Finding Resilience in the Face of Death

Most would agree that death is a major source of adversity, both for the person experiencing it as well as the family, friends, and colleagues who are affected by it. I have lost a number of friends and colleagues over the past few years, and most recently David, a childhood friend, who I have had a close connection with for most of my life. Luckily, another close friend of ours, Bill, and I were able to spend some time with Dave before his death. This required my traveling back to my hometown in East Tennessee. I had been fully vaccinated for a while, yet traveling was and still is stressful in these times.

Going back to my hometown was an experience that I will write more about in a later post. For now, I will focus on death and dying over the next few posts and how it relates to the issue of resilience. I need to write about it for my own mental health. I hope what I have to say will be helpful to others.

Dave's death was not sudden. He had been struggling with bone cancer for some time. Over the years, he had demonstrated his resilience and had recovered from other bouts of the disease. But this time, he knew that he would not win the struggle. He was accepting of that and encouraged others to do the same.

Dave was connected to a lot of other people, and he continued that connection until the very end. He loved to talk and tell stories and this is the way he often communicated. I had collected some of them and integrated them into a manuscript I was finishing, a project I had been working on for some time. As the end approached, I worked on completing the manuscript enough that I was able to go over it with him and Bill before his death. We had a good time laughing about and reminiscing about the things that David had done and the stories he told, not all of which were not completely true. The humor and laughter were cathartic for all three of us.

Bill and I attempted to provide support for both Dave and his family and I'm sure through doing that, our resilience was increased. We managed to put aside some of our differences, specifically our politics.

Dave was not a great planner and he left some important issues, such as a will, to the last minute. But true to his form, he managed to get the will and a number of other important things taken care of a few days before his death. Bill and I joked with him, encouraging him to take care of these things earlier the next time.

Dave and his family turned to their Christian faith for support and for understanding the meaning of his death. Over the last few years, Dave's siblings had some disputes with each other, yet Dave's death seemed to bring the family back together. His sister and brothers were able to put away their differences and support each other during this difficult time. Dave's wife was there by his side until the end.

The issue of death often brings up very strong feelings for everyone and causes some people to avoid talking about it and denying it. Yet, death is inevitable for all of us and for all of those we care for. Dave encouraged those around him to accept that he was going to die and not to engage in denial or wishful thinking. Dave died peacefully in his sleep on the morning of Palm Sunday.

Since his death, Bill and I have checked in by phone with his wife and will continue to lend whatever support we can. Bill and I seem to have gotten closer through this process and agreed that we will talk at least once a month. I will be seeing Dave's family and his friends again when the memorial service is held at the end of the summer.

I don't expect the next few months to be easy ones. I catch myself thinking about things that I will tell Dave when I talk with him and then realizing I will not be talking with him, at least not in this life. In the next post, I will talk more about death and how we can use the skills and attitudes of resilience to find purpose and meaning, and strengthen our own resilience.