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Persuasion
How to Bring Up Hard Topics in an Easy Way
To turn conflict into agreement, try reframing what you're asking for.
Posted February 27, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Framing your criticisms and requests in negative ways is likely to cause arguments.
- Defensive replies are often triggered by remarks framed toward the negative.
- Instead, try asking for what you want and avoiding negative words like "don't" or "didn't."
“I don’t like that outfit.”
“Turn down that terrible music.”
“You did not do this assignment well.”
“I really hate it when you do that.”
“This is the wrong road to take.”
If you’re like me, you won’t enjoy hearing any of the above remarks—from your partner, boss, or children. No one ever really wants to hear direct criticism, but difficult truths still need to be communicated. Mistakes happen; people close to you may take wrong turns, make unexpected clothing choices, and play music you don’t enjoy.
Life is full of unavoidable little conflicts that get on our nerves and chip away at our good moods. Usually, though, there is a way to speak up and address them without making things worse.
The most important thing to understand about criticism is that the offense it provokes generally doesn’t arise from the substance of what you’re saying but from how you’ve said it. Think about it: Aren’t most people reasonably able to understand that they’ve made a mistake or chosen an outfit that not everyone will appreciate? Remember what it felt like when you were a student, and your teacher explained that you’d made a mistake in your work but could easily be fixed—would that have been so difficult to hear?
The real issue, then, isn’t the content but the form. And the best way to think about the form of what you’re saying has to do with something quite black and white—or, to be specific, positive and negative. Each of the little criticisms I listed above (which I made up but drew from real-life examples patients have told me over the years.) is formulated in a particular way: toward the negative.
The first example, “I don’t like that outfit,” focuses on something the speaker doesn’t like. The second, “Turn down that terrible music,” goes out of its way to insult the music and demands that its volume be reduced. The third points out that an assignment has been done badly; the fourth uses a very strong word, “hate,” to come down on another person’s behavior. And the last, “This is the wrong road,” simply points out that the driver’s choice is wrong and bad.
If you’ve already noticed the similarities among these examples and the way they are all framed—toward things that are “wrong” or “hated” or “terrible” or “disliked”—perhaps you’ve also suspected what is wrong with this. Simply put, framing one’s remarks toward the negative is almost guaranteed to elicit a defensive response.
If you tell someone else you don’t like something, they’ll most likely shut you down by saying, “Well, I do,” and leaving it at that. If you say you don’t like what they’re wearing, their first impulse will probably be to contradict you and to say why they chose it. Essentially, you’ve just attacked them, and in doing so, you’ve provoked their psychological defenses. (You may also cause hurt feelings, but I’m choosing to center on defensiveness for our purposes.)
To say it another way: When you premise your remarks on criticism, the person you’re speaking to will feel a small burst of defiance inside, and the response you’re most likely to hear will be an expression of that defiance—and a negation of whatever you’ve said. You might hear, “This song is awesome,” or “I don’t care, I always go this way,” or even just “Deal with it.” And if your original remark hasn’t gone over well with them, their response probably won’t strike you in any kind of friendly way, either, and before you know it, you’ll be in a fight.
Now, take a step back, as you might have to do when in the middle of a tough conversation with a friend or partner. Reconsider the gist of what you’re trying to say. What are you really asking for—a change of some kind? Is there a way to reframe your statement to ask for that change without losing the essential meaning?
If you don’t like the music your friend is playing, your goal isn’t to get them to admit that they have terrible taste, but really only to change whatever’s playing to something else. If you don’t like the road your partner has chosen, you probably only want to get to your destination quickly rather than override their choices entirely.
So, is there a way to express these needs without turning them into criticism?
There is if you reframe your remarks away from the negative and toward the positive. You’re really saying the same thing—expressing your preferences in a way that differs but without triggering that defensiveness I mentioned earlier. To wit, “I like the other shirt a little better” is much less likely to cause a fight than “I don’t like that outfit.” You’re saying what you like rather than complaining about what you don’t.
Try the other examples, too:
- “Turn down that terrible music” vs. “Can we put on something else for a while?”
- “You did this assignment badly.” vs. “I think you might need to revisit this part.”
- “I really hate it when you do that.” vs. “I really like it when you do this instead.”
- “This is the wrong road to take.” vs. “I’ve always thought the other way was faster.”
In each case, you make the same points without making it personal. It’s a small thing, of course, but in many cases, it’s not as easy as it seems because criticisms can slip out before we notice what we’re saying. But taking a few moments to anticipate what we’re about to say can often save a lot of conflict, argument, or hurt feelings.
In this way, framing your comments toward the positive and doing your best not to provoke defensive reactions can make it much easier to get difficult points across.
