Would You Rather Be Someone’s First Lover, or Their Last Love?

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? –Bob Marley

The temporal order of being someone's first, second, or last lover is often of some romantic value. Many people want to be their beloved’s very first lover, others prefer to be the second, but most lovers want to be the last.

Being the First and Only Lover

I've never regretted not ordering the fish when my steak arrives cooked and seasoned to my liking. –A woman who married her first lover

Like other “firsts” in our life, our first love is a significant emotional milestone that is typically remembered for the rest of our lives. Historically, the normative attitude of many lovers has been that losing one’s virginity — generally speaking, a woman’s virginity — before marriage carries a negative connotation. In this regard, virginity is seen to maintain the pure, normative state of a woman, who gives her virginity only to the one who loves her enough to marry her.

Religious aspects aside, from a psychological viewpoint, it would be natural to assume that those who marry their first love are likely to regret missing out on better, or at least different, romantic options. Research on the topic indicates that when a negotiator’s first offer is immediately accepted, he is more likely to think that he could have done better, and therefore less likely to be satisfied with the agreement than those negotiators whose initial offers are not accepted immediately (Galinsky et al., 2002).

In the same way, lovers may experience a powerful sense of regretting the romantic road not taken. Contrary to this expectation, however, a YouGov study indicates that people who marry their first love are more likely to still be in love, to have never thought about breaking up, and to be certain that they will be with their partner forever. A key reason for these results is the powerful impact of first love.

A major advantage of marrying your first love is the great romantic profundity stemming from a shared history of positive interactions over a significant period. Indeed, Christine Proulx and colleagues (2017) found that marriages with an initial high and stable level of marital quality are likely to maintain this high quality over the long term. They further noted that this trajectory group is quite large.

One main flaw in marrying our first love seems to be the issue of regret. However, we should distinguish between regret and curiosity. Regret involves sadness concerning our past behavior, whereas curiosity expresses a positive desire to know something. Curiosity can be fulfilled in various ways that do not negatively impact a relationship. Indeed, it is not something that can be fulfilled once and for all; rather, it is an ongoing attitude that is often conducive to our well-being.

If, for instance, we seek to fulfill our curiosity by having a romantic affair, this curiosity is unlikely to cease after having one such affair; one would probably seek more. There are findings suggesting that if a woman has a history of multiple sexual partners, the likelihood of her having a secondary sexual partner during a current relationship greatly increases (Forste & Tanfer, 1996). As François de La Rochefoucauld once quipped, “You can find women who have never had an affair, but it is hard to find a woman who has had just one.”

A Secondhand Love

I have cooked many dishes in my life, and the first time wasn't always pretty. It was only when my second love came along that I started to realize how much better love is when you truly know yourself. –Ashley Massis

You are the first man I slept with while having a headache. –A divorcee

In its literal, temporal usage, a “secondhand” love is a relationship with someone who has had a past romantic relationship. Given that people begin their romantic relationships quite early in their lives today, it is rare to find your one and only on your first romantic journey. In many cases, however, the idea of being a secondhand lover implies a sense of contamination; one may assume that their new commodity is defective in some way.

Relationships Essential Reads

What Does Money Mean to Your Relationship?

4 Ways to Keep Your Partner From Walking Away

Being a secondhand lover does not necessarily carry this humiliating connotation. Being second in the temporal aspect may be less exciting because of its lack of complete novelty, but it often includes greater romantic depth.

The negative view of second-best and secondhand love is associated with the all-or-nothing attitude of “I will be the very best and the very first, or there is no value whatsoever in this relationship.” This attitude, which dismisses the value of human development, implies that previous relationships contaminate the purity of one’s heart. But relationships can work in just the opposite way: Such bonds can educate and develop our hearts, enabling us to discover the unique value of our current relationship.

The Value of Being the Last

You can dance every dance with the guy who gives you the eye. But don’t forget who’s taking you home .... So darling, save the last dance for me. –The Drifters

I do not want to marry someone for whom our relationship is his first, as he may feel that he has missed out on something and might therefore have extramarital affairs. –A single woman

Your first love may indeed be hard to forget, but this doesn't mean that it is the most profound love you will experience. A last love can achieve greater profundity, as a lover who has developed through past relationships knows himself or herself better and knows what partner is most suitable. It is easy for a first love to be exciting, but such excitement might stem from its novelty and not its profundity. Although in a last love, you and your partner may have felt that that you have “been there, done that" — seemingly, a measure of boredom or complacency — the love can actually be most profound, as well as exciting. The last lover can provide calmness and security that one's first lover often could not.

Concluding Remarks

In our dynamic and restless society, when many loving relationships are brief, the order in which relationships take place is of lesser significance. There is nothing wrong with a second-best, secondhand, or last love. Each of these loving relationships can be of great value. Thus, while a first love is unforgettable, a last love typically continues longer. The temporal order is hardly valuable for assessing the value of a relationship.

This post is based on my book, The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change over Time