not make scientific or logical sense.

Is Love at First Sight Just Lust at First Sight?

“I don't think there's anything like love at first sight. What happens is actually lust at first sight.” —Abhay Deol

Lust, or intense sexual attraction, is a significant aspect of LAFS. However, it is unclear whether we see other features of LAFS that are common in romantic love, but absent in lust. The first meeting between potential lovers is usually exciting, just as novelty is exciting. Emotions are typically generated when we confront a significant change in our circumstances. This is expressed in the “Coolidge Effect” where males, and to a lesser extent, females in mammalian species, exhibit renewed sexual interest when introduced to new sexual partners. Sexual desire typically decreases over time, but romantic love is more than sexual desire.

Romantic love comprises two basic evaluations: attractiveness and praiseworthiness. Attractiveness is a kind of magnet that draws one person to another by generating an immediate emotional action that triggers a desire to establish a connection. Attractiveness is more comprehensive than mere intense sexual desire since it may also include the wish to spend continuous time together. Praiseworthiness involves complex evaluations of the partner’s traits and achievements that go beyond the wish of being together. Romantic love is more than just sexual attraction; it involves a holistic, positive evaluation of the person, including the wish to be together continuously. Falling in love and staying in love require both attractiveness and praiseworthiness (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000; 2019).

When we fall in love at first sight, we refer also to information beyond what we see; we imagine additional, unseen praiseworthy traits, such as kindness, wisdom, and honesty. Lust, which focuses on the body, also involves unseen attributed information, but it is limited to potential sexual activities. The perceptual affordances in LAFS include an entire set of enduring sexual and romantic activities, whereas when experiencing lust, affordances are limited to sexual performance (Ben-Ze’ev, 2024). In this regard, the role of the eyes is crucial. Thus, Augustine called the eyes "the windows to the soul," and lovers often say: “I can see the love in your eyes” (see here).

In LAFS, lovers wish to be together “forever and a day” but lust, which consists of more partial evaluations, lacks that desire. As one divorcee said, “My married lover was cut off emotionally the moment he ejaculated. The speed by which he left me emotionally and physically was incredible. He actually left the bed to drink something and did not return to it.”

A major flaw of LAFS concerns the reliability of the information it is based upon, much less than what we gain at the outset of other romantic relationships. Is this a huge flaw? Not really, since in romantic relationships, it is more significant to test whether the two people are attracted to, and suitable for each other. When experiencing LAFS, you may not know much about the person’s history, but you do have intuitive knowledge regarding the amazing suitability (“chemistry”) with this person (at least in the short term). In the words of Sam Cooke, “Don’t know much about history, don't know much biology... But I do know that I love, and I know that if you love me, too, what a wonderful world this would be.”

Is Love at First Sight a Profound Romantic Love?

“The first time I laid eyes on my husband, my inner voice told me that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.” —A woman

Is LAFS a profound romantic love? The main difficulty here is the lack of time for developing romantic profundity. This difficulty does not concern the agent’s attitudes, since those are similar and even more intense in LAFS. Whereas time decreases sexual desire, it nurtures romantic profundity. LAFS cannot be profound since there is no time for creating such profundity. However, LAFS cannot be described as shallow; it is just that the issue of profundity has not yet developed.

The instant emergence of LAFS does not abolish other temporal romantic aspects, such as the wish to be continuously together all the time, even when sex is over. Studies suggest that romantic partners view the time before and after intercourse as important for bonding and intimacy. Indeed, frequent physical affection, such as kissing, cuddling and hugging, have been found to increase the duration and quality of the relationship. These activities, central in LAFS, confirm that the romantic bond is deeper than a superficial, brief physical act. These activities are crucial in creating sexual afterglow, which plays a more important role in sexual and relationship satisfaction than the duration of intercourse (Muise, et al., 2014). Thus, the important wish to be continuously together is more dominant in LAFS than at the beginning of most other romantic relationships.

Can Brief Sexual Encounters Lead to Enduring Profound Relationships?

Although LAFS takes place in a certain moment, it can establish significant foundations for enduring, profound love. LAFS puts the initial step of the relationship on a high pedestal, and studies indicate that the quality of the initial stage has a significant impact on the consequent relationship, that is expressed in greater quality and stability over time. A related phenomenon, termed “the honeymoon ceiling effect,” refers to findings that marital quality rarely increases beyond its initial point of marriage, or prior to it (Proulx et al., 2017). Indeed, a recent poll of 2,000 Brits by Specsavers found that more than half (59%) of relationships that began with love at first sight, are still going strong, and nearly one in five (19%) of those relationships have lasted over 40 years.

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Moreover, even superficial and brief encounters, such as one-night stands and meetings from Tinder, can be a good starting point for a profound relationship (Ben-Ze’ev, 2023; here). Thus, it was found that one-night stands, which are often regarded as the briefest, most superficial and inconsequential sexual experiences, are nevertheless a starting point of enduring serious relationships for about 27% of those who experienced them (Fisher, 2022). Furthermore, The Knot 2021 Jewlery and Engagement Study shows that although Tinder has a reputation for generating mainly superficial casual sexual relationships, it is responsible for pairing about a quarter of newlyweds who meet online, making it the best dating app for marriage. Another surprising finding is that individuals are more likely to leave immediately after sex in the longer term and more serious booty-call relationships, than after one-night stands (Jonason et al., 2011). These surprising results relate to the powerful impact of an incredible starting point. Time is important for increasing romantic profundity, provided that the starting point and the following shared activities are valuable as well.

To sum up, the connection between LAFS and the quality and length of a subsequent relationship is influenced by two opposing factors: (1) the initial positive impression has a positive impact upon the quality of the relationship, and (2) the perceived traits of the partner are based upon projection, rather than actual information, and therefore may be incorrect. Accordingly, in some cases, LAFS is a promising beginning to profound love, but in other circumstances, it does not endure for long (Sunnafrank & Ramirez, 2004; Barelds & Barelds-Dijkstra, 2007). The survival value increases when we refer to “love at first meeting (or acquaintance),” rather than love at first sight. LAFS involves aspirations for enduring profound love, thereby providing an excellent starting point for indeed becoming so.

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