How Much Time Do You Want to Spend With Your Partner?

“My marriage is pretty great. But I think about other guys all the time.” —A married woman

One of the most significant differences between enduring romantic relationships and casual sexual encounters is the issue of continuity. Though continuity is vital in romantic relationships, the lack of it is crucial in sexual encounters. Nevertheless, there are cases that contradict this nature, where romantic discontinuity and sexual continuity are most significant. How can we explain this apparent paradox?

The importance of continuity in romantic relationships

“If I could save time in a bottle,
The first thing that I'd like to do,
Is to save every day 'til eternity passes away,
Just to spend them with you.” —Jim Croce

In one of the greatest love songs, “Time in a bottle,” Jim Croce claims he does not merely want to be many years with his wife, Ingrid, but to spend each day of them together. (Unfortunately, Croce did not fulfill his wish, as he died in an airplane accident seven years after the couple was married.)

In romantic relationships, continuity refers to the amount of awake time that couples spend together. Continuity is valuable, though not sufficient for developing serious romantic relationships. Thus, being together for a longer time does not necessarily mean loving more deeply. Similarly, spending time together increases the couple’s romantic profundity, but spending too much time together, without sufficient personal space, can damage the relationship. In any case, continuously not paying attention to one’s partner while being together is damaging. Thus, a study of phubbing, (ignoring a conversation going on around oneself to focus on one's mobile phone), indicates the value of continuity, revealing that phubbing negatively impacts relationships and life satisfaction (Yam, 2022).

The importance of romantic discontinuity: The case of living apart together (LAT)

“It’s love and commitment that make a relationship, not a shared space.” —Leah Rockwell

“It feels like we’re dating again.” —Ms. Ordway, who has a LAT arrangement with her husband.

“I miss missing him.” —A woman after her husband ended his military service overseas.

Research on marriage reveals that relationship duration is a robust predictor of declining relationship satisfaction, commitment, and sexual activity (Freeman, et. al., 2023). One way to deal with this problem is to avoid marriage (or other committed relationships). Less radical ways suggest increasing the personal space of each partner—open marriages and polyamory are such an example. A different method is reducing the amount of time romantic partners spend together.

The number of romantic couples living at considerable geographical distances from each other is increasing. Some surveys suggest that people living apart together account for around 10% of the adult population in much of the Western World. British data suggest that up to a quarter of supposedly “single” adults, who do not cohabit with a partner (either married or unmarried), in fact have a partner living elsewhere (Duncan et al., 2014). The numbers can be assumed to be greater today.

A growing body of research indicates that LAT arrangements often have equal or greater value than close-proximity relationships when maintaining romantic connections. Couples in these relationships enjoy greater personal space, which enhances personal flourishing, as well as the flourishing of their togetherness. Studies show that communication in long-distance dating is more intimate, positive and open, as well as less argumentative than in geographically close relationships. LAT involves a high degree of commitment, care and intimacy, alongside an appreciation of the increased freedom and autonomy that living apart has to offer. Indeed, the percentage of extramarital affairs in these relationships is similar, or even lower than that in standard marriages, and divorce rates appear to be similar. (Bergen 2006; Carter, et al., 2016; Jiang & Hancock 2013; Kelmer et al. 2013; Stafford 2005). Moreover, it was found that unmarried couples living apart showed the highest levels of sexual satisfaction compared to regular marriages or other relationships (Kislev 2020).

The importance of discontinuity in sexuality

“I think every woman should have a one-night stand. If it’s done right, it can be liberating.” —Rachel Perry

Emotions are generated when we perceive positive or negative significant changes in our personal situations, or ones related to us. A change cannot persist for an extended period; after some time has passed, we consider the change to be normal and it no longer stimulates us. Like burglar alarms sounding when an intruder appears, emotions signal that an occurrence needs attention or a response. When no attention is required, the signaling system can be switched off (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000; 2019).

The discontinuity feature is expressed in the “Coolidge Effect” which was coined for the phenomenon in which males (and, to a lesser extent females) in mammalian species exhibit renewed sexual interest when introduced to new sexual partners (Bermant, 1976). Research indicates that sexual desire tends to be strong during the early stages of a romantic relationship before subsiding gradually, with many couples failing to maintain sexual desire in their long-term relationships—though desire is not inevitably doomed to die with the passing of time, and not everyone will eventually lose sexual interest in each other (Birnbaum, 2018).

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The importance of continuity in sexuality: The case of sexual afterglow

“While having an affair I was sexually aroused and began to notice other men noticing me. I paid more attention to my appearance, wore more attractive clothing, and began enjoying this attention. Even my husband was more attracted to me. When it rains, it pours.” —A married woman

In casual sex, duration can be a matter of minutes or hours, and not of months or years. Nevertheless, what is most significant in the quality of sexual encounters is the continuity of the whole experience, from foreplay through to the sexual act itself, to its afterglow. Sexual afterglow, the good feeling that lingers after pleasurable sexual experiences, is particularly significant. Research suggests that afterglow, rather than orgasm, determines how people feel about their sexual partner. Spouses who have experienced stronger afterglow report higher levels of marital satisfaction, both in the moment and over time, compared to other spouses (Meltzer et al., 2017). Romantic partners view the time after intercourse as important for bonding and intimacy. Frequent physical affection, such as kissing, cuddling and hugging, were found to significantly increase the duration and the quality of the relationship. Thus, one study of newlywed couples showed that sexual afterglow remains for approximately 48 hours after sex, and those with stronger afterglow had higher overall marital satisfaction (Danovich, 2017; Floyd et al., 2009; Muise, et al., 2014;).

Concluding remarks

“Continuity does not rule out fresh approaches to fresh situations.” —Dean Rusk

The value of continuity in romantic relationships and discontinuity in sexual encounters is clear. However, I have indicated that highly valuable experiences in both relationships reveal the opposite, indicating the very high value of discontinuity in romantic relationships and continuity in sexual encounters. These experiences suggest the need for intimate experiences of moderate continuity (and discontinuity). The exact point of a couple in the continuity-discontinuity continuum depends on personal and circumstantial factors, but typically it should not be at the extreme of either pole.